Make Me Wanna Gag!

In honor of the upcoming Valentine's Day & because I am an incurable romantic, I've been trolling the 'net for advice. Plus, Xing Fu & I have been accused of being that couple that makes you want to gag...yeah, you know the type. In fact, when I got home from work this afternoon there was a box waiting for me of 12 very large & beautiful chocolate-dipped strawberries.  Yum!   I am unapologetic for my behavior--I really hope that we are still that way in 30 years too...just sayin'.  So here is advice that I found that highlights those nonverbals. This is from the following web site: http://www.caring.com/articles/5-surprising-actions-that-show-love?utm_medium=partner&utm_source=msn

I know I've written about this one in the past:  touching is everything.  "... touch telegraphs affection faster than words do. Thank your brain and your skin's abundant nerve endings for why touch feels so nice. The emotional brain "gets" touch communication more immediately than it understands words, which have to be processed first through the speech centers, says David Givens, director of the Center for Nonverbal Studies in Spokane, Washington, and author of Love Signals.

"If seeing is believing, touching is knowing," he says."  But this touching does fade as the relationship continues--so kissing in the morning & other times, holding hands when watching TV, or in the car are all ways to reconnect quickly. 

The article also talks about being in sync with one another--doing things together--taking a walk, or in our case while going geocaching, etc., we tend to fall into stride with each other.  According to the article it is "mirroring" behavior--a common courtship ritual--it says further that we tend to unconsciously imitate one another when we feel close.  "Couples do this unconsciously all the time: Watch a pair who are flirting. Social scientists call this "synchrony" -- simultaneous action – when members of a social pair match their behaviors. "It's a strong way of being alike," Givens says."

There are a few others in the article--all very good suggestions but I close with this one: Small, everyday gestures of connectedness.

"Those small gestures don't have to be store-bought tokens; they can take the form of a daily catch-up with a traveling lover, the everyday loving gestures you show a spouse -- making the bed first, bringing him coffee, scraping ice from her car in the morning."

Even though I received a very nice gift this afternoon & I truly appreciate it (although I will need a lot of help consuming them), it is the small, caring gestures that I think about the most.  Like bagels in the morning.   

Communication Tips

Recently I've been reading more relationship stuff--not because I think things are stale but because I always think that we can improve.  (Well, mebbe one time Xing Fu mentioned that he thought something was kinda like a relationship rut--TV on, or something like that)  Anyway, that kind of off-hand comment usually sends my antennae a-quiver & I'm off to the races looking for stuff to prove & fix that 1) there ain't no rut & 2) if there is, then let's do this....

From Yahoo Shine:
http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/12-tips-happier-relationship-041700705.html 

Say "please" & "thank you"--The logic here is that you won't take each other for granted--we actually talk about that a lot.  Kiss every morning & say "good morning" while you're at it.  Grab each other's butts everyday (or every other).  Cuddle--This one's huge, imho.  Switch doing dishes--our rule is if one person cooks, the other cleans up--takes the conflict out of it.  Spend at least one night a week with other people (family, friends, etc.) not holed up by yourselves.  Practice honesty--even when it makes you or your SO uncomfortable--so incredibly important--if you cannot be open & talk honestly to one another, & avoid difficult topics that throw those speed bumps into the relationship, then I begin to question how long it can continue without dealing with them.  And while you're at it--listen to each other.  These pieces of advice seem kinda obvious but we often quickly lose sight of the obvious stuff--it was good to come across this little article to remind me.

The second one came as a spin off of the first article--from Your Tango. 
http://www.yourtango.com/201066927/8-relationship-tricks-happy-couples-use 
A lot are the same but I really liked this little tidbit in particular.  When you can't decide where to eat, what movie to go to (except us--we're working on 2+ years of NO dinner & a movie dates), & instead of being wishy-washy & non-committal, do this:

  "If you and your partner are indecisive about where to eat or what movie to watch, play the "5-3-1" game. One person names five choices, the other vetoes two of them, and then the first person eliminates the remaining two. Ta-da, no more "Where you do want to eat?" "I don't care, what do you want to do?"

Good stuff!  I also liked  not sweating the small stuff--in other words, if Xing Fu says that Queen's News of the World album was released in 1976 & I know it is 1977, I may want to choose to let that one slide, unless it was a challenge....

Another piece of advice that dovetails with that is not saying something like "I told you so," when the other person admits fault--instead, let it go--accept it & MOVE ON! (I sometimes need to remind myself of this--I guess because I am often suspicious that an admittance of fault is somehow disingenuous.) Along with that is to remind yourself to think before you speak--particularly when having a disagreement.  Pause, gather your thoughts, & let some of the irrational thoughts go.  Then say what you need to say.  Difficult to do when there is a lot of emotion, but the outcome is often waaaay better.  

And lastly, (this appeals to the writer in me):

"Play the "He's Not an A**-hole" game. Whenever you feel angry at him, imagine that you're a novelist (or a movie writer) assigned to write a story in which your man is the protagonist. That way, you'll have to think of the situation from his point-of-view and make him sympathetic to readers and viewers."

Good, solid relationships take hard work--particularly when communicating with one another.  I was remarking to my friend the Zen Bicyclist that I work harder in this relationship than any I have previously--mebbe it's an awareness that I never had before or maybe it's because I think Xing Fu is really worth it.  And I'm not complaining about the work--I love the outcome & it reminds me that I know that I have it right.
 

Mergers

Been a while since I wrote--Perhaps a bit of writer's block or just busy living & enjoying what life's bringing my way.  

Last night I went out to dinner with MAC--she's been seeing someone as well--about 6 months in. We meet for dinner a lot & of course we talk about what's going on.  And it was kinda cool last night when she said to me that even after a year it seems that Xing Fu & I are still keeping it fresh.  She remarked that we haven't settled into a pattern, that I always seem so happy about the two of us & I am to be sure.  It was great to hear these things--a mirror up.  I talked to her about the "I love you because..." http://boyfriendplease-sailorgrl.blogspot.com/2011/01/i-love-you-because.html & how that has been such an important addition to our "couple's repertoire".  Her response was that we're the couple that makes everyone gag--but that it was so nice to hear.  And even though we make y'all gag, it does have an impact on our ability to navigate the tougher waters...

Another important component of of keeping everything moving forward has been working on bringing our families closer.  It is a slow process to be sure but, an important one.  Up until relatively recently (and I just haven't felt comfortable about discussing it on this forum until now), we've had very separate halves--getting our kids used to the two of us together is important.  Been thinking about that a lot & it seems that everyone involved has been doing pretty well with it--getting to know one another, accepting the other person (and boy, do I hear about nightmares), & continuing the slow & steady way that we're approaching this extremely important part of our lives.  Maybe I'm over-reaching here but in my mind the kids wouldn't be so accepting if there were unstated issues or if there were some currents--I think they're sensing our happiness with one another--something that perhaps they haven't seen in their parents before.

I know, I know...GAG!!! 


"Get a room!"

"Can I have a fry?" 
 

Checking The Horizon

Yup, I'm a very impatient person.  I am no good at waiting so last week was terrifically difficult.  Of course thanks to everyone who lent a hand in helping keep my sanity--or not.  But this post isn't about the trials of last week as I think I've written just about enough about that.  Instead I am writing about another book I just finished.  Seems to me that I get handed these books on relationships & dating & I feel the need to comment on them as they apply to my own life these days.  

Anyway, this book is on the bestseller list at B & N--The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Actually my BFF(A) introduced it to me last week & I read it during my exile.  It was an easy read & it spoke to me quite a bit--I think it's directed more toward married folk but it still holds true for any long-term relationship.  He states that each person has a way that they would like their significant other to make them feel loved.  They fit into about 5 categories: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, & Physical Touch. So someone may need to hear that they're doing a good job as a parent or in their profession, etc. for words of affirmation.  Or a person needs significant time spent with the other person engaging in conversations or activities, etc.   Acts of Service could be stuff done around the house--I suspect that my BFF(J)'s hubby is all about that.  And the Physical Touch isn't just the obvious--it can be a good back rub or just a quick hug.  It makes a lot of sense to me that couples can sometimes lose that component of their relationship after they've been together for a while--& newly dating people usually seem to hit all the highlights because it is so new.  I'm glad that I read it--brings insight into what I seem to need from my significant other--and it helped me to realize one of the major parts that was missing from my own failed marriage--we just never recognized what the other person needed although I'm still unsure what my ex's "love language" was.  It certainly wasn't mine.  Chapman also states that a lot of couples have far different ones--someone may be thrilled by his or her spouse bringing gifts but the other may like when chores get done around the house as an expression of love.  So learning which is important is key.  There is a survey in the back for the man & woman to take to learn what their styles are.  

So I took my half earlier this week & wasn't surprised by my results--too much--I was spread just about dead even across three: Words, Quality Time & Physical Touch--& the touch was the highest (by one point) which surprised me a bit--but as I thought about it I then decided that it made sense--I had often complained to my ex about the lack of physical interaction (not just sex) and how much that used to upset me.  So I figured y'all are wondering if Xing Fu took his half or just made light of it as some guys might....

One thing that I really appreciate about him is that he doesn't make light of these things I read or talk about regarding relationships & feelings, etc.  He doesn't shrink away from them either--it really helps us to get to know each other better & grow our relationship closer.  So in answer, yes, he did take it & wouldn't you know--our scores are pretty much exactly the same--needless to say we weren't too surprised by that.

9 Signs You've Met The One, Have You Met The One? Meet your Soulmate, Advice, Relationships, Dating

9 Signs You've Met The One, Have You Met The One? Meet your Soulmate, Advice, Relationships, Dating


I liked what this little article had to say.  Somehow EHarmony keeps sending me stuff but in this case I'll use it.