Wednesday, February 22, 2012


Yup, going all German on ya'.  Been a difficult month & am definitely feeling what wikipedia defines as : world-pain or world-weariness.  And earlier in the day, just had one of those events that in the grand scheme of things is small, but just sort of tipped me over the edge into weltschmerz.   Been on the edge of tears all day for no direct reason (other than a funeral).  So those of you engaging in schadenfreude (love those Germans--they have some really great words), gape all y'all want with glee. Yeah, I know in the bigger picture, I'm in good shape--just feeling the pain.  Three funerals this month & one of my kitties passed away too.  All of the people who have gone were amazing people who made it easier to smile. And they all passed away from cancer--way too early. just sucks.

And the stress from getting the house ready to sell & all of that emotion is taking a toll as well. I see the repairs, the painting, & even ordered kitchen cabinet pulls but I feel like I'm spinning my wheels & just waiting. Like I'm in stasis & not getting any closer to buying a house & moving forward....sigh. I wanna go search for my new house but it's not quite time yet & I'm worried that my house won't sell & we'll be stuck & really unable to move forward.  

The tipping point was work this morning.  I went in for a half day & never stopped to breathe until I left.  But that wasn't the issue--I generally like being busy.  It was the whack-job parent who felt it necessary to chew me a new one while the office staff laughed in the background.  And I didn't do anything wrong.  She accused me wrongly of keeping her from participating in her child's IEP meetings for two years running.  Intellectually I know she's crazy & flinging stoopid accusations that have no basis in reality, but in my heart it wounded me because I work very hard to build positive relationships with my parents--it is intimidating for most of them to attend these meetings & I try very hard to make them feel at ease--with humor & empathy.  And I think for the most part I succeed, until something like this happens.  Just tough to swallow sometimes.

And the final blow & again it is a small one, is that Xing Fu is away on a night that we'd be together.  Normally not a huge issue but with everything else swirling around off-kilter, I really needed that island to wash ashore on for the evening.  I just miss him.


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