No One Is Carol Brady Except Carol Brady....And She Had Alice

I gotta say sometimes this blended family thing blows serious chunks!  OK, that being said, I remember reading some advice once about it being good to buy a new house together that way everyone can't claim territorial rights...good in theory but it doesn't take into account that in some ways, Xing Fu & I are kinda like a newly married couple, with all of the angst that comes in the first year of any marriage & subsequent moving in together issues. And yup, the added smooshing of families also adds more angst & the loss of the only house my kid has ever known, and, and, and....well, y'all get the point.  So why can't I be Carol?  The ability to smoothly glide into her step-children's lives (and Tiger's) & become the loving, cheerful, smiling stepmomma that everyone loves.  Maybe it's easier since they were both widowers & didn't have to deal with intrusive exes & confused loyalty issues. I'm sure the exes must have a bit of schadenfreude whenever there is perceived "drama"--the desire to see the house of cards come crashing down on the household & the vicarious, "I told you it wouldn't work.", while giving that little shake of the head & little half smirk of superiority...Well dammit! I ain't Carol & I really don't have Alice to smooth the rough edges. And sometimes, just sometimes I get oh, so tired of playing the part of something I'm not.  Stress fractures appear in the supposed calm mien & I need to "light out for the Territories" as Stephen King or Peter Straub might say in The Talisman. Which is exactly what I did on Sunday.  I disappeared for 6 hours--I couldn't breathe, I felt unwelcome in my own new house where there aren't supposed to be territorial issues, & I didn't want to scare anyone...so I lit out.  My son knew that I needed to get out & wasn't worried (he knows me so well) & I needed to get perspective & get away from a toxic dump.  I just needed to remind myself that "this too will pass" & that things will get better....in about 4-7 years! as the experts on blending families like to point out. And in reality, even though we've been in this house together since late May, it is still very new to all of us. Sometimes being a Brady is just much easier!

Weltschmerz

Yup, going all German on ya'.  Been a difficult month & am definitely feeling what wikipedia defines as : world-pain or world-weariness.  And earlier in the day, just had one of those events that in the grand scheme of things is small, but just sort of tipped me over the edge into weltschmerz.   Been on the edge of tears all day for no direct reason (other than a funeral).  So those of you engaging in schadenfreude (love those Germans--they have some really great words), gape all y'all want with glee. Yeah, I know in the bigger picture, I'm in good shape--just feeling the pain.  Three funerals this month & one of my kitties passed away too.  All of the people who have gone were amazing people who made it easier to smile. And they all passed away from cancer--way too early. Soooo...it just sucks.

And the stress from getting the house ready to sell & all of that emotion is taking a toll as well. I see the repairs, the painting, & even ordered kitchen cabinet pulls but I feel like I'm spinning my wheels & just waiting. Like I'm in stasis & not getting any closer to buying a house & moving forward....sigh. I wanna go search for my new house but it's not quite time yet & I'm worried that my house won't sell & we'll be stuck & really unable to move forward.  

The tipping point was work this morning.  I went in for a half day & never stopped to breathe until I left.  But that wasn't the issue--I generally like being busy.  It was the whack-job parent who felt it necessary to chew me a new one while the office staff laughed in the background.  And I didn't do anything wrong.  She accused me wrongly of keeping her from participating in her child's IEP meetings for two years running.  Intellectually I know she's crazy & flinging stoopid accusations that have no basis in reality, but in my heart it wounded me because I work very hard to build positive relationships with my parents--it is intimidating for most of them to attend these meetings & I try very hard to make them feel at ease--with humor & empathy.  And I think for the most part I succeed, until something like this happens.  Just tough to swallow sometimes.

And the final blow & again it is a small one, is that Xing Fu is away on a night that we'd be together.  Normally not a huge issue but with everything else swirling around off-kilter, I really needed that island to wash ashore on for the evening.  I just miss him.

 

Schadenfreude

You know what it is, right?  Deriving pleasure from others' misfortunes.  Everyone has it on occasion.  So I did a little experiment.  Earlier I wrote a post about the biggest break-up days of the year--supposedly December 3rd-6th--ring a bell?   I have been thinking recently that my readership has been suffering--yeah, who the hell wants to read about a woman in a happy relationship?  Y'all want the not so nice stuff--the ugly, seamy underbelly of online dating.  My hypothesis was that if I used a very provocative title, all of my supposed followers would come out of hiding to read my blog again.  Anyhow, the title I used was Break-Up Days--

And wouldn't you know, my hits exploded over the next few days!   I'm guessing that most of you out there thought, erroneously of course, that Xing Fu & I had called it quits.  So there it is!  Proof that people love a little schadenfreude & that my happiness does not make for good blog fodder as now my readership is down.  

 So I put this question out into the blogosphere--Is it true that a blog is more interesting when the writer is not happy or at least not contented? 

It's The Little Things

Just say yes, 'cause I'm aching and I know you are too
For the touch of your warm skin
As I breathe you in

I can feel your heartbeat through my shirt
This was all I wanted, all I want
Its all I want
Just Say Yes--Snow Patrol




Last night I told Xing Fu that I thought my blog had lost a bit of readership...my thinking is that people desire a bit of schadenfreude here.  It's sad, but folk wanna hear about troubles in paradise & there aren't any, really.  I guess the only nasty would be the stuff he's going through (divorce) & how it spills over into us, but he does a great job of not making it a focal point.  Very important to keep that away from the center of our relationship--and we do, no matter how issues try to get in the way--I think the important part of this is the fact that we talk--about everything.  And we're 100% open about them as well.  Xing Fu said I should make up an issue to post to up my readership--something to titillate the masses...ha!  But frankly I like it this way.  It is easy.  I said that last night--we have had a few bumps in the road but as I said, we talk about them--the outcome of all of this is that it is easy to be with him--just like it is easy to be with my best friends--I don't have to be on eggshells, I can tell him anything & everything..we make each other smile--I catch him smiling at me quite a lot...it's the little things. 

Like dropping by my TKD school to watch me spar, calling me in the middle of the day to say hello.  Having a bet about the NCAA brackets--I'm losing so far.  Putting Spoon on the stereo because we're going to see them in concert very soon, even when it's March Madness.  Those are only a few of them--I think it has to do with attentiveness.  He is good to me & everyone says I'm glowing...still.  And I don't care if my readership is down!