Relationship Checklist

One of the blogs that I follow is written by Alisa Bowman entitled: Project Happily Ever After.  Here's the link to the post that I'm referencing:  http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2011/12/what-happily-married-people-know/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+ProjectHappilyEverAfter+%28Project%3A+Happily+Ever+After%29

She's written a book with the same title that I've read.  Today's post I've found quite applicable to my current thread here.  Even a bit of the 3 Cs--compromise too.  It is about happily married folk but in all honestly as I've said previously--it is just as important for LTRs too. I really like the list that she provides & much of it rings quite true. One part of the list talks about accepting defeat.  Being able to say, "Ok, you win this one."  Not necessarily out loud but being able to back down is important--a compromise of sorts if you will.  Along with that is what Bowman says about being able to say "I'm sorry."  She says it is easier & more gratifying to say sorry than to defend your actions.  I've even said to Xing Fu that if he simple says I'm sorry, chances are that I'll let a lot of what was bothering me go--

Realizing of course that there will be arguments--how you deal with them is key--in fact I think that arguing shows a healthy relationship--not ever arguing indicates that one or both people aren't vested anymore--that the passion is gone. If you spend your life in a house where you never talk to one another--watch out!  If you get to a point where it is better to just ignore your problems & hope that they fade, then that's where resentments build up--I'm the opposite--I tend to deal with issues right away--I hate having things drag--I want it done & over with so I can move on.  I was the exact opposite when I was married so perhaps I've learned from my mistakes.   Hopefully, we both have.

Warts & All

I was reading a Cracked.com (go figure) article about the "4 Kinds of People (And What You Can Learn From Them) by Gladstone & was struck by a saying that he says has been out there for a while.  I must be naive 'cuz I've never heard this before: 

There are four kinds of people in this world:

people who like you for the wrong reasons;

people who like you for the right reasons;

people who dislike you for the wrong reasons; and

people who dislike you for the right reasons.

And it's only the last group you need to worry about.

Read more: The 4 Kinds of People (And What You Can Learn From Them) | Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-4-kinds-people-and-what-you-can-learn-from-them/#ixzz1didYcYts

Ok, I'll buy that & it is the last group that I do worry about to be sure, because it's all about doing better in life & working on your faults. But I'm also reading a book by Alisa Bowman entitled Project: Happily Ever After  which examines her road to fixing her marriage & how we all can do better with our SOs, hubbies, BFs, etc., & came across a point about allowing those we love to really know us.  She found the following statement from The Seven Levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly:

"We are afraid that if people really

knew us they wouldn't love us...

And although we are afraid to reveal

ourselves because of the possibility of

rejection, it is only by revealing our-

selves that we will ever open the possi-

bility of truly being loved."

That statement is huge--the trust involved in allowing that level of intimacy can be exceedingly difficult to achieve--especially if you've been burned before--as we all have, but in particular having gone through a separation & a divorce.  The sense of thinking that you've allowed someone to know you & perhaps rejecting them or their rejection of you & then allowing someone in that close again is scary.  It takes a lot to allow the one person you hold closest (besides your children) to see what you often hide from yourself & allow them access.  It's saying "Here are the reasons that some folk don't like me, but because I trust you & hope that you'll help me to become a better person, I'm going to allow you access to my ugly."  And hope that they still love you & want to be with you.  It's hard to do & doing it makes one vulnerable--but I think one of the ultimate gestures of love is opening yourself up to do just that.  Because one of the reasons I chose you to become so close to me is that I believe that you will help me to overcome the bad qualities & become a better person.