Intelligent Dating

Yesterday a friend of mine posted a link to this article on facebook entitled: 
If A Man Wants You by Salma Rumman.

Such truisms were never said better. In fact the first statement really says it all: "If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away".

Via http://www.divinecaroline.com/22065/35337-wants#ixzz1hD2NiCcY

How true.  I've read that all over the dating advice sites, books like He's Just Not That Into You, & Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man, & just about any guy friend I quizzed.  The advice also applies beyond the man having finally decided that he wants you--it's also how he treats you & how you allow him to treat you.

As I looked at these statements & reviewed my dating life before Xing Fu & cringed a bit because I so recognized my behavior.  I allowed so many ill-mannered behaviors, but I think as one of my friends said, "Those guys were part of your transition team."  Yes, they were--because now I know & expect to be treated with respect & not make the excuses, & concessions for poor behavior.  I really hope that my friend who originally posted this article to facebook follows the advice & prepares herself for the great guy I know is out there for her & only her. And, I absolutely agree with the article that dating is fun--it most certainly can be, if you relax & let it.   I think I'll label this advice "Intelligent Dating".

I also loved this article for recognizing & reminding me about the great guy I have now--he sometimes infuriates me, confounds & confuses me, but he does seem to encompass most of what I am looking for--almost two years out, in my partner. And as the article states, "Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything you need."  So not an issue--woohoo!

But the best statement for the already committed (heh, committed=crazy?) is, "You should not be doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street."  Compromise, Communication, & Cuddling--the 3 C's.  YUP.

Relationship Checklist

One of the blogs that I follow is written by Alisa Bowman entitled: Project Happily Ever After.  Here's the link to the post that I'm referencing:  http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2011/12/what-happily-married-people-know/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+ProjectHappilyEverAfter+%28Project%3A+Happily+Ever+After%29

She's written a book with the same title that I've read.  Today's post I've found quite applicable to my current thread here.  Even a bit of the 3 Cs--compromise too.  It is about happily married folk but in all honestly as I've said previously--it is just as important for LTRs too. I really like the list that she provides & much of it rings quite true. One part of the list talks about accepting defeat.  Being able to say, "Ok, you win this one."  Not necessarily out loud but being able to back down is important--a compromise of sorts if you will.  Along with that is what Bowman says about being able to say "I'm sorry."  She says it is easier & more gratifying to say sorry than to defend your actions.  I've even said to Xing Fu that if he simple says I'm sorry, chances are that I'll let a lot of what was bothering me go--

Realizing of course that there will be arguments--how you deal with them is key--in fact I think that arguing shows a healthy relationship--not ever arguing indicates that one or both people aren't vested anymore--that the passion is gone. If you spend your life in a house where you never talk to one another--watch out!  If you get to a point where it is better to just ignore your problems & hope that they fade, then that's where resentments build up--I'm the opposite--I tend to deal with issues right away--I hate having things drag--I want it done & over with so I can move on.  I was the exact opposite when I was married so perhaps I've learned from my mistakes.   Hopefully, we both have.

The Three Cs

"The three Cs: compromise, communication, and cuddling! If something seems to be wrong, it's usually because one of these things is missing." -Kim (Cosmopolitan Online)


Wow!  I so agree with that statement as simple as it is.  A couple fractious days in relationshipland.  And although we don't always get along as well as we'd like, I always think that at the end of the misunderstanding, miscommunication, or mis-something we are able to learn a little more about one another.   Yup, we had a bit of a disagreement & as always it had to do with time and waiting--reference to the post just before this one.  And I think in some ways all three of the above Cs were missing which is why we argued in the first place.  For me, sometimes the only thing that my BF needs to do when we've been at it is to simply say that he's sorry & give me a hug & believe it or not, all of my vitriol, etc., will quite possibly just, dissolve....even if he's sorry for just a small part of the issue--like sorry for just the act of getting into the argument in the first place, that small gesture will move the situation miles forward.  When that happens, I don't need to win, I just know that I've been heard & that is most important.


Another piece of this relationship stuff is growing familiarity--everyone knows the hackneyed phrase, "You always hurt the ones you love." Why?  Perhaps one part of the answer comes from something I saw on TV this afternoon (DVR'd).  I've begun watching The New Girl & I really like it.  But I found these statements ring true:

Nick:

“You know what sucks about getting old?

Your friends have known you for way too long. They’ve got too much on ya’.

I want friends who still lie to me because they don’t want to hurt my feelings.  I sadly kind of mean that.”

Familiarity brings verity...when a relationship is new, one is on one's best behavior--now things are different.  But unlike Nick, I'd rather hear the truth & work through it because who wants to cruise through life with only superficial friends?  I hope that when we have disagreements that the resolution brings about a deeper understanding--as well as the three Cs.  :)

I haven't really touched on the compromise thing yet...but I will--that's a big one.

Stages

The above comic strip is so true.  It is so easy to misconstrue the other person's meaning.  I'm not saying this has happened, but it is easy to do so especially as we move into a more familiar aspect of our relationship--we are no longer in the throes of the "first bloom", sweep me completely of my feet (although I have been told that I still glow...) part of life and have now entered into a more realistic perspective--I'd like to think it is actually a more intimate stage.

That being said, there have been adjustments especially since Xing Fu has been away recently & finding time for one another becomes sometimes difficult (I reference back to an earlier post:  http://boyfriendplease-sailorgrl.blogspot.com/2010/02/finding-rhythm.html  )  We keep reminding ourselves that communication is key because like that comic above, there are many areas where there could be a break-down, especially with so many priorities & people vying for our attention.  It certainly is a balancing act on so many fronts....one word comes to mind fairly often: COMPROMISE.

I think the last few weeks have been kind of rough for me, an adjustment, a reality check on what I'm thinking.  Xing Fu remarked about that last night--he is right--the real world comes crashing in & working with the reality can be difficult at times for me, but I think we both are working hard to understand what the other needs & adjust accordingly as best we can under our own constraints.  The work we put into this relationship thingy...I wrote this in an email today: "makes me appreciate the positive work we put into us (something we may not have been so willing to do with others in the past)."   Again I can reference Lori Gottlieb & her comments about working into a partnership.  And that's what we want.

Stage: Work in Progress