Never Date a Non-Sailor & Other Truisms

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” – Friedrich Nietzsche



I agree with this statement wholeheartedly. Passionate love only lasts so long--it is the slogging through after the head-over-heals, feet never touching the ground ground feelings wear off that matters. Yes, "the slings & arrows of outrageous fortune" don't go away & how a couple deals with them together makes all the difference. Having the core of a deep friendship can make even the most difficult circumstances bearable. And true love is built on real friendship over time.

Having been through one failed marriage, I've come to the conclusion that my ex & I were at our best as friends. And at one time we were friends but I think we fooled ourselves into thinking that there was enough commonality in values, hobbies, interests to sustain us. There just wasn't. Xing Fu & I joke about the one dating rule that we adhere to: "Never date a non-sailor." We both did not follow that rule the first go 'round & look where it got us...We joke but I think there is a truth there. We met doing what we love--there isn't a day that goes by that sailing isn't mentioned. In fact, our house could be described as a shrine to sailing.  Sad, but true. All of our sailing friends love it...  But, that is our passion. I feel my happiest & most alive when I'm out there & what better than to share that with someone I love & who understands my need to be trimming the kite.  But this isn't a blog about sailing, really...ha! Who'm I kidding??  My point in all of this is that common interests, ahem, obsessions, (joking) are extremely important. I look at other sailing couples in our social circle & being out on the bay together seems to be very satisfying for them as well.  I know that when I was out in the dating scene, I decided to dive back into the sailing community for a big reason--I loved sailing & I really wanted to be with someone else who loved it as well (and my other passion of horseback riding has, like, zero men).  As I've talked about in much earlier posts, even if I didn't meet anyone, I was loving my hobby, er, obsession.  I also want to point out that even though sailing was what drew us together, that wasn't the only thing about our original friendship.  Actually, it was The Who. At least, that's what got us talking in the first place.  And our common interests are very important--we enjoy doing things together & building on the basis of our friendship. I think good marriages & LTRs are bound together by just enjoying being with your best friend.

Below is a little quiz thingy I found about knowing your spouse/significant other. Have you lost touch with these things? Yeah, some of them seem trivial but when I thought about it, I realized that these are the dailys--and adapt as needed--if your partner doesn't like movies that much, how about favorite books.  If you have lost touch--use this as a way to jump off & reach back out to reconnect.

• I can name my partner's best friends.
• I know what stresses my partner currently faces.
• I know the names of those who have been irritating my partner lately.
• I know some of my partner's life dreams.
• I am very familiar with my partner's religious beliefs.
• I can outline my partner's basic philosophy of life.
• I can list the relatives my partner likes least.
• I know my partner's favorite music.
• I can list my partner's favorite three movies.
• I know the most stressful thing that happened to my partner in childhood.
• I can list my partner's major aspirations.
• I know what my partner would do if he/she won a million dollars.
• I can relate in detail my first impressions of my partner.
• I ask my partner about his/her world periodically.
• I feel my partner knows me fairly well. 

Adapted from:  Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown. And from "Forever Families" http://foreverfamilies.byu.edu/article.aspx?a=58

Maturity

Recently, I've had a lot of time to think--simply because it's the summer, my kid's been in Israel for a month, & I only work 2 days a week.  There just ain't a lot to do--especially while swimming laps at the pool--thinking just creeps in, ya' know?  Anyhow, I digress & I haven't even started.  But I've been thinking about all of my past relationships & how they compare to my current one.  I hate to say it but I think this one is my first really mature relationship.  Here I am, 46 years old & up until this point I've been floundering in a morass of immature, often, destructive relationships...sigh. I've been thinking about this because of some of the folks around me & their current situations.  Comparisons abound & when I look at what these people are going through, I wince because at some point that was me & like them, I never recognized the toxicity of the relationship.  And now, observing my current situation, & no it ain't perfect by any stretch, but I can definitely say that it is mature.  Can you step back & look at what is going on? Signs that your romantic relationship is immature:

1. You keep breaking up & then reuniting.  This could be due to the fact that your guy keeps cheating on you or asks for space or isn't able to discuss anything that causes issues in the relationship....

2. You argue constantly.  OK, everyone has disagreements & sometimes they get a bit heated, but is it everyday?  Are you able to even discuss a problem with respect & without disintegrating into name-calling? You get my point--conflict happens, but how you deal with the process is what's telling.

3. You feel disconnected.  Emotionally, physically, proximity--as in he's never available by phone, email, or even for a date....and when you bring it up, he gets defensive and/or secretive.  You're sick, you need a ride to the doctor, your car broke down & you need a ride to the mechanic but he can't help--evah. A man who is emotionally unavailable is very immature about your relationship--if he's unwilling to talk about what bothers you...ever, run, don't walk to the nearest exit!  

4. You are always suspicious.  What is he doing? With whom? Why didn't he text, call, email?  Why didn't he tell me he loves me?  Why didn't he take me out? Why haven't I met his friends, family yet & we've been together ____ months? Get it?

5. You feel like it's just game-playing.  See all of the above--this is player behavior!

6. You haven't developed a real friendship.  A mature relationship is based on an underlying friendship that grows deeper over time. Sex & attraction is important, but do you enjoy each other as companions?  'nuff said!

7. You don't show affection.  This could be in public--I'm not saying an all-out make-out session a la middle school--I'm just saying hand holding, a kiss in the parking lot of the Giant, or a shoulder rub as you sit at Merriweather watching a concert.  That kind of thing.  A mature guy is not afraid of a little PDA.  

8. You never look beyond the current interaction.  In other words, you have no future plans--for another date if it is a relatively new relationship, or for a trip somewhere together, if you've been with this person for a while.  Or even, you don't see him, or you, intertwining your futures--

9. You are supplementing them. If you are giving money, "therapy", a place to live, etc., and not getting anything in return.  Yes, couples need to be there for each other but not provide a place to live without a prior agreement of living together, and/or giving money to that person because they're short every month, or providing "therapy" instead of support emotionally.  This is over-the-top. Mature relationships do not have this kind of one-sidedness.  It is very shared.  Yes, emergencies do come up but it not quite such a land-slide in one direction.

10. You believe that it will get better.  If all of the above circumstances apply to you & your sig other....It won't!  End it!

I'm no therapist myself, but the old adage, "been there, done that" applies.  I'd rather throw in my two cents than to sit idly by & watch the destruction.  Good luck, & I hope I can help even a little bit.  And everyone who wants a good, loving relationship deserves to have one!

The Slings and Arrows

Wow.  I feel beaten up.  The other day I was reading a little blurb somewhere on the 'net about divorce.  I think it was a statement like, "Remember to take care of your spouse & help them to remember to take care of you.  I lost sight of that early on in my marriage."  That statement is full of regret & loss & it makes me think as I often look at some aspect of divorce (prolly because I am divorced), & reflect back on my own & wonder, still, to this day, whether I should have worked harder to make the marriage last.  (I invariably come to the conclusion that no, I most definitely did the right thing by divorcing my ex.)  But as I reviewed this idea I was really struck--Does having children cause divorce or increase the likelihood of beginning the process of divorce? And, as I've looked around the WWW, it seems that there is a definite correlation. 

You know, there are so many studies out there about the effects of divorce on the kiddos but it's kinda a new thought about the kids' effect on the marriage... Many researchers attribute the trend of unhappy marriages after children to the type of society we've become--the need instant gratification & if we can't make it work we get out without trying to put the real effort into the relationship.  Committed relationships take WORK!!  Or, women don't need to be married anymore--roles have changed & women can very easily take care of themselves without benefit of a man, or marriage expectations have changed as people are waiting to find their one true love.  (I certainly can relate to that).  In fact, people are entering into marriage with the expectation that this man or woman will be their everything: lover, confidante, BFF, exercise partner, etc., etc.  So, with all that energy being put into the relationship with that one soul mate & all of a sudden a new critter is bawling its eyes out wanting its diaper changed, it's no wonder that that kind of relationship gets a little fragmented especially if one or both parents really wasn't ready to be a parent in the first place.  See this great article by Vicki Glembocki in Philly Mag:

http://www.phillymag.com/arts_events/articles/do_kids_cause_divorce/

And, according to the research, marital satisfaction drops a whopping 70% after the kids are born!  YIKES!  But I believe it & we change after the kids are born (at least some of us do...).  I had to grow up & actually become responsible--go figure!  Dr. Mark Goulston asked his couples therapy clients what they were like before marriage & here was the response: "most will say that it was happier. They were more carefree, playful, happy and most importantly and poignantly they remember putting a smile on each others' face.  Very quickly they will catch themselves and say something like: 'Now don't get me wrong, we love our children, but we did get along better before we had kids.'" Reference: http://www.divorce360.com/divorce-articles/causes-of-divorce/general/getting-through-to-anybody-can-children-cause-divorce.aspx?artid=1353

Now don't go thinking that children cause divorce--I think what studies have shown is that if the marriage is a little rocky to start, adding kids may send it over the edge--or if the couple doesn't take stock of the situation early enough & seek to fix it then perhaps that relationship may not last.

So what do I take from this?  Because, am I a hypocrite spouting this nonsense after the fact, as both Xing Fu & I have played the divorce dance?  No, I am learning from my mistakes.  Being in a LTR & planning for the long haul I will re-state what brought me to write this post in the first place: Take care of your SO, and he/she will take care of you.  Don't lose sight of this connection when the slings & arrows of life muddy the waters so much that you forget why you were together in the first place.  Love each other.

Prove It!

by Shel Silverstein

It's scary that Thanksgiving is so near--seems like yesterday I was hiking out during a windward leg of the Screwpile Regatta.  Sigh....I think this weekend may be the last sail of the season.  As we talk about all of the things that we are grateful for & give our thanks for family, friends, etc.,  during the season, I think this little piece of advice fits right in. I keep coming across things in my travels that strike me as important & good ideas to try.  Xing Fu is a good sport because I keep trotting out activities & he very willingly jumps right in.  I haven't run this one by him yet, but I think he'll give it a go.  

Anyway, I was reading Good Housekeeping (I know, I know, me??  Good Housekeeping???),  and inside there is a monthly advice column called "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin.  It's all about finding your happiness--through various thoughts, actions, with yourself, family, etc.  I usually find a few good tidbits in it--in fact, may have written something from it before, but I was struck by this one.  Her happiness thought for December is: 

Hug more, kiss more, touch more.  These actions take no extra time, energy, or money, but they make a big difference.

 http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/health/wellness/hugs-and-kisses
She goes on to include this advice for greeting family warmly when they come home or making sure to bid farewell also.  This builds connectedness, creates feelings of worth & meaning, & shows that family members are cherished.  I like this & I want to try it.  But also I like what she says about her "spiritual master" St. Therese of Lisieux.  St. Therese said, "It isn't enough to love; we must prove it."  We often forget to show the people we love that we love them.  Saying "I love you" is nice to be sure, but hugging, touching, going out of our way to welcome someone home is a simple way to prove love.  According to Gretchen Rubin these are "proofs of love."  I couldn't agree more.  In fact, I often write about the little things--here's another one that I hope becomes a big habit.

Warts & All

I was reading a Cracked.com (go figure) article about the "4 Kinds of People (And What You Can Learn From Them) by Gladstone & was struck by a saying that he says has been out there for a while.  I must be naive 'cuz I've never heard this before: 

There are four kinds of people in this world:

people who like you for the wrong reasons;

people who like you for the right reasons;

people who dislike you for the wrong reasons; and

people who dislike you for the right reasons.

And it's only the last group you need to worry about.

Read more: The 4 Kinds of People (And What You Can Learn From Them) | Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-4-kinds-people-and-what-you-can-learn-from-them/#ixzz1didYcYts

Ok, I'll buy that & it is the last group that I do worry about to be sure, because it's all about doing better in life & working on your faults. But I'm also reading a book by Alisa Bowman entitled Project: Happily Ever After  which examines her road to fixing her marriage & how we all can do better with our SOs, hubbies, BFs, etc., & came across a point about allowing those we love to really know us.  She found the following statement from The Seven Levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly:

"We are afraid that if people really

knew us they wouldn't love us...

And although we are afraid to reveal

ourselves because of the possibility of

rejection, it is only by revealing our-

selves that we will ever open the possi-

bility of truly being loved."

That statement is huge--the trust involved in allowing that level of intimacy can be exceedingly difficult to achieve--especially if you've been burned before--as we all have, but in particular having gone through a separation & a divorce.  The sense of thinking that you've allowed someone to know you & perhaps rejecting them or their rejection of you & then allowing someone in that close again is scary.  It takes a lot to allow the one person you hold closest (besides your children) to see what you often hide from yourself & allow them access.  It's saying "Here are the reasons that some folk don't like me, but because I trust you & hope that you'll help me to become a better person, I'm going to allow you access to my ugly."  And hope that they still love you & want to be with you.  It's hard to do & doing it makes one vulnerable--but I think one of the ultimate gestures of love is opening yourself up to do just that.  Because one of the reasons I chose you to become so close to me is that I believe that you will help me to overcome the bad qualities & become a better person.

Moldy Oldie

Something in the wind has learned my name
And it's tellin' me that things are not the same
In the leaves on the trees and the touch
of the breeze
There's a pleasin' sense of happiness for me.

There is only one wish on my mind
When this day is through I hope
that I will find
That tomorrow will be just the same
for you and me
All I need will be mine if you are here.

--The Carpenters  

The above song lyrics were sent in an email from Xing Fu.  He told me that he was singing the song in his head just before we woke up on Monday morning.  Such an incredible feeling to have, knowing that I make him feel that way & that he wakes up singing.  Can't ask for better.   Often, we marvel at just how compatible we are--we both get into looking at lyrics to favorite songs and setting them as a soundtrack to our lives--I know I've written about that before but looking at all of those compatibilities, I'm just amazed--both of us are.  

On Saturday it will be our one year anniversary.  Xing Fu says he doesn't hold dates as important like I do, but for me dates are a big thang.  I remember last year & how I had a sense even before our relationship changed from friendship, that this was going to be something big.  There was an undercurrent that took my breath away & when our relationship did change, I think it knocked us both--wonderful & it gets better almost a year later.  

I sent him an email today--I had read something on MSN that couples who play together, stay together.  I copied most of the games listed in the article & how that benefits couples.  He added that I had suggested geocaching & that was something we've both enjoyed together.  Of course, we have a Scrabble challenge and we've yet to hold the tournament....He told me that he appreciates me because I'm always thinking about these kinds of things.  I like that he will read articles that I find in magazines like Cosmo or Redbook that I think will enhance our relationship & will take them seriously & be willing to try suggestions.  I hope that we continue to enhance each others' lives for many, many years to come.

The Lime Tree

Spark a match and watch the candle burn
the wick runs out and love takes its turn
on fallen angels and broken sounds
we will last past the final round
it took a while for you to find me
because i was hiding in the lime tree
above the city in the rain cloud
i poked a hole and watched it drain out
parallel to the city streets
our broken crowns beneath our feet
but as we walk across the diamonds
we know that love is always shining
so save me love save me all the time
i'll wash you down with a simple sip of wine
and toast my glass to all my loved ones
to let them know that the stars well they still shine

Trevor Hall

"The lime tree is the symbol of conjugal love, the quality, hospitality and modesty. This symbolism is to decrease/go back on Ovid's narration of Philemon and Baucis, the old married couple, the nothing more desired than dying itself together, so that none of them would have to experience the death of the other one. Zeus met this desire, when death came to them, to them transformed it the two into trees; Philemon into an oak and Baucis into a lime tree.

Knowing this, its easier to decipher what this song actually means.....

It's a song about intense love for a soulmate.
The line "i was hiding in the lime tree" is his way of saying he was waiting for his mate all along in a place where lovers lay.

As the myth goes, after the gods had been rejected from every home they had visited, philemon and baucis were the only good people left in the world; the gods flooded the rest of the city leaving only the small cottage..
hence the line "above the city in the raincloud i poked a hole and let it drain out"

It Must Be In The Air

I am thinking it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images and
When we kiss they're perfectly aligned

And I have to speculate
That God himself did make us into Corresponding shapes like puzzles pieces From the clay
True, it may seem like a stretch
But it's thoughts like this
That catch my troubled head
When you're away, when I am missing you to death
--Iron & Wine Such Great Heights

Feeling a bit melancholic recently & looking around the blogosphere it appears others are as well...go figure.

Anyhow, I posted this song for a couple of reasons:

About the time that my ex-husband & I separated the movie Garden State came out--one of my favorites. Even though I was suffering a major loss in my life & a failed marriage, I loved the picture this song painted, and paints. It gave me hope that I could find a love where I felt that close to someone that we reflect each other. I still feel that way. The kind where you're of a like-mind, or you finish each other's thoughts...I saw a show a couple of days ago on MPT called This Emotional Life. One segment focused on long-term relationships. One thing said that struck me was about how successful couples do things together--share interests, & participate in uncommon activities together--biking tour or skydiving, whatever. My folks are like that--they've been together for 30+ years. And actually theirs is a second marriage. My dad is really my stepfather but he really is my dad so I call him that. But that's not my point--what it is is that it gives me hope--that I'll find my "corresponding puzzle piece".