Will You Cheat?

I came across this infographic about cheating. Very interesting. Especially the large testicles. Question: How many women are now going to inspect their man's testes??? Answer: All of the women who live in DC! *SNORT*

 

Separation Anxiety

Came across this on Huffpost today. Pretty spot on so I thought I'd share as it has been since 2004 when my ex & I separated & I could've used some of these wise words:

 

20 Things I Wish I Could Have Told My Newly Separated Self

by Jackie Pilossoph

As I look back on myself as a newly separated 41-year-old with two young children, I realize now how utterly lost I was. Those first several months were brutal. Not only was I trying to navigate the waters of divorce, dealing with the ups and downs of litigation and mediation, but I was also trying to heal my broken heart, and at the same time trying to find my way to a happier life.

It was like a roller coaster, and I remember that winter, I got the worst flu I've ever had in my life -- probably my body's reaction to months and months of some of the worst stress I can ever remember.
Had I had someone like me (a divorce blogger and someone who has been there) to give myself some good advice, it would have been nice! A lot of stress, probably most of it, stems from the fear of the unknown, so if someone would have given me a few nuggets of advice, it really would have been useful.
So, here are 20 things I wish I could have told my newly separated self.
1. This isn't going to be easy. Put on your seatbelt and go for the ride. Try to enjoy the non-bumpy times, because there aren't many, but some parts of the journey are wonderful, believe it or not.
2. Your ex is hurting too. And he's angry. Try to be understanding of erratic, unreasonable behavior. I'm not saying accept it. It's not okay. Just understand why it's happening.
3. Getting divorced doesn't make you a failure so stop looking at it that way.
4. Be careful who you talk to. Airing your dirty laundry to the wrong people could have consequences.
5. Reach out to the people who love you. They want to be there for you. Don't sit in a room and cry by yourself all the time. There are times you need to call up your girlfriend and just sob.
6. You won't be alone and single when you're 70, so stop worrying about it.
7. Your kids are going to act out, cry a lot, and possibly be angry. It's your fault for getting a divorce but their behavior isn't YOUR fault and it doesn't mean you made a mistake getting divorced. Deal with it the best you can and get your kids therapy if you think it will help them. Don't feel guilty.
8. Your ex will have a girlfriend in the next two weeks. Be prepared. And, he will still be cold and distant to you, no matter how blissful he seems with her.
9. Your in-laws will act like strangers to you. Be prepared to be in shock when they treat you like the scum of the earth.
10. Some of your friends will stop calling you or returning your calls. Don't take it personally. Your divorce is THEIR issue.
11. Some of your friends will start calling you and want to get together to hear the dirt on why you got separated. After one get together, you will never hear from them again.
12. Start doing yoga. Today.
13. You're going to get calls from your attorney telling you what is happening in your case. Some calls will cause you to cry so hard you will hyperventilate. Remember that it will all turn out fine if you make good, ethical choices, be the best mom (or dad) you can be and don't break the law.
14. You're going to meet a lot of men who will paint a bleak picture of what the dating scene after divorce is like. Trust me, there are good ones out there! Don't lose hope.
15. One night, you will be out and you won't be expecting anything, and a guy who you never thought would be interested in you will be. And it will make you feel young again and sexy and pretty!
16. There will be so many nights you will feel exhausted and feel like things will never get any better. They will.
17. If someone other than your soon-to-be ex tells you that you should consider getting on anti-depressants, consider that they might be right.Many men and women go on medication for the short term during the beginning of a divorce. There's no shame in it!
18. Worrying doesn't really do anything except cause sickness and disease and make you feel depressed.
19. Whenever you feel extreme anger, sadness, depression or anxiety, do one of two things: go to the gym or write in a journal. Just do it. Don't even think twice. Those two things are guaranteed temporary remedies.
20. Don't lose sight of other things going on in the world, or your friends and family's lives. Your divorce isn't the center of the universe.

Jackie Pilossoph is the author of the blog, Divorced Girl Smiling. She is also the author of her new divorce novel with the same name, as well as her other divorce novel, FREE GIFT WITH PURCHASE. Ms. Pilossoph is a weekly business features reporter and columnist for Sun-Times Media. She lives in Chicago with her two kids. Oh, and she's divorced!

Follow Jackie Pilossoph on Twitter: www.twitter.com/

Watching From the Sidelines

It's actually come to this--who'd a thought it?  I'm sidelined watching my recently separated friend, K-Lily play the singles game!  Ah, grasshopper, we've come full circle!  How zen, how funny!  She sent me a text today asking for sex advice.... I'm flattered that she is seeking me out--I'm such a wanton hussy!  Or I guess that my earlier life as the mistress of 50 first dates assumes that I'd had a lot of sex....idk, but here I am the zen master with my own little grasshopper.  Just makes me giggle a bit.  And as she is regaling me about her new exploits with a guy she met online, I just have to sigh a little wistfully because I remember those times when my married friends sat transfixed by my very own exploits with the likes of the Bull...remember him? Her remark to me was the following, "Married sex wasn't as much fun!"  OK, there is something to said for that as I did have a lot of fun playing Samantha from SATC for a while but after having been on both sides of the fence I would disagree with her.  The excitement is certainly an aspect---but it does get tiresome. Yeah, case for the grass is always greener, etc., etc.  But given the choice, I like things just the way they are. 

Tire Marks

This blog seems to have multiple personalities at times.  Sometimes I write about sailing, sometimes about my relationship with Xing Fu, & recently, very often about being a stepmom & how incredibly difficult that is.  Funny, being a mom is definitely difficult & I sometimes think that I've been putting a hell of a lot more effort into being a stepmom than a mom these days--it is a double-edged sword to be sure.  But in all honesty, it seems that this stepmom gig is harder than the mom gig.  Why is that?  Mebbe it has something to do with the fact that my kid loves me & I love him & we've had years to develop our own peculiar brand of disfunction & this relationship is relatively new & before approximately 3 1/2 years ago, neither of us knew the other existed....

But, I keep working on it & sometimes I feel like I'm spinning my wheels & I also think that sometimes I'm pretty under-appreciated for the things that I do as well.  And recently, after really extending myself so much that I gave up some really important BFF time that I kinda needed, to spend a good portion of the day with one skid, I was just so frustrated because I really did feel somewhat under-appreciated.  And, as if by magic, I downloaded the wonderful resource entitled StepMom Magazine and there it was in this month's issue.  The affirmation I was looking for:

"...what commonly happens is that a lot of men feel uncomfortable showing affection to their wives. They don’t get to be with their kids full time and for many of the men I work with, this is a sorrow for them, to not be with their kids full time. What ends up happening is a lot of wives feel thrown under the bus the week that the kids are there and they are not shown the attention or the affection they desire. They are told by their husbands things like, “I get to see you all the time, but I only get to see my kids half the time.”  From: Eyes Wide Open: An Interview with Gregg Ockun
by MARY T. KELLY, M.A.   http://www.stepmommag.com/monthly-issues/

OK, how true is that!!  And boy have I heard it before....and yes, I totally get the missing seeing the kids full time--I know it would be extremely difficult for me (case in point, whenever my kid is away at camp).  But I shouldn't be cast aside like yesterday's newspaper (do they make those anymore??)  & that is how I feel often & particularly when it's their weekend.  And that isn't reality either.  I like the point that was also made about modeling a good marriage & relationship--it is natural & should be demonstrated to all of the kids--bio & step because neither have seen very positive ones from their parents.  That the relationship is a priority to both of us.  Gregg goes on to say that if he didn't make his marriage a priority, it just sets up further tensions with his wife and well....that leads to further antagonism. He normalizes the marriage.  He makes it a point to make time for the relationship even when his kids are there. 

   "And in order to do that [priority] you have to have respect, you have to show affection, you have to respect your partner’s feelings. And in doing so, I thought it was important that we spend some quality time together, to carve out whatever quality time there is.
It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant. It can just be a walk in the park or date night or whatever other opportunities come along. And we did that not only when the kids weren’t there. I also made it a point to do it when the kids were with us because that’s what parents who haven’t gone through divorce do. (italics/color added) They go out on their own date night, they go out to the movies and they have a babysitter. Why should we not be able to do that just because I’m having my week with my kids? I think it’s perfectly normal."

Statistics back this approach up apparently.  Most re-marriages end up in divorce & according to the article it has a lot to do with whether the household is "kid-centric" vs. "adult-centric".  It ain't easy finding that balance--practice, practice, practice.  And, oh the guilt--it seems to be the biggest issue that divorced fathers inherit.  And it drives them to neglect the one person who will give them the most support....how do you find the balance?  This seems to be the biggest struggle that we have these days. 

Muppet Philosophy

Been a few weeks since we've moved in & I think we're off to a good start--adjustments, adjustments, alterations, detours & the like--kinda like knitting (my sis would love this)sometimes you gotta rip it out & start again.  This is not easy & I think I've said this a few times before--but my philosophy is this: Nothing in Life is worthwhile if it comes too easy--you appreciate those things that you work hard to achieve. I get the impression that both of us want that--in fact, beside the whole love aspect, the fact that we are both committed to figuring all of this out despite the road blocks, frustrations, adjustments, & alterations, is a pretty strong message to the world:  We are in it for the duration even if sometimes it don't exactly look like it. And I'm sure that we sometimes scare the bejeezes outta our kiddos cuz' all of 'em are most certainly gun shy after divorce--even if it was 7 years ago in the case of my BS (Biological Son).  We don't see eye to eye on some things & rather than keep it all in & not communicate & just build resentment, we let it out (or I do).  Which brings me to Cookie Monster.  http://www.slate.com/articles/life/low_concept/2012/06/what_kind_of_muppet_are_you_chaos_or_order_.html

I just read a wonderful little article in Slate that talks about whether you are a "Chaos Muppet" or an "Order Muppet".  This article by Dhalia Lithwick is priceless.  So if you are a chaos muppet (think Cookie Monster, Ernie, Grover, Oscar, et al.) then you live your life a little bit like "seat of the pants" philosophy. Yeah, an emotional, with the tags hanging out whirlwind.   One example in the article talks about your spice cabinet. Which is so freakin' funny to me because as we set up house (and anyone who knows me knows how I LOVE to cook & have a million spices), one of our little issues is, in fact, the spice cabinet.  In the article Lithwick talks about organization & alphabetizing of the spices--if you just throw 'em in there then chances are you are a chaos muppet.  Hmmmm....guess that explains a lot.  I think a Chaos Muppet's arguing with the SO technique is bombastic rather than staid. But I will do things for cookies...  

An "Order Muppet" as you might guess, thrives on regimentation, & structure. They are "...averse to surprises and may sport monstrously large eyebrows. They sometimes resent the responsibility of the world weighing on their felt shoulders, (ah, weltschmerz)but they secretly revel in the knowledge that they keep the show running. Your first grade teacher was probably an Order Muppet."  Think Bert, Scooter,  & Kermit for good examples.  One question Xing Fu had for me was how did I want to arrange my spices?  My response was just to throw them in there--loosely organized around which ones I used more often.  In his old condo, Xing Fu had a spice rack with all of the spices neatly labeled. "Order Muppet" anyone?   And arguing stye is definitely more stoic than I.  But, the key to success is the following: " It’s simply the case that the key to a happy marriage, a well-functioning family, and a productive place of work lies in carefully calibrating the ratio of Chaos Muppets to Order Muppets within any closed system."  So, there you have it folks--in the perfect sense of opposites attract.  We just need to calibrate our relationship & our blended family into the best blend of Muppet Typology and from there it's a piece of cake...er, cookie.

Many Tentacles

Nope, not like this!

Blending is difficult--I think mixing is better--"Shaken, not stirred" kinda describes what it is like to smoosh families together.  Here we are, two separate formerly intact families with our own histories, ups & downs, trials & tribulations, interactive scripts, etc., & now the shake-up: the two families are expected to blend into a new family unit.  HAH!  In fact, an article in the New York Times talks about how truly unrealistic it is:

"The old, Brady Bunch stepfamily model — the so-called “blended family” — has long been out of favor. Indeed, the term is almost universally loathed by family therapists for the unrealistic expectations it promotes of previously unrelated children blending harmoniously with one another and a new adult, and the disjunction between that rosy vision and the more prickly reality that is stepfamily life." --Penelope Green 11/17/10
The article goes on to say that with "blended families", & really any other non-traditional family,  "there’s not one container for this new, many-tentacled thing called 'a family'.”  I concur--and we are learning to make it work daily.

I spent the second half of my vacay with Xing Fu & his kids more or less living with them & it was certainly a good dress rehearsal for the real thing--except that my kid wasn't there--that will be the real test--when all of us are in the house together.  I guess that won't really happen until we move but at least the days together were an opportunity to see what it all may be like.  Again, coming off the week, Xing Fu remarked that he felt it was a great success & I suppose that it was, for us at least, as he stated.  It was certainly far more difficult for his kids--sharing his attention.  I think my son is used to sharing my attention by now as he has had to do so longer than Xing Fu's children--for them it is still an adjustment.  But it is getting easier I think as the weekends go on & I continue to be a significant part of his weekends with his kids.  And I think it is important to continue to do so, so that when the inevitable move occurs, no one will be in a state of shock & awe.  We are no Brady Bunch that is for sure--even when, during one of the first times both of our families were together, one of Xing Fu's kids said that it was like the Brady Bunch & now they had a brother!  Yeah, we'll see how having a brother goes over when they have to deal with stinky socks....

Gold Stars

Recently I came across an article about kids & their sense of entitlement--I thought it rather a timely concept as the holidays approach & a cacophony of little petulant voices start whining for this toy or that game or that iphone.  I thought I'd work it up into a blog post but just hadn't found the right moment until I heard this story at lunch today & it just knocked my socks off.  I reference this article where I first gained my inspiration for this post:
http://momshomeroom.msn.com/articles/7/31541447

One of my co-workers read me an email sent to her husband who is an assistant coach on a travel league.  Recently they had their awards dinner & recognition for a good season.  Sounds pretty good, right?  Kids playing team sports should be recognized for demonstrating good sportsmanship, courage, being a team leader, & most improved player, etc.  This isn't handing out gold stars, just basic positive reinforcement--nothing over-the-top.  This email basically said that the mom couldn't understand why Johnny, who has been coached by the husband for two years was passed over yet again for an award.  She went on to say how much her son deserved the specific award (apparently the most vaunted one) & that this coach was very short-sighted for not seeing what a brilliant player Johnny was & how pissed off she was that he wasn't recognized, even for something small like, "great job this season," publicly. How dare Coach___ for not seeing this.  She went on to say that Johnny will never be coached again by this man.  OMG!!  This woman probably didn't read this out loud or to her husband before she pressed the send button & maybe she didn't want to, but if this is her typical behavior where Johnny is concerned, I fear for his future.  No wonder Gen Yers are so difficult to work with--they expect to be praised for everything they do, including farting well.  And now they are passing this trait onto their children. I'm sure that this mom doesn't realize what she is doing to her boy--by expecting to receive praise at every turn in his life, Johnny will not understand the harsh reality of the future that "Life Really Isn't Fair" sometimes. Ah, the wonders of Helicopter Parents.  Hovering so close so as to make sure that Johnny never gets hurt, disappointed, embarrassed, or ever feel sad. ever.

But I have to say that with the onset of Helicopter parenting there is a positive.  Believe it or not.  When I was a child parents really never considered the kids' feelings about big lifetime changes like divorce.  Parents just did what they wanted--move in with a new guy?  Ok. Never mind that he was an alcoholic, or hated kids, if mom wanted to live with him, so be it.  Thankfully, that seems to have come to an end (at least in my circles)--I know that when I was thinking about divorce I very carefully considered my kid's feelings.  And when I started dating again?  You best believe that he didn't meet the guy until it was fairly serious.  And if my son didn't like Xing Fu?  Probably a deal-breaker (Glad I don't need to even think about that--they have a great relationship).  I think a lot of this parent concern has come from the over-protective trend--sorta the plus side of it--twisted, but it is a positive outcome. 


Yup, this parent behavior just makes me cringe--especially around the holidays--so my statement to this woman?  Lady, you are doing your kid a huge disservice.  Teach him that when you are successful at your job as an adult, you usually get recognized by the boss by giving you more work.  There are no gold stars for farting in the real world.

The Slings and Arrows

Wow.  I feel beaten up.  The other day I was reading a little blurb somewhere on the 'net about divorce.  I think it was a statement like, "Remember to take care of your spouse & help them to remember to take care of you.  I lost sight of that early on in my marriage."  That statement is full of regret & loss & it makes me think as I often look at some aspect of divorce (prolly because I am divorced), & reflect back on my own & wonder, still, to this day, whether I should have worked harder to make the marriage last.  (I invariably come to the conclusion that no, I most definitely did the right thing by divorcing my ex.)  But as I reviewed this idea I was really struck--Does having children cause divorce or increase the likelihood of beginning the process of divorce? And, as I've looked around the WWW, it seems that there is a definite correlation. 

You know, there are so many studies out there about the effects of divorce on the kiddos but it's kinda a new thought about the kids' effect on the marriage... Many researchers attribute the trend of unhappy marriages after children to the type of society we've become--the need instant gratification & if we can't make it work we get out without trying to put the real effort into the relationship.  Committed relationships take WORK!!  Or, women don't need to be married anymore--roles have changed & women can very easily take care of themselves without benefit of a man, or marriage expectations have changed as people are waiting to find their one true love.  (I certainly can relate to that).  In fact, people are entering into marriage with the expectation that this man or woman will be their everything: lover, confidante, BFF, exercise partner, etc., etc.  So, with all that energy being put into the relationship with that one soul mate & all of a sudden a new critter is bawling its eyes out wanting its diaper changed, it's no wonder that that kind of relationship gets a little fragmented especially if one or both parents really wasn't ready to be a parent in the first place.  See this great article by Vicki Glembocki in Philly Mag:

http://www.phillymag.com/arts_events/articles/do_kids_cause_divorce/

And, according to the research, marital satisfaction drops a whopping 70% after the kids are born!  YIKES!  But I believe it & we change after the kids are born (at least some of us do...).  I had to grow up & actually become responsible--go figure!  Dr. Mark Goulston asked his couples therapy clients what they were like before marriage & here was the response: "most will say that it was happier. They were more carefree, playful, happy and most importantly and poignantly they remember putting a smile on each others' face.  Very quickly they will catch themselves and say something like: 'Now don't get me wrong, we love our children, but we did get along better before we had kids.'" Reference: http://www.divorce360.com/divorce-articles/causes-of-divorce/general/getting-through-to-anybody-can-children-cause-divorce.aspx?artid=1353

Now don't go thinking that children cause divorce--I think what studies have shown is that if the marriage is a little rocky to start, adding kids may send it over the edge--or if the couple doesn't take stock of the situation early enough & seek to fix it then perhaps that relationship may not last.

So what do I take from this?  Because, am I a hypocrite spouting this nonsense after the fact, as both Xing Fu & I have played the divorce dance?  No, I am learning from my mistakes.  Being in a LTR & planning for the long haul I will re-state what brought me to write this post in the first place: Take care of your SO, and he/she will take care of you.  Don't lose sight of this connection when the slings & arrows of life muddy the waters so much that you forget why you were together in the first place.  Love each other.

Relationship Trends 2011

So this time last year I wrote about trending break up days--apparently December 3rd-6th are big ones for those non-committers out there.  You know who you are--too cheap to buy a present which reads "LTR" all over it, too shallow too handle the parties where you have to introduce this person as your "girlfriend" or "boyfriend".  Yup, been there, done that.  So hurry up--if it's gonna happen, now's the week to do it!


I read a little meme on on MSN-glo about the relationship trends of 2011 by Natasha Burton.  See here:
http://glo.msn.com/relationships/relationship-trends-from-2011-7643.gallery

In particular I was reading that the trend for marriages is way down for the first time in America.  People are either waiting longer to wed or just deciding that marriage just isn't in the cards for them.  According to the glo article: "...the formality of marriage appears to be taking a backseat to simply creating a happy, stable relationship."  Interesting for me to read as a lot of people ask me whether or not Xing Fu & I will tie that knot.  Well, I think both of us would say, "Been there, done that" & that we follow the trend of "creating that happy, stable relationship."  

Further findings have been the effects of fatherhood.  In fact scientists have found this year how much becoming a father does change the man.  Funny, when my ex & I had my kid, I really didn't see too much change--he was just as irresponsible as he was before kid.  One of the qualities that draws me to Xing Fu is his responsibility to his children & just how great a father he is.  


The other interesting "trends" are lower divorce rates but increased use of cheating sites like AshleyMadison--so because of the economic downturn more folk are staying together but then more folk are looking for satisfaction outside of their marriages to compensate for their lack of marital bliss.  I get it, in fact one of my old "beaus" has in fact decided that he can't afford to divorce & he & his wife are co-habitating.  And perhaps all of these unhappily marrieds are sexting their hook-ups--yes, another trend that has seen an uptick.


As 2011 moves into the history books remember the last trend: that if you missed getting married on 11-11-11, you can become the new trend for 12-12-12.

Warts & All

I was reading a Cracked.com (go figure) article about the "4 Kinds of People (And What You Can Learn From Them) by Gladstone & was struck by a saying that he says has been out there for a while.  I must be naive 'cuz I've never heard this before: 

There are four kinds of people in this world:

people who like you for the wrong reasons;

people who like you for the right reasons;

people who dislike you for the wrong reasons; and

people who dislike you for the right reasons.

And it's only the last group you need to worry about.

Read more: The 4 Kinds of People (And What You Can Learn From Them) | Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-4-kinds-people-and-what-you-can-learn-from-them/#ixzz1didYcYts

Ok, I'll buy that & it is the last group that I do worry about to be sure, because it's all about doing better in life & working on your faults. But I'm also reading a book by Alisa Bowman entitled Project: Happily Ever After  which examines her road to fixing her marriage & how we all can do better with our SOs, hubbies, BFs, etc., & came across a point about allowing those we love to really know us.  She found the following statement from The Seven Levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly:

"We are afraid that if people really

knew us they wouldn't love us...

And although we are afraid to reveal

ourselves because of the possibility of

rejection, it is only by revealing our-

selves that we will ever open the possi-

bility of truly being loved."

That statement is huge--the trust involved in allowing that level of intimacy can be exceedingly difficult to achieve--especially if you've been burned before--as we all have, but in particular having gone through a separation & a divorce.  The sense of thinking that you've allowed someone to know you & perhaps rejecting them or their rejection of you & then allowing someone in that close again is scary.  It takes a lot to allow the one person you hold closest (besides your children) to see what you often hide from yourself & allow them access.  It's saying "Here are the reasons that some folk don't like me, but because I trust you & hope that you'll help me to become a better person, I'm going to allow you access to my ugly."  And hope that they still love you & want to be with you.  It's hard to do & doing it makes one vulnerable--but I think one of the ultimate gestures of love is opening yourself up to do just that.  Because one of the reasons I chose you to become so close to me is that I believe that you will help me to overcome the bad qualities & become a better person.

The Loyalty Question

As always a busy weekend.  And believe it or not, I wasn't sailing....in fact, for the first time I missed the Miles River Race & of course the weather, wind,etc., was perfect...sigh.  Regardless, I had a good weekend with Xing Fu, his mom, his kids, & my kid.  And, it was my BFF(J)'s annual Day Before Memorial Day party & I was able to see a bunch of friends that I don't see all that often these days--so a good time despite not racing--there will be many more Miles races I'm sure....but to the point of the post:

I have been reading a bunch of "divorced with children & blending families" books these days & for the most part they are all full of dire predictions of hardship--jealousies, loyalty issues, & just down-right meanness. This weekend could have been a disaster because of all of those kinds of things--we had a lot of activities planned for all of us--Saturday we went strawberry picking at Larriland Farm http://www.pickyourown.com/ --great fun & the strawberries to die for--there is nothing like picking a ripe, juicy strawberry off the plant, warmed in the sun, & popping it in your mouth--amazing.  We gathered a ton of them--good thing we had a party to go to--great dessert.  I am also planning to make a couple strawberry-rhubarb pies--Xing Fu's kids' request so it appears that they will not go to waste. But I digress--the different activities--after strawberries I took two of Xing Fu's kids & my own to my kid's soccer game.  Here was an opportunity again for boredom, disaster, any number of things but it went very well--despite my kid's team getting trounced.  Dinner with all of us also pitfalls & then the big party on Sunday.   

Throughout all of this I kept thinking about the Loyalty question.  What's that?  Well, in ALL of the books there is always a section about the children's loyalty to their mother.  They don't want to like the "step" mom so they are undermining, manipulative & sometimes mean.  Especially if they do like the stepmom.  And according to Xing Fu, his kids really do like me--a lot.  So here I am waiting for the other shoe to drop & it hasn't.  Which is great!  I hope it never happens because I am very fond of them too.

Book Club

As I am often waiting for my kid at certain times: guitar lesson, math tutoring, soccer games, etc., I have been reading books.  I am a vociferous reader but don't always have large blocks of time anymore to enjoy a good book.  So those little snippets of time have been nice & now, as the weather gets warmer, & the sunlight is longer, it will be especially wonderful to get outside & read.  But this really isn't a post about my enjoying a good book, it's really about how these books have called to me recently in some of the passages--how they are so appropriate in parallel to parts of my own life.  Right now I am reading a book entitled Between Here and April by Deborah Copaken Kogan. I was struck by the following truth found in this passage:

"Marriage is the one institution I know that doesn't require preparation for matriculation. There are no essays asking us to predict the number of children we will have, if any, and who will take them to the hospital if they bleed.  There are no multiple-choice tests forcing us to envisage how our financial partnership might look, or late-night field trips to love's inner sanctums (which from syntax alone--master bedroom--reveals a lot) to witness sexual politics in action.  There are no textbooks offering tips on what to do when the baby is sick, the sitter's on vacation, and both spouses are on deadline; no four-page syllabi containing his-and-her primary source material.

 In fact, the only primary source material we're given comes from the most unreliable of sources possible: our own parents.  No wonder half of us flunk out."

On first glance I guess it looks a bit depressing, but I think it just points out that keeping a relationship positive & moving in the right direction takes work.  That we need to be aware of the pitfalls & try to remember why we fell in love in the first place. And the fervent wish that there was a manual to make it work.  And perhaps the recognition that it can work & be wonderful--even if it takes another attempt, or two, or three...  *I always add the caveat that it needn't be a marriage--any LTR or relationship for that matter counts here.  

Anyway, the book has far more to it than the main character's marriage--there's a bit of a murder mystery as well & an exploration of postpartum depression & pms before such things existed--women's health issues.  It is a good book thus far.

http://www.amazon.com/Between-April-Deborah-Copaken-Kogan/dp/1565125622


"Life's full of irony, bubelah.  Haven't you learned that by now?"

deep down true

"I did good," Morgan said, "up till the vows.  Up till the  'death do us part' part.  And I thought, 'He said this same thing to Mom, and he didn't mean it.  How come anyone believes him now?'"

   "He did mean it."

   "Yeah, right," she snorted.  "And look where that got us."

   "Morgan, I'm not going to start defending your father," Dana said quietly. "But I was there 15 years ago when he said it the first time, and I know he meant it.  He had every intention, and so did I.  But sometimes the best of intentions just don't work out.  A lot of times they do, but sometimes they don't."

From deep down true by Juliette Fay

Just finished reading this book & I was quite taken by the above excerpt.  It made me think about when my own folks got divorced. One minute we were this intact family & the next minute, that was blown to bits.  It was pretty tough especially when both my parents were with different people & not each other--children have a hard time with having to give up the idea that their parents won't be "happily ever after."  So when I read this--I was transported back to the day when my dad got remarried & how hard that was for me.  I'm on the other side of that now & I guess I'd kinda forgotten what that was like.  And even though my kid has had a few years to adjust to the idea of mom & dad not together (and thankfully he wasn't at my ex's wedding), I know that it was hard for him to accept someone not his mom at times & not his dad with me.  So why am I talking about all of this?  Well, recently I've been writing about how Xing Fu & I are blending our families together more & more and how well it's been going.  And it has.  I spent Friday evening with him & his kids (my own kid was at his best friend's house) and we had a very nice evening.  

But I guess my message here is to our kids:  I know what it's like to all of a sudden see your parents kiss another person who is not your mom or dad, even if you rarely or ever saw your parents kiss in the first place (extreme unhappiness in a marriage tends to kill those things & kids don't necessarily see the whole picture).  I remember thinking similar thoughts about my dad like the excerpt above.  And the mom's response from the story above is very true--sometimes it is happily ever after & when moms & dads say it the first time they really do mean it.  I know I had the best of intentions when my ex & I first said "I do."  I fought to hold on to our marriage tooth & nail because I didn't want to end up like my parents--but I couldn't anymore & still be me--I hated who I was in my marriage & I knew that I couldn't be in it anymore.  I think if you asked my son if he wishes his mom & dad were back together his initial response would be yes, because everyone wants their parents together.  But very quickly after he thought a minute he'd probably say "No Way!" And then proceed to tell how much easier it is to live with one very happy parent then two who appear to hate each other & never spoke a positive or happy word to each other in his presence anyway--what kind of modeling for positive adult relationships is that?  Now what he sees are two adults who obviously care very deeply for & are very happy with one another--and that's the kind of relationship I want him to model when he gets married.  So yeah, I do have some regret & now it's very fleeting, but I think that the choice I made was definitely for the best, even if at first it is harder on the kids.  Deep down true.*

*Here's a link if you want to buy the book--I highly recommend it:
http://www.amazon.com/Deep-Down-True-Juliette-Fay/dp/014311851X

Blending & Bending

Other choices have been whirling around recently as well--more like frustrations in some ways.  Xing Fu & I have been working to, to use the vernacular, "blend" our families more.  There are choices on how to go about doing it.  It has been a very slow process  (he'd say that it has been timed just right).  I guess my kid is better able to adjust--perhaps because he's had more years since my divorce or because his father pretty much just shoved his new family in his face without even attempting to blend gradually.  Either way, he's been in a good place regarding Xing Fu's presence in our home & lives for the past year.  I know that in the case of my own parents' divorces & subsequent remarriages, they did it all wrong. All of a sudden, there were these new people--no discussion, no gradual coming to terms--they were just there--it totally sucked & both Xing Fu & I are determined that will not happen in our situation & it really hasn't.  Good. 

Anyway, we are certainly moving forward but I sometimes think his choices of pacing things stagnates a bit.  Generally what we've done thus far has gone very well--but our opportunities bringing our separate families together have been more like events & not the normal comings & goings of life.  What I'd like to see is less of that black & white degree of separation & more of shades of gray.  Activities together for sure but what about the quiet evening at home just chilling?  If he has his kids that weekend, if there's nothing specific going on, why not spend a quiet evening together?  Some of the kids may be around & others may be out with friends--the normal flow of a weekend.  Currently, as I am the sole parent for my son, my ex being in another state, the ebb & flow of our weekend when Xing Fu does not have his kids is just like that at my house.  My son may be home, may be at a friend's house or the friend may be here while Xing Fu is with me.  Nothing special, no event.  I guess that I feel a bit isolated from him when he has the kids & would like us (my son & I ) to be more involved in some ways. 

"Also, as the biological parent, recognize that you have a bond with your child that your partner does not share. This can leave him or her feeling isolated. Be sensitive to this and try to include your partner in daily routines as much as possible. Be sure to find activities that you all enjoy doing together."  

This is an excerpt from an article from the University of Florida entitled Couples Considering a Blended Family by Kate Fogarty, Millie Ferrer, and Sara McCrea.

Kinda where I am right now--I don't want to spend an ENTIRE WEEKEND smooshed together...just a portion...I want to normalize something that has been anything but normal for about a year now--slowly, absolutely, but not stagnated.

Continued Fall-Out 6 Years Later

Even 6 years later my divorce continues to impact me & my son.  It is unfortunate that relationships still seem to be driven by old ghosts of the past.  So much so that an innocent misunderstanding becomes an ugly argument.  My son was picked up by his grandfather & his father to go to some kind of show with his aunt.  That was great since he hasn't seen any of them since his Bar Mitzvah in early June.  Even more pressing is the fact that his grandfather is in the process of moving away so that the only link to that side of the family that lives near-by is his aunt.  Incidentally, his father has been in town for most, if not all of the summer & has made very little effort to see his son.  So I have been most anxious for him to have any time with any of them.  

It seemed like a good plan.  They would go do their thing & then have him home by 10 PM.  (Usually it wouldn't be an issue for my son to stay out later on the weekends but he had made plans with a school friend to go to Kings Dominion very early & needed to get some sleep).  Around 9:45 I get a text from my child stating that he'd be home around 11.  I respond telling him that wasn't very good planning as he has a very early morning.  About an hour later he texts that it will be after midnight, at which point I become very concerned as no adult has yet to communicate with me about the fact that I was expecting him home by 10 & that he really needs to get sleep.  Since I have no idea what he's doing or where he is, I call his cell.  His aunt picks up & proceeds to tear me a new one about how I was constantly texting (um, twice???) & interrupting & how that's just like me to be upset that he's with them.  Now wait a HUGE minute!!  I could care less if he's with them--in fact I want him to be with them.  What I'm upset about is that no one bothered to call to say that the show (I found out what it was at that point) was way longer than what I was told.  If I knew ahead of time that he'd be later I would not have allowed him to accept the invitation to go to Kings Dominion.  This is as a parent concerned for their child not because of who he's with.  All this is lost on his aunt of course who is ranting about how typical this is of me, etc., etc.  I interrupt her & say that I was happy that he was with them & that frankly I didn't believe that there'd be a next time (because she is conspicuously absent from his life, as is his father, & now seemingly his grandfather) so I doubted that an event like this would happen again.  That was the absolute wrong thing to say as she quickly misinterpreted my meaning as a threat. She said, "Are you threatening to block access to my nephew?  How dare you!!"  At this point I'm blown away that she even had the nerve to say "How dare you!", as she rarely, if ever, tries to make arrangements to do anything with her nephew.  So I explain what I meant by the statement that I didn't think there'd be a next time.  I said that I was quite surprised that anyone was doing anything with my son since she, or anyone else for that matter, doesn't bother to try to see him (she wasn't even at his Bar Mitzvah), call him, or attempt to have a meaningful relationship with him.  (Obviously I am quite upset at this point as she has been acting as quite the affronted one & my intent was purely concern for my son getting home at a decent hour) So I let her know how very disappointed I am in the entire lot of them & in particular her, as I have encouraged her to visit, make arrangements, call, etc., to ensure that he has ongoing connections with that side of the family.  Her mother & I worked hard to do that & she knew how generous I was with them when she was still alive.  She admits that she's dropped the ball & said that her mother was the one who made all the plans.  OK, that's all well & good, but her mother is gone & someone needs to step up or my son will not have a relationship with any of them.  And talking to me is the first way to continue that (even if they hate me & think I'm a witch--this of course based on my ex's views only & certainly not on the fact that I've made sure that my son has visited them as much as possible when his father was all but absent from his life--go figure!) That has all been pretty much lost & since no one from his grandfather to his father feels that they need to communicate plans with me, & instead make all their plans with my 13 yo son--hence where the problem lies.  If they'd called me to tell me specifically when the show would probably end, I'd not allowed my son to go to the amusement park the next day.  But since I heard the details from a child, well, need I say more?  So of course the one who suffers the most here is my son--who would love to see his granddad & aunt but does not because no one wants to take responsibility as adults to make the time.  I hope that this little incident lights a fire under his aunt--but I'm not holding my breath.

It's The Little Things

Just say yes, 'cause I'm aching and I know you are too
For the touch of your warm skin
As I breathe you in

I can feel your heartbeat through my shirt
This was all I wanted, all I want
Its all I want
Just Say Yes--Snow Patrol




Last night I told Xing Fu that I thought my blog had lost a bit of readership...my thinking is that people desire a bit of schadenfreude here.  It's sad, but folk wanna hear about troubles in paradise & there aren't any, really.  I guess the only nasty would be the stuff he's going through (divorce) & how it spills over into us, but he does a great job of not making it a focal point.  Very important to keep that away from the center of our relationship--and we do, no matter how issues try to get in the way--I think the important part of this is the fact that we talk--about everything.  And we're 100% open about them as well.  Xing Fu said I should make up an issue to post to up my readership--something to titillate the masses...ha!  But frankly I like it this way.  It is easy.  I said that last night--we have had a few bumps in the road but as I said, we talk about them--the outcome of all of this is that it is easy to be with him--just like it is easy to be with my best friends--I don't have to be on eggshells, I can tell him anything & everything..we make each other smile--I catch him smiling at me quite a lot...it's the little things. 

Like dropping by my TKD school to watch me spar, calling me in the middle of the day to say hello.  Having a bet about the NCAA brackets--I'm losing so far.  Putting Spoon on the stereo because we're going to see them in concert very soon, even when it's March Madness.  Those are only a few of them--I think it has to do with attentiveness.  He is good to me & everyone says I'm glowing...still.  And I don't care if my readership is down!

It Must Be In The Air

I am thinking it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images and
When we kiss they're perfectly aligned

And I have to speculate
That God himself did make us into Corresponding shapes like puzzles pieces From the clay
True, it may seem like a stretch
But it's thoughts like this
That catch my troubled head
When you're away, when I am missing you to death
--Iron & Wine Such Great Heights

Feeling a bit melancholic recently & looking around the blogosphere it appears others are as well...go figure.

Anyhow, I posted this song for a couple of reasons:

About the time that my ex-husband & I separated the movie Garden State came out--one of my favorites. Even though I was suffering a major loss in my life & a failed marriage, I loved the picture this song painted, and paints. It gave me hope that I could find a love where I felt that close to someone that we reflect each other. I still feel that way. The kind where you're of a like-mind, or you finish each other's thoughts...I saw a show a couple of days ago on MPT called This Emotional Life. One segment focused on long-term relationships. One thing said that struck me was about how successful couples do things together--share interests, & participate in uncommon activities together--biking tour or skydiving, whatever. My folks are like that--they've been together for 30+ years. And actually theirs is a second marriage. My dad is really my stepfather but he really is my dad so I call him that. But that's not my point--what it is is that it gives me hope--that I'll find my "corresponding puzzle piece".

Stuck-Up in Illinois

According to my son's new stepmonster, he is stuck-up. She said it to his 11 year old face. Now anyone who knows my son in any way cannot say that he's stuck up. Stuck up & my guy are a juxtaposition. She got mad at my ex-husband because he was paying too much attention to my son & not paying enough attention to her & her boy. One needs to understand that this was the first visit my son has had at his father's new place in Illinois since he moved there in September of 2007. You'd think she'd want my ex to pay attention to our son. But this merely points out that this woman is 1) very insecure, 2)silly, & 3)rather stupid because all she'll do is alienate my son from his dad even more. Oh well. This is just one part of the "weekend visitation" that my son had to endure.

The story:
As a family we all went to visit my sister & her family in Chicago for Passover. Part of that visit was that my son would go to his dad in a drab town about an hour & a half outside of Chicago. Passover was awesome--my brother-in-law outdid himself putting on an amazing seder for all of us & friends of theirs. He is a bit of a foodie as am I, so it was fun seeing all the amazing places he & my sis have gone to eat in Chicago & experiencing his own great cooking. It was good to be together & for the most part everyone behaved themselves--we all know how families get. I was able to spend very necessary time with my sister alone--even trying to teach her how to drive stick on her porsche. We always have such a great time together & we rarely get to see one another. Luckily, no princess room in sight, for me at least. Her daughter has a great princess room though--the addition of the gauze butterflies brought back some Florida rooms I know....

Anyhow, my son gets picked up at my sister's house on Friday. The fun begins: my ex looks horrible--I've described him before but now it was just...well...grotesque. When I was married to him he did not look like this cuz I'd never want to be around something like that. He & his new wife had driven up with the babies: a boy a year & a half & a girl just a few months old. Now this is a man living off the dole & he's squeezing out new babies like no tomorrow. They arrive in a Dodge Durango that reeks of cigarette smoke--my ex doesn't smoke as far as I know--more on this later. But even worse is that my son has to cram in between two clunky car seats with two screaming babies for the hour & a half trip back to Bumblefuck, Illinois. Barf!!

On Sunday my son is dropped off: He walks up to the porch & the cigarette smell rolls off of him in waves. I almost gag. He tells me that his step-grandfather smokes 4 packs a day & plays videos all day long. That is a huge health hazard--my son said he had severe headaches the entire time he was there. My sister & I shove him in the shower, dump all of his clothes--clean & otherwise into the washer & fumigate his coat, shoes & bags with Febreze. I got a headache just being near all his stuff. Not to mention the poor little babies--I may not like my ex or his simpleton of a wife, but those poor babies don't have a chance in hell not to develop asthma or other major health issues. My son begins to describe the squalor that my ex has now sunk to. Question as to whether or not there's adequate working sinks, cleanliness is definitely not a priority, & most folk there in this small house with 8 people & then the addition of my son do not work--only the brother of the stepmonster does apparently. You are getting the picture that just makes me shiver with aversion. Again, those poor babies. All I have to say about my ex is: I may have had to pay off a shitload of his debt, endure his lawsuit to change visitation & have to attend a "Special Issues in Parenting" Class, & deal with my poor son having to accept that his dad has moved away. But I have to say that ultimately I've gotten the much better end of the bargain here. I have a wonderful son who is most definitely NOT stuck-up but one of the most empathetic & kind boys I know with amazing talents--that no one in Bumblefuck, Illinois could even conceivably understand. I have a great house, albeit small. I've got a good job & my health (although I am feeling kind of sick at the moment). I have amazing friends who love me no matter what & a family that despite itself is there for me & my son. My ex doesn't really know my son & hasn't really participated in raising him for quite some time--he is missing out on raising this wonderful kid. I have self-respect & know that I am not relying on public tax money to support me. After all of this--my last comment is: Ain't Karma a bitch?