Will You Cheat?

I came across this infographic about cheating. Very interesting. Especially the large testicles. Question: How many women are now going to inspect their man's testes??? Answer: All of the women who live in DC! *SNORT*

 

Maturity

Recently, I've had a lot of time to think--simply because it's the summer, my kid's been in Israel for a month, & I only work 2 days a week.  There just ain't a lot to do--especially while swimming laps at the pool--thinking just creeps in, ya' know?  Anyhow, I digress & I haven't even started.  But I've been thinking about all of my past relationships & how they compare to my current one.  I hate to say it but I think this one is my first really mature relationship.  Here I am, 46 years old & up until this point I've been floundering in a morass of immature, often, destructive relationships...sigh. I've been thinking about this because of some of the folks around me & their current situations.  Comparisons abound & when I look at what these people are going through, I wince because at some point that was me & like them, I never recognized the toxicity of the relationship.  And now, observing my current situation, & no it ain't perfect by any stretch, but I can definitely say that it is mature.  Can you step back & look at what is going on? Signs that your romantic relationship is immature:

1. You keep breaking up & then reuniting.  This could be due to the fact that your guy keeps cheating on you or asks for space or isn't able to discuss anything that causes issues in the relationship....

2. You argue constantly.  OK, everyone has disagreements & sometimes they get a bit heated, but is it everyday?  Are you able to even discuss a problem with respect & without disintegrating into name-calling? You get my point--conflict happens, but how you deal with the process is what's telling.

3. You feel disconnected.  Emotionally, physically, proximity--as in he's never available by phone, email, or even for a date....and when you bring it up, he gets defensive and/or secretive.  You're sick, you need a ride to the doctor, your car broke down & you need a ride to the mechanic but he can't help--evah. A man who is emotionally unavailable is very immature about your relationship--if he's unwilling to talk about what bothers you...ever, run, don't walk to the nearest exit!  

4. You are always suspicious.  What is he doing? With whom? Why didn't he text, call, email?  Why didn't he tell me he loves me?  Why didn't he take me out? Why haven't I met his friends, family yet & we've been together ____ months? Get it?

5. You feel like it's just game-playing.  See all of the above--this is player behavior!

6. You haven't developed a real friendship.  A mature relationship is based on an underlying friendship that grows deeper over time. Sex & attraction is important, but do you enjoy each other as companions?  'nuff said!

7. You don't show affection.  This could be in public--I'm not saying an all-out make-out session a la middle school--I'm just saying hand holding, a kiss in the parking lot of the Giant, or a shoulder rub as you sit at Merriweather watching a concert.  That kind of thing.  A mature guy is not afraid of a little PDA.  

8. You never look beyond the current interaction.  In other words, you have no future plans--for another date if it is a relatively new relationship, or for a trip somewhere together, if you've been with this person for a while.  Or even, you don't see him, or you, intertwining your futures--

9. You are supplementing them. If you are giving money, "therapy", a place to live, etc., and not getting anything in return.  Yes, couples need to be there for each other but not provide a place to live without a prior agreement of living together, and/or giving money to that person because they're short every month, or providing "therapy" instead of support emotionally.  This is over-the-top. Mature relationships do not have this kind of one-sidedness.  It is very shared.  Yes, emergencies do come up but it not quite such a land-slide in one direction.

10. You believe that it will get better.  If all of the above circumstances apply to you & your sig other....It won't!  End it!

I'm no therapist myself, but the old adage, "been there, done that" applies.  I'd rather throw in my two cents than to sit idly by & watch the destruction.  Good luck, & I hope I can help even a little bit.  And everyone who wants a good, loving relationship deserves to have one!

Relationship Trends 2011

So this time last year I wrote about trending break up days--apparently December 3rd-6th are big ones for those non-committers out there.  You know who you are--too cheap to buy a present which reads "LTR" all over it, too shallow too handle the parties where you have to introduce this person as your "girlfriend" or "boyfriend".  Yup, been there, done that.  So hurry up--if it's gonna happen, now's the week to do it!


I read a little meme on on MSN-glo about the relationship trends of 2011 by Natasha Burton.  See here:
http://glo.msn.com/relationships/relationship-trends-from-2011-7643.gallery

In particular I was reading that the trend for marriages is way down for the first time in America.  People are either waiting longer to wed or just deciding that marriage just isn't in the cards for them.  According to the glo article: "...the formality of marriage appears to be taking a backseat to simply creating a happy, stable relationship."  Interesting for me to read as a lot of people ask me whether or not Xing Fu & I will tie that knot.  Well, I think both of us would say, "Been there, done that" & that we follow the trend of "creating that happy, stable relationship."  

Further findings have been the effects of fatherhood.  In fact scientists have found this year how much becoming a father does change the man.  Funny, when my ex & I had my kid, I really didn't see too much change--he was just as irresponsible as he was before kid.  One of the qualities that draws me to Xing Fu is his responsibility to his children & just how great a father he is.  


The other interesting "trends" are lower divorce rates but increased use of cheating sites like AshleyMadison--so because of the economic downturn more folk are staying together but then more folk are looking for satisfaction outside of their marriages to compensate for their lack of marital bliss.  I get it, in fact one of my old "beaus" has in fact decided that he can't afford to divorce & he & his wife are co-habitating.  And perhaps all of these unhappily marrieds are sexting their hook-ups--yes, another trend that has seen an uptick.


As 2011 moves into the history books remember the last trend: that if you missed getting married on 11-11-11, you can become the new trend for 12-12-12.