Empty Bed Blues

Now, when my bed gets empty
I get to feelin' kind of mean and blue.
When my bed gets empty,
get to feelin' awful mean and blue.
The springs are gettin' rusty
sleepin' single like I do.
--Bessie Smith   Empty Bed Blues 

After about 5 days straight of being with each other, I now have been experiencing the empty bed blues.  Which sucks.  I wonder sometimes if I have separation anxiety--of course that diagnosis in the DSM IV is reserved for children--there is new research on the adult--I just don't deal well with separation..recollections of last summer for example.   I'm doing fine now--last night just sucked--most probably because I was worried since it was close to 10:30 PM & didn't know if Xing Fu had arrived at his destination OK.  I told him that other folk may not give a shit whether or not he arrived safely but since I cared about him, it would've been preferable to actually let me know.  Is that asking too much??  I don't think so...Intellectually I know that sometimes my feelings can be irrational, but they're there, ready to taunt me.  I think it is tougher at night--hence the EBB, & I know he'll be back, but I'm just uncomfortable is all.  

“What’s empty bed syndrome?” I asked curiously, pretty sure that I knew, but wanting to clarify because Anne was constantly coining new phrases.

“It’s how sometimes all you want is a warm body to cuddle with, especially when you’re used to having one—and when you don’t you really miss it, you know?” she replied.  (from Elle Magazine)

I really miss it. 

But earlier this week we passed another relationship test--we purchased something together for my house--a real sense of permanence--nice.  And New Year's Eve will be spent together--also wonderful.  But I still miss him even if he'll be back tomorrow.

Half Full

Maude: Vice, Virtue.  It's best not to be too moral.  You cheat yourself out of   too much life.  Aim above morality.  If you apply that to life, then you're 
bound to live life more fully.

Harold:  I haven't lived.  I've died a few times.

Maude: A lot of people enjoy being dead.  But they are not dead, really.
They're just backing away from life.  Reach out. Take a chance.
Get hurt even.  But play as well as you can.

From: Harold and Maude, 1971

I have loved Harold & Maude since high school.  The theme of living life with all its roller coasters & not sitting back & watching life just pass you by is very important to me--I reference that idea quite a bit & similarly it is the theme of another one of my favorite movies, Garden State where Andrew Largeman awakes to live his life.  I often thought that before my divorce I lived half empty & was watching my life pass me by--I woke up when I decided that living in my marriage was not me--I didn't like who I was & I knew I needed to become the real me--to find happiness.  I write about this movie because a couple of days ago, I shared it with Xing Fu.  I've also shared Garden State as well.  I have wanted him to see how these movies & themes have motivated me to live my life in a half full mode--even when things look bleak & the roller coaster is at the bottom, I know that there is so much out there to experience--the good & the bad--embrace it all because life is short & you're only given one (unless you believe in reincarnation).  Yeah, I know, hackneyed phrases abound here, but truly, I believe strongly in being in the thick of it.  Anyhow, after a week of being apart, we spent an entire week together--another couple of tests & reaching out for a half full mindset.  

We spent the weekend after a great Arcade Fire & Spoon concert at Merriweather, at my folks' beach house with my family (my kid is home!!)--always a potential for a pitfall.  While kayaking on Saturday, we saw, & possibly hit with our paddles, a 3' wide skate--freaked us a bit as it was just as startled as we were & it flipped away rather frenetically. Very cool.  But I think the highlight of the weekend was when Xing Fu grabbed me as I was helping my mom & stepsister prepare dinner for the masses & began dancing with me around the dining room--spinning around--my mom asked where the music was & I replied that Xing Fu made his own--I liked that my mom experienced our happiness together.  She's certainly heard about it from me, but seeing it first hand was important. 

After leaving the beach on Sunday, we took a detour (my dad's suggestion) to Chestertown for lunch.  We remarked that yet again, we have seen many bodies of water during our various travels.  It was quite beautiful sitting on the deck with my dog at our feet, having a nice lunch & watching the boats-a skipjack was at the marina--the Elsworth built in 1902.  We discussed the rest of the day & I thought that perhaps Xing Fu would suggest that we part ways that evening as we hadn't been apart the entire week, & he did say that he thought that he'd want to go home to his place & spend the evening alone, but instead he didn't want to do that--he'd rather be with me--it was nice to hear that.  We hadn't tired of one another--we just have so much fun together--even the quiet times.  He is very good to me--I say that to him a lot--it is important because I think both of us have hidden ourselves from the pain of past relationships & being able to trust each other & be vulnerable shows that we are building a deep bond.  I'm glad we're there for one another that way.

Fake Camping Enthusiasm

 I wrote about the Screwpile Lighthouse Challenge in my last blog post & I mentioned that I was camping during the days I was down there.  Xing Fu & I decided that to save money it would be a good idea to find a campground & pitch a tent.  Sounded like a great idea to me except for one little thingy....July heat. But we decided that perhaps an addition of electrical & a box fan might help.  The tent was something I'd purchased 10 years ago in the hopes that my ex-husband & I might find some way to work towards saving our marriage--it obviously didn't work because it has been sitting in storage under my house completely unopened.  And it's a great tent--6 person dome with 2 "rooms".  So I found it, dusted it off & now it has a new life.  My mom said to me that I had "fake camping enthusiasm"--meaning that I was too much of a princess & that roughing-it was decidedly not my way of doing things.  She really doesn't know me all that well.  I have camped before--I do like it & I was truly enthusiastic about camping out during Screwpile--sure beats $150 a night at the Holiday Inn for 3 nights.  Plus the bathhouse was very nice--rustic certainly, but clean & serviceable--and if necessary I can really rough it--bucket use has not been ruled out in the past--I am not really such a girly-girl.  Even after sailing all day & then partying later, it wasn't too difficult to come back to the campgrounds & chill.  But this camping adventure had even more meaning to me:  another test.


Xing Fu & I have decided that we don't shrink away from testing the boundaries of our relationship quite often.  It seems to be a trend in fact, starting from the very outset.  Remembering back to the huge snow storm (now that it is a blistering & record-setting 100+ degrees, it seems soooo far away) in February very early on in our relationship, we were stranded together for 3 days.  That was a test--so early--I remember writing about it.  Certainly our recent road trip was yet another test & now here we were camping out for 4 days--could we pitch the tent, & take it down without killing one another?  What about the rain?  We did have a thunderstorm the last night & we had to take down the tent after the rain--certainly more difficult.  As has been with everything we've thrown up to pluck the ties that bind us together, we are both as even-keeled & goal-oriented--therefore no drama.  Xing Fu asked what else are we going to do to test our relationship?  I said mebbe we should give it a rest--but I think we both agree that these "tests" are more adventures & explorations and have brought us closer rather than farther apart.  There has been some discussion about camping this fall in the Shenandoah when the leaves are turning....