Half Full

Maude: Vice, Virtue.  It's best not to be too moral.  You cheat yourself out of   too much life.  Aim above morality.  If you apply that to life, then you're 
bound to live life more fully.

Harold:  I haven't lived.  I've died a few times.

Maude: A lot of people enjoy being dead.  But they are not dead, really.
They're just backing away from life.  Reach out. Take a chance.
Get hurt even.  But play as well as you can.

From: Harold and Maude, 1971

I have loved Harold & Maude since high school.  The theme of living life with all its roller coasters & not sitting back & watching life just pass you by is very important to me--I reference that idea quite a bit & similarly it is the theme of another one of my favorite movies, Garden State where Andrew Largeman awakes to live his life.  I often thought that before my divorce I lived half empty & was watching my life pass me by--I woke up when I decided that living in my marriage was not me--I didn't like who I was & I knew I needed to become the real me--to find happiness.  I write about this movie because a couple of days ago, I shared it with Xing Fu.  I've also shared Garden State as well.  I have wanted him to see how these movies & themes have motivated me to live my life in a half full mode--even when things look bleak & the roller coaster is at the bottom, I know that there is so much out there to experience--the good & the bad--embrace it all because life is short & you're only given one (unless you believe in reincarnation).  Yeah, I know, hackneyed phrases abound here, but truly, I believe strongly in being in the thick of it.  Anyhow, after a week of being apart, we spent an entire week together--another couple of tests & reaching out for a half full mindset.  

We spent the weekend after a great Arcade Fire & Spoon concert at Merriweather, at my folks' beach house with my family (my kid is home!!)--always a potential for a pitfall.  While kayaking on Saturday, we saw, & possibly hit with our paddles, a 3' wide skate--freaked us a bit as it was just as startled as we were & it flipped away rather frenetically. Very cool.  But I think the highlight of the weekend was when Xing Fu grabbed me as I was helping my mom & stepsister prepare dinner for the masses & began dancing with me around the dining room--spinning around--my mom asked where the music was & I replied that Xing Fu made his own--I liked that my mom experienced our happiness together.  She's certainly heard about it from me, but seeing it first hand was important. 

After leaving the beach on Sunday, we took a detour (my dad's suggestion) to Chestertown for lunch.  We remarked that yet again, we have seen many bodies of water during our various travels.  It was quite beautiful sitting on the deck with my dog at our feet, having a nice lunch & watching the boats-a skipjack was at the marina--the Elsworth built in 1902.  We discussed the rest of the day & I thought that perhaps Xing Fu would suggest that we part ways that evening as we hadn't been apart the entire week, & he did say that he thought that he'd want to go home to his place & spend the evening alone, but instead he didn't want to do that--he'd rather be with me--it was nice to hear that.  We hadn't tired of one another--we just have so much fun together--even the quiet times.  He is very good to me--I say that to him a lot--it is important because I think both of us have hidden ourselves from the pain of past relationships & being able to trust each other & be vulnerable shows that we are building a deep bond.  I'm glad we're there for one another that way.