YIKES!!! Adventures in Home Inspection & Other Mishaps

OK, so I've been missing again for about a month. I can only say that I've been horribly busy, stressed, & crazed.  I was warned.  Moving is a bitch.  But in our case when I talk about the peaks & valleys, all I can say is that this has been a super-duper-looper.  Xing Fu commented that I haven't written in a while & my response was, "what exactly could I write about other than the house situation." Actually there is a TON to write about--for example, sailing has begun once again & I'm on a new boat with a new skipper & all new crew--we're the initial team--I'm not subbing in for someone else.  Someone else is subbing in for me....and I've got a new position.  Which I'm hugely happy about because I get to learn even more & become more valuable as crew.  But I digress, another post.  Back to this house thing.  

So settlement on my house is May 15th & the date is drawing near.  I already miss my house!  I sit at my dining room table & look around thinking that it is one of the last times that I'll eat in this dining room or when I pull up in the drive way I think that this is one of the last times I'll park here, etc., etc.  Don't get me wrong, another great adventure is waiting for me around the corner but I'm a nostalgic kinda gal & this house has been mine & has protected me for 11 years--I will miss it.  

While the selling of my house has been relatively straightforward (not trying to jinx myself here)--the house appraised at the right amount, the home inspection went well. The buying of a house has been anything but.  We put an offer in on a house way back in late March when my house sold & well, the sellers didn't like the settlement date & took an offer for LESS money!!  OMG--crazy!  I didn't like my settlement date--I would have preferred early June, but the buyers offered me very close to list & who am I to turn down money because the date isn't quite what I'd envisioned....anyway, we panicked after that because everything we wanted in the area we wanted began to get snatched up faster than we could put in an offer & now I was out of a house & nowhere to go. Problem being the zip code--we needed to be close to schools for our children & close to Xing Fu's children's house.  So we found another house which on the surface looked perfect: 4 bedrooms, 3.5 baths, clean & vacant so settlement date could be the same as the settlement date on my current house.  Until, bom, bom, bom, the home inspection...ACK! Essentially, the house, built 15 years ago, mind you, isn't worth the ground it's built on.  After following the home inspector around the property, I looked at Xing Fu & I knew what he was thinking--he wanted to walk.  And so began our ordeal to get released from our contract.  We sent our list of what we wanted completed or a $20K credit--that's how much was wrong with this place!  And we waited, and waited, & waited for a response.  And during that time we panicked even more because 1) it was now mid-April & my settlement date was fast approaching, 2) we had no other prospects for a house with 4 bedrooms, 3.5 baths in our price range, & 3) these sellers were taking their sweet time in responding.  But we went ahead & expanded our search to include a different zip code.  Low & behold there it was: cheaper, bigger, & much, much nicer.  We decided that three's the charm & went forward in making an offer on the house with the understanding that we'd be released from the money pit. And so, after waiting the entire time for a response the current owners offered us $2500. Seriously? Really? And such ended that contract.  We are purchasing the third house--the home inspection went relatively well (anything's better than the money pit we walked from) & that current owner is fixing everything on our list. My son & I will live for a week with Xing Fu until the settlement on our new house on May 25th.  Woohoo!  Not so fast--onto thee next adventure--packing & moving--for real!

Peaks & Valleys

We have a saying at work regarding our special needs children: "There are peaks & valleys." Often their skills resemble this oft-used phrase.  Currently my situation with my house is quite similar--there are definite peaks & valleys.  On Monday my house went under contract less than a week after I listed it--it sold pretty much at asking price too which in this market is huge.  WOOHOO!  Big top of the mountain feeling that day to be sure!  How quickly things can go south--

Xing Fu & I had been looking at houses & found one, that although it was a bit beat up, really suited our needs nicely.  It had been sitting for quite some time so we thought that we could look at a couple more houses before throwing our towel into the ring on that one.  Wrong thing to do--we should've made the offer on Monday when mine went under contract because while we were deliberating someone else made an offer too.  So the sellers had two offers to consider.  We had the better & stronger offer but not the better closing date.  Since I have to close so soon, on May 15th, because my buyers need to take possession before one of them is deployed, we lost the other house. So now we're back to square one & my son & I will be homeless as of May 15th.  I think that is the scariest thought. As a result, Xing Fu, & I went with our realtor yesterday to look again--and there ain't much out there & what is out there in our price range & what we need in a house, is getting snapped up in an alarming rate.  And we've had to lower our expectations--the stress of this situation is the valley...I just hope that it doesn't go any deeper. 

I've always heard said that moving is a huge stress on even the best of relationships--I'm beginning to understand why.  I have spent hours sobbing, next minute excited, the next sobbing again.  I wear my emotions on my sleeve & I'm exhausted.  And the stress is causing me not to sleep very well--woke up early this morning & felt like there was an open abyss that I was just about to tumble into--I haven't felt that kind of nightmare in a very long time--I hope I grab on to something or something catches me before I fall forever...I don't know how Xing Fu does it.  My realtor said that he's like a duck--calm demeanor as he glides through the water on top with his webbed feet paddling furiously underneath.  I must agree--I'm the ungainly puffin who struggles to keep up.  Hopefully all this will work itself out & I too can glide through the water.

The Next Phase

So my house was listed on Thursday last week & after an open house yesterday I've received two offers.  I'm bewildered & certainly ecstatic but now I'm also in a panic. I really didn't think that the house would sell that quickly (I know it's not a done deal but it really could be by later this week) & that we'd have more time to look for houses.  We were planning to look this upcoming weekend but now we're in high gear--later this evening, possibly Wednesday & then the weekend--if one of the offers goes under contract then we have to put an offer in too--YIKES!  It is exciting but on so many levels very scary. Here's my list of scary in no particular order: 
1) I've never sold a house before--so I really don't know what to expect. 
2) Packing in such a short amount of time & moving my entire household (granted, a lot is done because of getting the house de-cluttered, etc., but still....)
3) Leaving the only home that my son's really known
4) Buying a house with Xing Fu & moving our families together as well as our households
5) Taking a leap of faith that our relationship really is for the long haul


Gotta believe that it will all work out--wish us luck...

Bittersweet

Finally, finally the house is done.  The photographer came by today & my realtor says that the house looks great & she's not worried at all about selling.  It also helps that a house up the street just went under contract--no direct competition now.  It has been a long journey to get this house ready & as I looked around when the photographer was snapping pictures, I just couldn't believe the transformation. Wow.  But now it is the beginning of another journey--one of people traipsing through my home, poking into closets, & picking apart all the little problems--I just hope that a nice family or a young couple who wants to start a family buys this house & begins to raise their family here like I did mine.  This entire process has been bittersweet--this is really the only home my son knows & it's where I've raised him--with his best friends up the street & around the corner--and mine too.  

It's bittersweet, more sweet than bitter, bitter than sweet
It's a bitter sweet, surrender
It's bittersweet, more sweet than bitter, bitter than sweet,
It's a bitter sweet, surrender
--Big Head Todd & The Monsters


On the other hand, a new & wonderful journey is beginning with a man & his own family that I couldn't have imagined when I started writing this blog.  He is my best friend & it is with him that I want to build my future.  It is exciting & scary all at once.  I've been on my own in this house for 7 years now...making my own decisions, choosing my own decorative touches, art, etc.,--bittersweet.   Now I have to negotiate & compromise--but I want to & that is all the difference.


This weekend was spent with last minute projects around the house--buying rugs, plants, mulch, & a new comforter set for my bed.  Xing Fu & my son planted a rhododendron bush & mulched the flower beds in the front of the house while I went shopping for rugs, etc.  On Sunday we relaxed, watched NCAA basketball--great SLU v. Michigan State game.  Later we watched The Descendents starring George Clooney.   I'd seen it earlier & wanted Xing Fu to see it because it reminded me a lot of his situation in some ways.  In the course of the movie, Clooney's character rebuilds his relationships with his daughters--one that was quite superficial up until he was forced to become their primary caretaker.  The death of the mother really was secondary to the quality relationships he builds with his daughters.  I wanted Xing Fu to see that through that loss, Clooney creates a much closer, & interactive connections with his girls--much what I see with Xing Fu & his girls.  Good can come from bad.  I hope that he sees that.  It is also bittersweet. 

 

  

That Old Black Hole

I put on my clothes like a body guard
I put the dogs on patrol in my own back yard
I don't wanna fight but I'm constantly ready
And I don't rock the boat, but it's always unsteady

There's an elephant in my head
And I tip toe around it
There are eggshells on the floor
Therefore I never touch the ground

 

It's like that old black hole,
No matter how you try,
You set out each day
Never to arrive

I got my eyes on the prize
But it looks just like a mystery
And it all goes by on the lonesome trail to victory
I'm drawing in the blinds, I got my own four walls
And the show really starts once the curtain falls

Take this thorn from my side
Fix this chip on my shoulder
Time is racing with the clock
And I ain't getting any older

It's like that old black hole,
No matter how you try.

It's like that old black hole,
No matter how you try.

It's like that old black hole,
No matter how you try,
You set out each day
Never to arrive

I put on my finest thread
And I wrap up my body tight
With the sun in my eyes
I step into the night

Like the mystery in the dark
Oh, it's just another kind of light

I don't expect you to believe me
But everything is alright
I don't make rules for a living
I don't do tricks for a dime

I was born on a good day,
Deaf, dumb and blind.
Who am I to tell the truth?
I don't even know what it is.

I don't know how to say it but I know that I can show you.
I don't know how to say it but I know that I can show you.

I tie my boots up tight
And I head straight for bed
There's a pistol and a crystal
Underneath my pillow

There's a tender heart
Inside that ugly armadillo
"These are tears of joy,"
Cried the weeping willow

There's a spirit in the air
And there ain't no way around it
I was not prepared to lose it
On the moment that I found it

It's like that old black hole,
No matter how you try.

It's like that old black hole,
No matter how you try.

It's like that old black hole,
No matter how you try,
You set out each day
Never to arrive

--Dr. Dog


Great concert on Saturday--this song carries a lot of meaning.

"Bonus" Families

Worst case scenario

Not to leave any stone unturned as we merge our lives together, I am going to flip the channel from the house (which is overwhelming & stressful by itself) to our continued quest to "blend" our families.  I don't like the term blended family--I was looking on the internet and I found a few articles about moving in together with step-families.  One article called the families "Bonus" Families.  I like that.  Xing Fu's kids are a bonus--a positive addition to my smallish family--I get to be a stepmom to girls--I don't have girls.  I get an opportunity to be a "mom" to girls in my life--something I didn't think I'd ever experience as I believed that I had a boy & that was that.  And conversely, Xing Fu has the opportunity to be a "dad" to a boy--something he never figured on either.  Definitely a bonus.  


Anyway, what I've been reading has to do with successfully smooshing us into a new family unit when we'll all be under the same roof.  And in particular that same roof should be a new one.  Get a great start.  Instead of moving into his place or her place, find a new home.  This can be neutral territory and a fresh start for all.  This eliminates the problems caused by some of the family feeling eternally like "outsiders," and the "insiders" feeling like their territory is being invaded or encroached on.  The cost and trouble of getting into a neutral home might be substantial, but the benefits may be well worth it.

Check.  Got this covered.  In fact, Xing Fu & I signed our first official document together with the realtor last night.  Cool.  And also as a result of last night's meeting the "For Sale" sign goes up in front of the house on Friday.  Wow, I can't believe it is actually happening--it's one thing to have the contractor here working on the house but it's quite another to actually see the sign out front.

The next piece of advice seems to be not to expect that the process will be easy or happen overnight--I am truly learning that now. Don't expect the process of blending families to be easy.  The process is almost always one of the most challenging, frustrating, and heart-breaking experiences of your life.  Expect to go through phases with highs and lows, mistakes and successes, over a period of four to seven years.  Having your expectations too high might crush your resolve to hang in there when things get really hard. 

It has been pretty hard & it has had ups & downs & when you think things are hunk-dory between all of the family members--think again!  I just hope it doesn't take 7 years--everyone will be in college by then!  

And then there's the concerns about discipline & re-directing the kids:

Discipline your own children -- not your step children.  The older the children, the more important this guideline can be.  Work out and agree on some posted "house rules" to be applied to everyone in the home.  Do this in a family council (after you and your spouse have come to terms on the major issues).  Then make sure that you are the primary enforcer with your children, not with your step-children.  Xing Fu & I are already discussing these things & the house rules advice is HUGE--we recognize that even now.  

I find the next piece of advice also very helpful with regard to how one grows the relationship with their step-children:  Become a friend with your step-children.  Friendship should be your primary role with them -- something like a fun camp-counselor relationship.  Consider winking and smiling at them when they get away with something.  Give up completely on the idea of improving the discipline of your step-children.  It's a war you can never win.  Surrender now.  You can be a back-up and support to your spouse at times, but if you come across as more strict, or more consistent than their parent, you will lose.  If you are determined to be a positive influence the behavior of your step-children, keep it 100% positive.  I think we're getting there as well--it is bumpy at times but I see the progress.  

And finally, something that I know I've talked about before & am a firm believer in: Put your marriage first.  The greatest gift you can give your children is the lasting image and influence of a loving, committed, fun relationship between their parents.  Schedule a weekly date night away from the kids, and make it a priority!  Much of your daily communications will be about problems with the kids, but try to make date time a vacation from family problems -- a time to focus on enjoying each other.  Despite other failings in the family, if the children grow up wanting to have a marriage like yours, you've been a successful parent.  Okay, so we're not married but we are committed to one another & are in this for the long haul, hence buying the house.  And I wholeheartedly agree that modeling positive adult relationships goes a long way to helping children grow up to have their own--respect one another.  Show love. I think we're there.  Now to sell the house & hopefully quickly too.
 
 

Boxing Day

This weekend was all about finishing my house.  The general contractor is getting closer to the finish line & Xing Fu & I took Friday off to spend the weekend getting to my finish line--de-clutter, dump, & purge all of the 11 years of stuff accumulated.  The house looks nothing like it did about a month ago & it really is looking like a house that is ready to be listed for sale--which kinda blows my mind.  The end is in sight--we're on the home stretch & now this house thing feels more like a reality instead of a pipe dream--I think it really hit me when my BFF(A) came down to inspect the changes yesterday.  

We'd gone down into my wine cellar to look at all of my boxes--Xing Fu & I spent a lot of time boxing up all of my wine--well, only about half thus far--12 boxes & about 100 more bottles to go.  As BFF(A) & I looked around the cellar--the wine racks stacked & empty & all of the boxes neatly labelled with what was inside (PN=Pinot Noir, CdR=Cotes de Rhone, e.g.), & she said, "I can't believe that you're going to leave."  It's true--I've lived down the street & her family was one of the first we met in the neighborhood.  Our sons have gone to the same schools together since kindergarten & only pursued their own pathways this year by going to different private schools. We've spent so many summers having impromptu barbeques & crab feasts & driven our kids back & forth to dances.  It is going to be so strange not to be in the same neighborhood anymore. Same kinda feeling for BFF(J) too.  Her hubby remarked that it would be different when we move because our boys won't be 5 minutes from each other anymore--15 minutes to be exact.  Just dropping my son off at their house will take a little more planning now--I truly hope that it will not change things too much. On one hand, I am excited for the future & my life together with Xing Fu but on the other, I'm scared that my friendships (& my son's) with my BFFs will change significantly as well--will wine tasting Saturdays be as easy as they are now when I move?