"Bonus" Families

Worst case scenario

Not to leave any stone unturned as we merge our lives together, I am going to flip the channel from the house (which is overwhelming & stressful by itself) to our continued quest to "blend" our families.  I don't like the term blended family--I was looking on the internet and I found a few articles about moving in together with step-families.  One article called the families "Bonus" Families.  I like that.  Xing Fu's kids are a bonus--a positive addition to my smallish family--I get to be a stepmom to girls--I don't have girls.  I get an opportunity to be a "mom" to girls in my life--something I didn't think I'd ever experience as I believed that I had a boy & that was that.  And conversely, Xing Fu has the opportunity to be a "dad" to a boy--something he never figured on either.  Definitely a bonus.  


Anyway, what I've been reading has to do with successfully smooshing us into a new family unit when we'll all be under the same roof.  And in particular that same roof should be a new one.  Get a great start.  Instead of moving into his place or her place, find a new home.  This can be neutral territory and a fresh start for all.  This eliminates the problems caused by some of the family feeling eternally like "outsiders," and the "insiders" feeling like their territory is being invaded or encroached on.  The cost and trouble of getting into a neutral home might be substantial, but the benefits may be well worth it.

Check.  Got this covered.  In fact, Xing Fu & I signed our first official document together with the realtor last night.  Cool.  And also as a result of last night's meeting the "For Sale" sign goes up in front of the house on Friday.  Wow, I can't believe it is actually happening--it's one thing to have the contractor here working on the house but it's quite another to actually see the sign out front.

The next piece of advice seems to be not to expect that the process will be easy or happen overnight--I am truly learning that now. Don't expect the process of blending families to be easy.  The process is almost always one of the most challenging, frustrating, and heart-breaking experiences of your life.  Expect to go through phases with highs and lows, mistakes and successes, over a period of four to seven years.  Having your expectations too high might crush your resolve to hang in there when things get really hard. 

It has been pretty hard & it has had ups & downs & when you think things are hunk-dory between all of the family members--think again!  I just hope it doesn't take 7 years--everyone will be in college by then!  

And then there's the concerns about discipline & re-directing the kids:

Discipline your own children -- not your step children.  The older the children, the more important this guideline can be.  Work out and agree on some posted "house rules" to be applied to everyone in the home.  Do this in a family council (after you and your spouse have come to terms on the major issues).  Then make sure that you are the primary enforcer with your children, not with your step-children.  Xing Fu & I are already discussing these things & the house rules advice is HUGE--we recognize that even now.  

I find the next piece of advice also very helpful with regard to how one grows the relationship with their step-children:  Become a friend with your step-children.  Friendship should be your primary role with them -- something like a fun camp-counselor relationship.  Consider winking and smiling at them when they get away with something.  Give up completely on the idea of improving the discipline of your step-children.  It's a war you can never win.  Surrender now.  You can be a back-up and support to your spouse at times, but if you come across as more strict, or more consistent than their parent, you will lose.  If you are determined to be a positive influence the behavior of your step-children, keep it 100% positive.  I think we're getting there as well--it is bumpy at times but I see the progress.  

And finally, something that I know I've talked about before & am a firm believer in: Put your marriage first.  The greatest gift you can give your children is the lasting image and influence of a loving, committed, fun relationship between their parents.  Schedule a weekly date night away from the kids, and make it a priority!  Much of your daily communications will be about problems with the kids, but try to make date time a vacation from family problems -- a time to focus on enjoying each other.  Despite other failings in the family, if the children grow up wanting to have a marriage like yours, you've been a successful parent.  Okay, so we're not married but we are committed to one another & are in this for the long haul, hence buying the house.  And I wholeheartedly agree that modeling positive adult relationships goes a long way to helping children grow up to have their own--respect one another.  Show love. I think we're there.  Now to sell the house & hopefully quickly too.
 
 

Treasures & Challenges or Reality Crashes the Party

Escaping the confines of the city was a very good thing--and the best thing was that Xing Fu recognized it as well.  He thanked me for nurturing our relationship. Geocaching figured prominently & it was fun to add another activity that we enjoy together.  In fact, we found a geocoin--pretty cool--we need to find the right cache to place it in around here.  We've included some of our kids & they seem to enjoy it as well--a family activity in the making--bonus!  It will be fun to include them in putting the geocoin in the cache.  We came back rested, & reconnected which is what I wanted.  

Of course the next big hill to climb is right in front--dealing with a very anxious BF is challenging especially when his immediate reaction is to shut me out & not admit how difficult the next hurdle is for him. Patience is key & I am trying to remind him that I'm in his corner. The last lyrics post is for him--when I listen to the song (youtube embedded at the bottom of the blog) I think of what's going on with him right now.  I hope he recognizes that I am there for him & that it is not a weakness to lean on me when he has so much on his plate. When I worked for a company a while back, I used to get so caught up in being the best teacher & behavior manager that I really lost sight of the beauty of teaching & my sense of humor in general.  I essentially took myself waaaay too seriously.  What I said to Xing Fu was that sometimes not taking yourself so seriously is important.  Being wound too tightly as a result can make life difficult needlessly--loosen up & sit back for a second & take a breath.  Remind yourself about the joys & humor in life.  Following my own advice is hard but I try, I try. 

Blending & Bending

Other choices have been whirling around recently as well--more like frustrations in some ways.  Xing Fu & I have been working to, to use the vernacular, "blend" our families more.  There are choices on how to go about doing it.  It has been a very slow process  (he'd say that it has been timed just right).  I guess my kid is better able to adjust--perhaps because he's had more years since my divorce or because his father pretty much just shoved his new family in his face without even attempting to blend gradually.  Either way, he's been in a good place regarding Xing Fu's presence in our home & lives for the past year.  I know that in the case of my own parents' divorces & subsequent remarriages, they did it all wrong. All of a sudden, there were these new people--no discussion, no gradual coming to terms--they were just there--it totally sucked & both Xing Fu & I are determined that will not happen in our situation & it really hasn't.  Good. 

Anyway, we are certainly moving forward but I sometimes think his choices of pacing things stagnates a bit.  Generally what we've done thus far has gone very well--but our opportunities bringing our separate families together have been more like events & not the normal comings & goings of life.  What I'd like to see is less of that black & white degree of separation & more of shades of gray.  Activities together for sure but what about the quiet evening at home just chilling?  If he has his kids that weekend, if there's nothing specific going on, why not spend a quiet evening together?  Some of the kids may be around & others may be out with friends--the normal flow of a weekend.  Currently, as I am the sole parent for my son, my ex being in another state, the ebb & flow of our weekend when Xing Fu does not have his kids is just like that at my house.  My son may be home, may be at a friend's house or the friend may be here while Xing Fu is with me.  Nothing special, no event.  I guess that I feel a bit isolated from him when he has the kids & would like us (my son & I ) to be more involved in some ways. 

"Also, as the biological parent, recognize that you have a bond with your child that your partner does not share. This can leave him or her feeling isolated. Be sensitive to this and try to include your partner in daily routines as much as possible. Be sure to find activities that you all enjoy doing together."  

This is an excerpt from an article from the University of Florida entitled Couples Considering a Blended Family by Kate Fogarty, Millie Ferrer, and Sara McCrea.

Kinda where I am right now--I don't want to spend an ENTIRE WEEKEND smooshed together...just a portion...I want to normalize something that has been anything but normal for about a year now--slowly, absolutely, but not stagnated.

Choices

I am happy to report that all of the struggles to get my child into a private school have come to a positive conclusion.  He has gotten into 3 schools & now the burden is: which one.  Which one will best help him mold his future pathway to college.  Which one will nurture & support him the best--where will he begin to become the adult he will one day be?  Tough questions--of course the best place MUST have a rigorous French program--for a kid who's functionally fluent in a language--it is one of the more important aspects of our choice.  And finally, where did my son feel the most at home--did the other kids tell him how much they loved their school?  Or, as in the case of one that he visited, tell him how much they hated the school & that he should not go there.  My son will tell you that he's already made his choice--I am not so sure.  His opinion is certainly one of the deciding factors as all three schools offer a rigorous college preparatory program that I am satisfied with, but I need to be as sure as I can & so I investigate them all.  Conversations with the French teachers are the first order of business--an honest discussion as to whether or not the school can offer him a challenge in the upper grades.  He is currently taking what is equivalent to French III in high school in the 8th grade.  There's only 2 levels beyond that so where does he go after tenth grade?  And, over all--a well-rounded academic & extra-curricular setting--not just sports, sports, sports, or arts, arts, arts....a mix of both.  And the acceptance that both are important to my child.  He will never be the one always making an assist in the middle of a soccer game or always acting in the middle of a play--he loves both & that is the kind of child I am happy to have--I want that encouraged.  I must say however, that it is nice to have the choice of the three--but it certainly poses its own challenges...

Practice, Practice, Practice

 Been getting ready for Annapolis Race Week--I am quite excited by this three-day race--kinda the culmination of the summer.  We've had two practice sessions & I must say I've learned a ton from them--great that we want to ramp it up a bit competitively.  It was especially cool yesterday when we had Bary from Quantum sails on board to coach us.  Right back to the basics & flying the kite without the pole through several jibes to get a feel for boat movement.  There is nothing like free-flying the kite--such an exhilarating experience & even though I do it most Wednesdays, I really got a feel for it last night.  I am very thankful for the time to learn.  Also great is that Xing Fu is foredeck for this race so we have an opportunity for a weekend race together.  Actually, much like the Screwpile Regatta--a series of races over three days--windward/leeward.  We will have another practice & I hope Bary can join us again--hopefully with a bit more wind.  We opted out of racing last night & it was a wise decision--there was just no wind at sunset--most of the fleet was still bobbing in the dark as we motored by.  The sunset was beautiful & the full moon rising was just as spectacular--glad I was able to share it with Xing Fu as we stood by the mast watching the reflection on the water.

Practice seems to be the theme--been a week of practicing between us as well--as I've said in the past, "learning each other" and sometimes there are growing pains.  Not traumatic or cause for alarm, just negotiations on time & learning each others' needs.  As I said in the last post, we're getting there & sometimes it's a bit harder to unravel it all.  After an unsettling beginning to the week, we seem to have come to some basic understandings & perhaps this phase is passing--at least I'm feeling better--a bit more optimistic. 

Passing to Weather

(In the distance--the big boats of Annapolis Race Week)



This weekend was a wild ride on so many levels. But since the most important of the rides was of course the race I'm gonna talk about that right now.

I didn't catch a ride for Annapolis Race Week but I must say that I certainly didn't miss it! I have learned so much this summer & this particular race was I think where I've learned the most because I had to do it all--from taking the tiller to being on the mast, to flying the kite. There was only the skipper, me & my son to race the boat so being able to observe & learn went right out with the dirty air.

At the beginning of the season I essentially knew nothing about racing aside from my experiences with my grandfather 20 plus years ago sailing non-spin class in a Wednesday night series near Pasadena, MD. He had an Ericson 35 which was a pretty fast boat & we won a lot of races with her. I had been sailing all of my life but felt my skills had stagnated & racing again was a way to get out on the water & learn more about a sport I loved. So stepping out on that J for the first time way back in April was pretty scary--at least I knew a little more than the spinnaker was the really big sail with all the pretty colors--but not too much more.....

This weekend widened the gap considerably--I got to be foredeck & get ready for the spin set, I was on the mast raising & dowsing the sails, & I flew the kite in very light air & a ton of chop from asshole powerboaters & even though this boat is used to winning most of the time, I managed to help us to a 2nd. After all this is quite new to me, and even though I have some guilt over not getting the 1st, but at least as inexperienced as I am, we did get 2nd--I think that says something.....

The race was down in St. Michael's on the Miles which is a beautiful area especially during the sunset & the full moon rising--more on that later. It was very tough--as I said--all the chop & the light air made flying the kite quite challenging. But the best part of the race was at the end--5 or so fast tacks towards the Miles River Yacht Club. We came about 10 feet off of the docks & we could hear the folks on the end, watching saying things like, "they're too close, they won't make it, they're gonna hit us...", & then we tack, narrowly missing--felt like our shrouds could have brushed the pilings....exciting! Try that 5 times in very short duration to the finish....god I love racing!