No One Is Carol Brady Except Carol Brady....And She Had Alice

I gotta say sometimes this blended family thing blows serious chunks!  OK, that being said, I remember reading some advice once about it being good to buy a new house together that way everyone can't claim territorial rights...good in theory but it doesn't take into account that in some ways, Xing Fu & I are kinda like a newly married couple, with all of the angst that comes in the first year of any marriage & subsequent moving in together issues. And yup, the added smooshing of families also adds more angst & the loss of the only house my kid has ever known, and, and, and....well, y'all get the point.  So why can't I be Carol?  The ability to smoothly glide into her step-children's lives (and Tiger's) & become the loving, cheerful, smiling stepmomma that everyone loves.  Maybe it's easier since they were both widowers & didn't have to deal with intrusive exes & confused loyalty issues. I'm sure the exes must have a bit of schadenfreude whenever there is perceived "drama"--the desire to see the house of cards come crashing down on the household & the vicarious, "I told you it wouldn't work.", while giving that little shake of the head & little half smirk of superiority...Well dammit! I ain't Carol & I really don't have Alice to smooth the rough edges. And sometimes, just sometimes I get oh, so tired of playing the part of something I'm not.  Stress fractures appear in the supposed calm mien & I need to "light out for the Territories" as Stephen King or Peter Straub might say in The Talisman. Which is exactly what I did on Sunday.  I disappeared for 6 hours--I couldn't breathe, I felt unwelcome in my own new house where there aren't supposed to be territorial issues, & I didn't want to scare anyone...so I lit out.  My son knew that I needed to get out & wasn't worried (he knows me so well) & I needed to get perspective & get away from a toxic dump.  I just needed to remind myself that "this too will pass" & that things will get better....in about 4-7 years! as the experts on blending families like to point out. And in reality, even though we've been in this house together since late May, it is still very new to all of us. Sometimes being a Brady is just much easier!

In My Corner

I said goodbye to my kid on Sunday for a month--it never fails--I always cry--at least I didn't embarrass him at the airport (this year he flew to Raleigh-Durham then a bus to his camp instead of me or my folks driving him--believe it or not, it was way cheaper!). This is his 5th year so you'd think I'd get with the program by now--so not the case & I think this year may be particularly difficult with all of the changes going on. In the past, the hardest part of the summer was the possibility that my entire support structure would be gone & I'd have some time without work, Xing Fu, my besties on vaycay, & my kid all at the same time which created a feeling like the rug being yanked out from under.  Not a pleasant place to be. As a result, I recognize the need for a certain amount of structure--I need to feel connected in some way--of course this feeling has changed because now that I live with Xing Fu, there isn't really any time where he's not around for an extended period of time, & I work by choice during the summer so the only huge gap in my support system is that my kid is gone for a month. But I'm worried. 

I read a lot about blended families & being a stepmom these days.  In fact, I was pointed in the direction of an older website but a good one: http://www.steptogether.org/  In it I found an article about the stages of development of a blended family.  This is the stage we're in right now--I shared this article with Xing Fu & I think he would agree.  Here's an excerpt by Patricia Papernow:

Early Stages

During the early stages, the family stays divided along biological lines, with most nourishment, agreement on rules and rituals and easy connection happening within the biological subsystem(s).

In the Fantasy Stage, the adults yearn to heal the pain created by divorce or death. Both partners may imagine that because they adore each other, stepparents and stepchildren will also. Stepparents may have fantasies about marrying a nurturing parent, and biological parents may imagine that the new adult will ease the load of single parenting. Children, in contrast, often continue to have a powerful and enduring investment in seeing their parents back together or reclaiming an exclusive relationship with their single parent.

In the Immersion Stage, members of the stepfamily are faced with the reality of their new structure. Stepparents encounter unexpectedly strong and negative feelings, jealousy, resentment, confusion and inadequacy as they are subtly, but consistently, excluded by the spouse and stepchildren. The biological parent is somewhat less uncomfortable, as he has the support and nourishment of the children. The adult has the uneasy feeling that something is amiss, but can't sort out just what it is. Stepparents often conclude, it must be me.

The Awareness Stage sees stepfamilies beginning to put names on painful feelings. A better understanding about the biological parent-child bond helps stepparents to see patterns (I'm jealous not because I'm neurotic, but because I'm an outsider!). Giving up fantasies of an instant family frees the stepparent to accomplish a crucial developmental task: get to know the strangers she has joined.

The developmental tasks of the early stages include bearing the confusion and disappointment of early stepfamily living without giving up; beginning to identify and articulate the very different experience stepfamily structure creates for each individual in the stepfamily; and relinquishing fantasies enough to engage actively in the step-by-step process of building a family out of strangers. 


I really want to be a good stepmom--but as I read, I have seen some things emerge that trouble me greatly.  I can see where we are in relation to what I've read, & it is so predictable.  I've become the stepmonster.  And here's where not having my kid in my corner hurts the most--he's not here to defend me or to speak up.  I am the outsider & without him with me--I am really the outsider because no matter what I think or feel the alignment ain't gonna be with me--at least not right now.  I'm hoping that by doing this research on the stepfamily that Xing Fu & I can be more aware of the dynamics going on--there was a huge blow-up on Tuesday which further elucidated for me that I am the enemy.  I don't want to give up & as some articles suggest to "disengage" but I am getting to that point.  I knew that this blended family thing would be extremely difficult going in (one of the most difficult experiences of my life so I've heard) & I am committed to making this work, but when do I get a break?  

And the weird thing about all of this is that I am a stepdaughter too--been there, done that & yet, you'd think that I get it & in all actuality I do--I remember being at my dad's house at the age of 12 & really hating my stepmother because she changed everything!  It was her fault!  She took my dad away from me!  I'm quite sure I was a nasty & difficult SD at times--but in that situation my dad didn't help make things better.  And she wasn't the nicest to me either--she was only 9 years older than me & I think she was a pretty good example of "how not to be a good & kind stepmom".  She got better or maybe I just got older & cared less about the whole thing.  I don't want to be that SM--I don't think I am but boy do I feel like that's how my stepkids think of me right now.

Caution: Merge ahead

Our move is only 3 days away & we've all been crammed into Xing Fu's smallish condo since last Saturday--tensions are bound to crop up as we try to figure all of this out.  It is a very good thing that we're going to move to a completely new space together when we merge our families--no one has territorial connections & we have to all start from scratch.  Because while we're living at Xing Fu's we're not in our own space & boy can I tell you about territorialism! This past weekend, Xing Fu's children's little dog (about the size of our cat), came to the condo with the girls.  This is what ensued:

 My cat flipped out!  I think we made a tactical error by having the dog here in such a smallish space.  The poor cat hid for most of the weekend & still is off his feed.  Poor cat--we've managed to rock his little world twice in the space of one week--he never knew what hit him....

I think my son & I are grieving a little bit for our house.  I think for different reasons but we're grieving nonetheless. I think that's one thing going through my kid's head--this just ain't his space.  Plus he's no longer an "only" child.  Now he'll be third of four.  Instant siblings!  And, for quite a few years now, it's only been him & me--no other adult to have to contend with--that's gotta rock someone's world to be sure! All this thrust upon him plus moving has got to be tough--I'm just trying to normalize it for him.  But he is feeling it acutely. As a result, I've been doing a little research on blended families & this is what I came up with from Helpguide.org & the authors:Gina Kemp, M.A., Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., and Lawrence Robinson. :

• Changes in family relationships. If both parents remarry partners with existing families, it can mean children suddenly find themselves with different roles in two blended families. For example, one child may be the eldest in one stepfamily but the youngest in the other. Blending families may also mean one child loses his or her uniqueness as the only boy or girl in the family.
• Difficulty in accepting a new parent. If children have spent a long time in a one-parent family, or if children still nurture hopes of reconciling their parents, it may be difficult for them to accept a new person.
• Coping with demands of others. In blended families planning family events can get complicated, especially when there are custody considerations to take into account. Children may grow frustrated that vacations, parties, or weekend trips now require complicated arrangements to include their new stepsiblings.

Wow, seems to me that there is a piece of each of these issues right now for us--awareness is half the battle, I suppose.  And the answers--well certainly not easy, but eventually I think doable if everyone is committed to making it work. I think the foremost response is open communication & building trust.  The authors have this to say with regard to that:

The way a blended family communicates says a lot about the level of trust between family members. When communication is clear, open, and frequent, there are fewer opportunities for misunderstanding and more possibilities for connection, whether it is between parent and child, step-parent and stepchild, or between stepsiblings.

Uncertainty and worry about family issues often comes from poor communication. It might be helpful to set up some ‘house rules’ for communication within a blended family, such as:

• Listen respectfully to one another.
• Address conflict positively.
• Establish an open and nonjudgmental atmosphere.
• Do things together – games, sports, activities.
• Show affection to one another comfortably.

And finally, "create family rituals & establish routines. Decide on meaningful family rituals and plan to incorporate at least one into your blended family. They might include Sunday visits to the beach, a weekly game night, or special ways to celebrate a family birthday. Establishing regular family meals, for example, offers a great chance for you to talk and bond with your children and stepchildren as well as encourage healthy eating habits."  We've been doing family meals for about a year now--every Sunday that Xing Fu has his children, we've come over or they've come to our house for dinner.  I think it has helped us a great deal to have that ritual & I certainly hope that it continues into the future.  So we seem to be on the right track in many ways but it will be an uphill climb that will be a challenge for everyone involved.  

Strange to look back on this blog history & see how much has changed for all of us in the 2 1/2 years we've been together--it's been worth it!

Homeless

Howl's Moving Castle

The deed is done.  My house ain't mine.  And now, I have nowhere to run if things don't work out--Kinda too late now....deja vu....and off we go to live with Xing Fu for 10 days.  The next great adventure.  Strange to not "go home."  For as much as Xing Fu would like us (my son & me) to feel free to be "at home", we don't. It's not his fault, he isn't doing anything wrong, it's just not our home & we feel it acutely.  I'm sure the new house will feel that way for all of us for a while. But it's the subtle things that you can't quite put your finger on...like wanting to watch TV but feeling like mebbe you shouldn't because no one else wants to watch what you do, no DVR to record the shows that you want, or that you're living out of a bag. I joke a little about being "homeless"--it is no joke if you are, but I do think that we have a sense of what that must be like. It isn't the most comfortable feeling even if we're shacked up with my boyfriend & we do have a destination & know where our next meal is coming from (don't get me started about shared grocery bills--another time, another blog post). 

I also know that it is a huge adjustment for EVERYBODY.  Xing Fu's kids need to be cognizant of us being there all the time when before we could be taken in smaller doses if they wanted.  And the same could be said for us--there's no place to hide. And we're trying to figure out how to do this together with our joined families--I keep saying to Xing Fu that I don't want us to live in the new house as two separate families living together but as one big extended bonus family.  That is my hope & my fear.  So while this is the next great adventure ( & I truly feel that it is), we are all concerned about the minutiae of daily living.  Food, laundry, neatness (my son & I may be a little less concerned about everything being put away), drinking glasses being left everywhere (my big pet peeve) & who takes care of this stuff....the following is something I found on yahoo about blending finances when you move in together:

Money Mistake #6: You Fell in Love

Love can cause money problems--but not the ones you might expect. Most individuals have an internal financial math that makes their budget work: They cheap out on the things they don't care about and splurge on things they value. For instance, you may be perfectly happy to keep your grocery bills low by eating cereal eight times a week so you can splash out on clothing. Then you fall in love with a guy who lives in blue jeans and flip-flops but would never eat day-old bread. It's easy to start sharing each other's pleasures, but hard to give up our own. So you take his wardrobe up a notch, and he buys truffle salt at the grocery store...and as a couple, you pile on the new expenses while abandoning your former budgeting strategies.

Solution: Asking partners to stop doing the things that make them happy is a great way to build resentment and encourage financial infidelity. So instead, start with the fun stuff: Come up with a list of what you both value most and together build a budget that will help you achieve those goals. During that process, you'll each have to make sacrifices, but it won't feel as if your partner is living it up while you are being denied.

The statement in bolded red is the biggest takeaway from this piece of advice. It is very true--I think Xing Fu & I have brushed up against this already--I value cooking with high end ingredients & good wine far more than he does & this could be a potential pitfall--so we need to figure out how to make it work for us--and I know that we're committed to doing just that.  But being without my home is still very strange.

"Bonus" Families

Worst case scenario

Not to leave any stone unturned as we merge our lives together, I am going to flip the channel from the house (which is overwhelming & stressful by itself) to our continued quest to "blend" our families.  I don't like the term blended family--I was looking on the internet and I found a few articles about moving in together with step-families.  One article called the families "Bonus" Families.  I like that.  Xing Fu's kids are a bonus--a positive addition to my smallish family--I get to be a stepmom to girls--I don't have girls.  I get an opportunity to be a "mom" to girls in my life--something I didn't think I'd ever experience as I believed that I had a boy & that was that.  And conversely, Xing Fu has the opportunity to be a "dad" to a boy--something he never figured on either.  Definitely a bonus.  


Anyway, what I've been reading has to do with successfully smooshing us into a new family unit when we'll all be under the same roof.  And in particular that same roof should be a new one.  Get a great start.  Instead of moving into his place or her place, find a new home.  This can be neutral territory and a fresh start for all.  This eliminates the problems caused by some of the family feeling eternally like "outsiders," and the "insiders" feeling like their territory is being invaded or encroached on.  The cost and trouble of getting into a neutral home might be substantial, but the benefits may be well worth it.

Check.  Got this covered.  In fact, Xing Fu & I signed our first official document together with the realtor last night.  Cool.  And also as a result of last night's meeting the "For Sale" sign goes up in front of the house on Friday.  Wow, I can't believe it is actually happening--it's one thing to have the contractor here working on the house but it's quite another to actually see the sign out front.

The next piece of advice seems to be not to expect that the process will be easy or happen overnight--I am truly learning that now. Don't expect the process of blending families to be easy.  The process is almost always one of the most challenging, frustrating, and heart-breaking experiences of your life.  Expect to go through phases with highs and lows, mistakes and successes, over a period of four to seven years.  Having your expectations too high might crush your resolve to hang in there when things get really hard. 

It has been pretty hard & it has had ups & downs & when you think things are hunk-dory between all of the family members--think again!  I just hope it doesn't take 7 years--everyone will be in college by then!  

And then there's the concerns about discipline & re-directing the kids:

Discipline your own children -- not your step children.  The older the children, the more important this guideline can be.  Work out and agree on some posted "house rules" to be applied to everyone in the home.  Do this in a family council (after you and your spouse have come to terms on the major issues).  Then make sure that you are the primary enforcer with your children, not with your step-children.  Xing Fu & I are already discussing these things & the house rules advice is HUGE--we recognize that even now.  

I find the next piece of advice also very helpful with regard to how one grows the relationship with their step-children:  Become a friend with your step-children.  Friendship should be your primary role with them -- something like a fun camp-counselor relationship.  Consider winking and smiling at them when they get away with something.  Give up completely on the idea of improving the discipline of your step-children.  It's a war you can never win.  Surrender now.  You can be a back-up and support to your spouse at times, but if you come across as more strict, or more consistent than their parent, you will lose.  If you are determined to be a positive influence the behavior of your step-children, keep it 100% positive.  I think we're getting there as well--it is bumpy at times but I see the progress.  

And finally, something that I know I've talked about before & am a firm believer in: Put your marriage first.  The greatest gift you can give your children is the lasting image and influence of a loving, committed, fun relationship between their parents.  Schedule a weekly date night away from the kids, and make it a priority!  Much of your daily communications will be about problems with the kids, but try to make date time a vacation from family problems -- a time to focus on enjoying each other.  Despite other failings in the family, if the children grow up wanting to have a marriage like yours, you've been a successful parent.  Okay, so we're not married but we are committed to one another & are in this for the long haul, hence buying the house.  And I wholeheartedly agree that modeling positive adult relationships goes a long way to helping children grow up to have their own--respect one another.  Show love. I think we're there.  Now to sell the house & hopefully quickly too.