As Close to Nirvana

So on & on I go, the seconds tick the time out,
There's so much left to know, & I'm on the road to find out.

--Cat Stevens


I love to horseback ride. I used to be an avid rider growing up--showed & everything. In fact I was more than just a little horse crazy--ask my sister...even after I discovered boys I still rode as much as I could--a lot of horse crazy girls then drop the sport when they discover boys. Horses just made everything right. I think it had something to do with how riding made me feel. If I had a bad day, I could go into the stall & sit in a corner with the horse quietly munching around me & just cry if I needed to. Or I could lean against this big, warm animal & inhale its scent & everything would be better with the world. And that was before I even got on to ride. I think riding gets me as close to inner peace as I can get. When I was having my issues with the sociopath--the niggling doubts, the questions, etc., I looked forward to riding because it would all just float away. Everything. All there was was me, & the horse. Yes, I had to concentrate to get over the fences or make sure I was on the correct lead, but nothing comes close to that calm I get when I ride. All of the issues that we wear around us--self-esteem, built-up defenses, our self-doubts--well, that's all gone when I'm up there flying over fences. Wish I could ride everyday--I think I'd be a much stronger person. It is just as cathartic now as it was when I was a kid--I think I just recognize it now.

I hadn't ridden in 18 years before September of this past year. I was determined to get back to it after the divorce, & all the stuff that came in between. During the 18 year hiatus I used to dream about riding--I'd wake up & feel my muscles ache as if I had. When I got back on it was amazing. It was as if I picked up where I'd left off--I knew what to do & believe it or not, I was jumping fences on that first day. The level of exhilaration still hasn't worn off. By the way, don't let anyone tell you that riding isn't exercise--it is--all core & legs & it is very good for you. It's only the good riders that make it appear as though the rider does nothing & the horse does all the work. My son still can't figure that one out--he always says I look like I don't do anything up there--all I can say is that after a particularly strenuous lesson, I DO hurt & need a soak just like anyone else who's had an extra hard workout.

Riding helps exorcise the demons which crop up. Helps me to work towards the future & negotiate the past & attempt to be ok with it, & move on. I still lean on the horse & inhale the scent of nirvana.

Oh--I am closing the book on the ugly month of March. It has been a very difficult one from the beginning explosion to the whimper at the end--in like a lion, out like a lamb...

Rebounding in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.....

Had an interesting date fall into my lap last night....I had been receiving a few emails from some men on various sites & one guy called me Friday afternoon. We talked for about an hour & he asked if I wanted to go with him to see Cirque De Soleil that night. Now who am I to turn away a cool first date like that? He had comp tix because he works in local media--photojournalist, cameraman...and he didn't have a date so I guess I was the lucky recipient. He definitely met a lot of my criteria & our backgrounds were quite similar so again, who am I to turn that down?

It started great--he showed up at the house looking pretty good--nicely dressed, tall, blue eyes...nice. He is a wine drinker so I brought up a couple of my nicer ones: a choice between an Altos Reserva Malbec & a Truchard Pinot Noir. He chose the Pinot, and we spent about 45 minutes chatting & enjoying a nice wine. Good chemistry--no camparisons in sight. Yea!

We go to Cirque, which was wonderful & we continue having fun--super seats--I guess when you have press comp tix you get the good seats. We leave & pull out of the parking lot and....his car dies. I mean, DIES. It would turn over but it appeared that there was no fuel getting to the engine or something. I'm cool with it--what can you do? He doesn't have his AAA card so I use my AAA plus one so we have free towing. I tell him it's all good & not to be too bummed--I'm still having fun even in the pouring rain. He gets really sullen & withdrawn & I try to pull him out of it...so here's where I begin to pay closer attention to his way of handling minor bumps in the road. The tow truck arrives, car gets loaded, & we drive to a station near my house so I can get my car & drive him home. Finally he seems to snap out of his funk & suggests that I come in for some wine at his place.

Against my better judgement, & the fact that it's now 1 AM, I agree. He doesn't live far from me & I've decided that, if nothing else, Mr. Cameraman can be a rebound test. Will I make comparisons? Will I want the sociopath instead? So far so good. As the morning progresses I decide that I couldn't pursue anything with this guy beyond this time--he's too moody & way too self-contemplative for me (word?). But he chooses a nice wine: Molly Dooker--The Boxer and his house is very nicely decorated--I ike the art & the Emmys...our music tastes are the same & he's pretty cute. So we enjoyed ourselves & my test works. No comparisons & wishful thinking--at least for this particular brief interlude.

What ultimately I get out of this is that there are other men out there like the sociopath that match with me well & that eventually I will find him. Hopefully without certain of the traits of the sociopath or Mr. Cameraman. It does give me hope. Now hopefully I won't see him aroud the community--we do frequent the same shops, etc...Can you say, AWKWARD?

2 Steps Forward, 1 Step Back

Carrie: After a break-up, certain streets, locations, even times of day are off-limits. The city becomes a deserted battlefield, loaded with emotional landmines. You have to be very careful where you step or you could be blown to pieces.

From: Sex & The City



I know my mom meant well. We were on the phone catching up some stuff in preparation for their return to Baltimore when she had to ask me.
"So has the sociopath called you yet?" I was struck to the core.
I said, "No, why would he?"
She said, "I figured that by now he would have popped up again."
I replied, "Nope, not a word or text."

Here I was doing sooo much better this week. Inner resolve, thoughts about having much higher expectations, watching Oprah with Steve Harvey & Tough Love on VH1 & maybe understanding my mistakes a little bit better as a result. And then there it was again: him. And me thinking about him and missing him & a very teensy part of me wanting him to call but dreading if he did. Because she has a point. That has been his past MO & I still wouldn't put it past him in the future to contact me again. I just hope, if & when the time comes, that I have enough inner resolve to let it go unanswered.

I had been looking toward the future for most of the week & doing pretty well: fairly optimistic, & there it was, the past & my pain, squatting there like a troll with warts wielding a truncheon. Again, I know mom didn't mean to hurt me but it did send me spiraling a bit. It was a good thing I had sparring class last night & that two other schools joined ours. I didn't have too much time to think about it. When I got home last night I just crashed--lights on & everything. I am doing better today--reminding myself of the progress I've made, but I am still a little sad though I'm not wallowing.

On the plus side, although I'm not actively seeking, I have been getting a few emails here & there & that's been fun. I'm not treating anything too seriously & I'm not expecting anything right now either so I'm not spending too much time emailing back or visiting sites.

I did block the sociopath on the website where I met him though. The intake of breath whenever a silver volvo like his goes by, or I see a DC plate, or I hear a song by Spoon that was significant, isn't quite as deep or as painful now & that in & of itself continues to give me hope for getting past this soon. I am trying to find the good in the relationship--the aha!, what-did-I-learn-from-this fiasco part, & I think I'm starting to find it...again, work in progress. I think someone once told me that I'll wake up one morning & the little niggling pain that's left will be gone & it will truly be a brand new day.

Shooting Star

Letting the dog out this morning I was looking up at the sky & marvelling at the beauty of the big dipper. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a shooting star. Of course I made a wish. That's the fourth one I've seen in my life aside from a meteor shower or two which in my book don't count. Two times when I was a horseback riding instructor at a summer camp in NC, once this past summer with my BFF(J) in Cali when we each saw 2 a piece, and now. Everytime my wishes have come true. The event this morning reminded me of last week's strange occurance while at work--the feeling, almost tangible of great & joyful lifetime experiences to come. Some folk would say I'm superstitious, I think it's just the universe reminding me that it's listening....

Asking the Universe With Gratitude

It was a good weekend despite the moments of weakness. Actually it was a great weekend now that I think about it. I LOVE my friends! They are the awesomest, most amazing, loving, supportive, & fun--I am truly grateful--I cannot say this enough! Even though I do miss the couple thing it was kinda nice to be back into my routine. Before the sociopath (BS--OMG--I am soooo killing myself here! Glad I can crack myself up) I had a particular pattern of weekend events. Friday nights are TKD--my friends there & then dinner with my girlfriend & my son. She wasn't there this Friday but my son & I went to our favorite Korean place for He De Bop. I realize how nice it is to reconnect with my child--we've been doing that a lot this weekend--he is a great guy & actually dealing with this whole relationship thing may be good for him to see example of how not to act for future knowledge. We even went running together today, discussing his life & his dreams--haven't done that in a while--again, great to reconnect with the most important person in my life.

Saturday mornings again TKD (Yep--we're there a lot) & then later is of course the Saturday Best Friend's Wine Tasting (SBFWT) This week my BFF(J) brought two friends from Harford County with her. She had known them when they all lived and partied in Fell's Point together. Now they are both married with children but were able to sneak away as they said to join us. Now here is where I hope I never have to "sneak away" to do something like hang out with my BFFs. Where maybe being single is a plus--I only have to worry about babysitting at night. That's one reason why I love the both of my BFFs so much. They never forget their girlfriends--ever. They make time for me & for us. They accept me even though I don't have a man to complete the couple thing and invite me to dinners. They don't have to ask permission or sneak away--they are their own people. They are straightforward & tell it like it is which I definitely need right now. I never have to pretend either or be concerned that my quirkiness might be a little, well--quirky. They are easy to be with--no drama. I don't need friends that make being friends with them difficult--you know the type--you have to work to be their friend & there's always toe-squishing or hurt feelings. Plus they are great fun to be with--as if that's the bonus.

There's this unspoken rule that once you are a "single" being invited to dinner parties or other "couple" events is not an option. There is a group of folk from our outer social circle where this definitely holds true. Unless there's a party I'm invited to, I am not invited to a dinner party--except with my BFFs. That sucks because I'd love to be included but it just doesn't happen so I see these folk usually at parties & no other time. And when I do see them it's a lot of them asking about my dating life--almost the whole vicarious living thing. That gets tired kinda fast. Of course they all wanted to know about the sociopath unless they'd met him. Now they'll all wanna know about the break-up & I'll be expected to regale them of that drama--AGAIN. I think I'm done telling the story now--

After the tasting, which created a very tipsy me--I wasn't driving. We all go back to BFF(J)'s house for sushi and---you guessed--more vino! It was fun just being a bunch women enjoying each other & just hanging out. Even better was that I was supposed to drive my son & his friend (BFF(A)'s son) to a dance. It 7:45 & I needed to leave to get the boys but instead my BFF(A)'s husband called & offered to take them & pick them up! Wow! So cool--again allowing the friends to have such important time together. Eventually my BFF(A) & I left to get back to her house for when the boys got back but by that point it was very late & we were all tired anyway.

My friends tell me to ask the universe for what I want--kinda like the whole The Secret thing. So I am asking, but I am also asking with gratitude because of the kind of enduring & deep relationships I have with two of the most amazing women I know.

Man & Mulderbosch

Ever since my divorce I've bought wine. At first it was the "Two Buck Chuck" kind & then I moved on to the Yellowtail types. Soon after I started working for BCPS(S) I expanded my wine collection beyond the baseline--not because my job drove me to drink mind you, just because there was a great little wine store right near my school. I began to read the magazines for the best values & found that a good Pinot Noir was all that was needed to make me quite happy. Now I think I have a "cellar" that can hold its own--from decent Chardonnays to Vouvrays to a lovely local Cabernet Franc from Boordy. What is the absolute best thing about my wines is the fact that now my BFFs appreciate them at least as much as I do & look forward to our Best Friend's Wine Tasting every Saturday. Now however, I have wines in my house that I need to drink--they are reminders that I do not want & make me sad. As I was drinking a glass of Man Pinotage 2006 this evening, trying to erase its existence without wasting it, (it really is quite good by the way), I couldn't help thinking about certain people. Yes, I know, but....

My mind wandered a bit thinking what if I had gotten back with him--what would that look like? Maybe for a month things would have been wonderful--I imagine a level of attentiveness that would have been beyond what I'd experienced before--I would be ecstatic & on the clouds....Would've gone to see Ozomatli most likely. But, like the last episode of Ugly Betty where all of the girls in the bar have numbers on their chests indicating which lover they were from 1 to 159, & they all whispered in Matt's ear, as soon as a call went unanswered or he showed up late, or he disappointed me in even a minor way, I would be on the edge of crazy-woman again. I don't like myself that way at all. I would always be suspicious of him--where he was, what he was doing when we weren't together--it would make me so anxious & on edge. Never trusting him completely. Always asking questions. I couldn't live my life with him that way....which is why I won't.

Workman's Comp

Is there Workman's Comp for hearts?

I was walking down the hall of my school to go teach Taekwondo in the afterschool program. I had forgotten my uniform so I was prepared to teach in a skirt but take off my heels--yep, that's the kind of day it had been. I was already late because I received a phone call from my boss which required me to pull up information on my computer to take care of a potential problem from a past meeting on a kid. Turns out that all was in order so nothing bad would happen...thankfully. So I was marching briskly down the hall to the gym when all of a sudden I trip & land right on my ass! Immediately my ankle swells noticeably. Teachers run into the hallway to see what happened & they call the nurse. So starts my ordeal with Baltimore City Public Schools' Workman's Comp & being the single gal.

After filling out the forms, I'm told I have to go downtown to Mercy to get checked out. Well now! Who's supposed to take me? Both my BFFs have family obligations, my folks are out of town, my sis lives in Chicago, etc., etc...So I call one of my buddies (now known as my Prince) from work--he wonderfully comes to my rescue, even being sick with the creeping crud. So after a number of hours in the bowels of Mercy Hospital, trying figure out the role of the medical groupie who follows all of the uniform-clad nurses & NPs, but is not in a uniform herself....a few x-rays & one motrin 800 (I begged for something more fun), I am released on my own recognizance with what I knew I had in the first place--a very minimal sprain. Yeesh--all this for nothing, not even a day off or a percocet! Actually was offered a few days off--but I just didn't see the need or the aggravation it would cause.

But the point of this story, & I do have one, is that it was quite hard to be alone here with ths emergency. As a single gal with a kiddo, it is doubly difficult--at least my child could let himself in at home. My BFF(A) actually kept him at her house for me while I was sitting in the ER at Mercy. I cannot stress this enough: we need our friends--those who will watch the kid when you sprain your ankle, those who will pick you up & drive you, sit with you, try to figure out the medical groupie Mercy mystery with you, & also all of those friends on FB who show their concerns too. After the horrible nature of my break-up & the subsequent rallying that my network of friends have done for me, I am always grateful to the universe for the people who, for some reason, love me & are willing to be there no matter what--we single moms need that more than anything else--