Thursday, March 26, 2009

2 Steps Forward, 1 Step Back

Carrie: After a break-up, certain streets, locations, even times of day are off-limits. The city becomes a deserted battlefield, loaded with emotional landmines. You have to be very careful where you step or you could be blown to pieces.

From: Sex & The City

I know my mom meant well. We were on the phone catching up some stuff in preparation for their return to Baltimore when she had to ask me.
"So has the sociopath called you yet?" I was struck to the core.
I said, "No, why would he?"
She said, "I figured that by now he would have popped up again."
I replied, "Nope, not a word or text."

Here I was doing sooo much better this week. Inner resolve, thoughts about having much higher expectations, watching Oprah with Steve Harvey & Tough Love on VH1 & maybe understanding my mistakes a little bit better as a result. And then there it was again: him. And me thinking about him and missing him & a very teensy part of me wanting him to call but dreading if he did. Because she has a point. That has been his past MO & I still wouldn't put it past him in the future to contact me again. I just hope, if & when the time comes, that I have enough inner resolve to let it go unanswered.

I had been looking toward the future for most of the week & doing pretty well: fairly optimistic, & there it was, the past & my pain, squatting there like a troll with warts wielding a truncheon. Again, I know mom didn't mean to hurt me but it did send me spiraling a bit. It was a good thing I had sparring class last night & that two other schools joined ours. I didn't have too much time to think about it. When I got home last night I just crashed--lights on & everything. I am doing better today--reminding myself of the progress I've made, but I am still a little sad though I'm not wallowing.

On the plus side, although I'm not actively seeking, I have been getting a few emails here & there & that's been fun. I'm not treating anything too seriously & I'm not expecting anything right now either so I'm not spending too much time emailing back or visiting sites.

I did block the sociopath on the website where I met him though. The intake of breath whenever a silver volvo like his goes by, or I see a DC plate, or I hear a song by Spoon that was significant, isn't quite as deep or as painful now & that in & of itself continues to give me hope for getting past this soon. I am trying to find the good in the relationship--the aha!, what-did-I-learn-from-this fiasco part, & I think I'm starting to find it...again, work in progress. I think someone once told me that I'll wake up one morning & the little niggling pain that's left will be gone & it will truly be a brand new day.

1 comment:

Incognito said...

Very powerful stuff here and again, thanks for being willing to put it out there with such clarity and emotion.