Sunday, December 28, 2008

The Infinite Abyss

Andrew Largeman: Hey Albert
Albert: Yeah?
Andrew Largeman: Good luck exploring the infinite abyss.
Albert: Thank you, and Hey, you too.

From: Garden State


I love that movie. It came out at a time when I was exploring being separated & what it felt like to start over. For those who haven't seen it, Andrew Largeman, played by Zach Braff (whom (thx BD) I love), sort of wakes up from the stupor of his life. I like to think that I woke up too. The scene where this dialogue takes place is on the edge of a quarry--The edge of what?? I like the imagery. About a third of the way down is a very old boat that a couple lives in. Albert's Quarry. I go back to that movie a lot as I experience my own awakenings. I especially like the quote above as I feel that often I have to explore the "infinite abyss" of my emotions & where I'm headed & what I want especially when it concerns meeting someone who will enhance my life. So what this all means is that I had an abyss moment on Thursday when I almost left the bull's apartment & drove home at about 11:30 at night. I am still seething about New Year's & I was feeling miles apart from the bull (no pun intended) & he wasn't doing much to close the gap--heh. I was feeling frustrated that I'm always at arm's length & I still am.

Earlier in the evening we had been to the wonderful party I mentioned in another post. It was great--we had a good time together as usual. My mom mentions to me how much the bull seems attentive to me, & how his body language shows how much he's into me. It confuses her because of the situation our relationship is in. How can he be so much a part of me & so involved as he is & still hold me so far away? That was why I almost left.
He convinced me not to, but as I explored the abyss, I decided a few things: namely that I can't continue to expect anything more from him right now & that I have to accept this, stop analyzing it, or decide that having a good time with the bull isn't worth it anymore & TRULY MOVE ON... My decision will most probably come after the holidays when things get back to normal. I also think that this is a reaction to the whole holiday stress too so I need to wait.

The other abyss is the dating one. I cancelled a couple of my online services because I'm not finding anyone. I have a few guys calling and/or emailing but there seems to be a real lack of dating material at the moment. Maybe it's the economy or the season--but there is a real dearth of available men--at least ones that I like. One of my friends & I may try a speed-dating experiment just to liven things up.

Update: As of right now I am spending New Year's with my family--my sister will be in & I'm looking forward to spending time with her so maybe a bull-less NY is a good one after all.

2 comments:

Ros said...

Because I'm your friend, I can understand why you're still seething about New Year's. But maybe it's time to drop the Bull into the abyss. If he wanted to spend New Year's Eve with you, he'd be spending New Year's Eve with you. No matter what his body language says, listen to his words. Because he's listening to his words, and believing them.

baltimorediary said...

"whom".

Look, I'm not going to tell you to break up with him or not, because I'm not as close to the situation as others. If he's around, then great and I'm supportive and he's welcome to be your date when I have parties and if we go double-dating or whatever, and if he's not around then I'm still supportive. Can I invite him to parties anyway? (-;

I think that your analysis is spot-on with regard to your options. I also think it's wise to wait until the holiday season is over to make any decisions. This time of year somehow has a way of intensifying our emotions and everything gains an artificial sense of importance. It's not that you don't have a date on Wednesday night, which isn't ordinarily a date night anyway; it's that you don't have a date on New Year's Eve, which somehow means that you smell bad and nobody loves you and you're doomed to spend eternity alone except for the twenty-seven cats who now own your home. Or something.