Walls

Bittersweet

I know we don't talk about it.
We don't tell each other.
All the little things that we need.
We work our way around each other.
As we tremble and we bleed.
It's bittersweet, more sweet than bitter, Bitter than sweet.
It's a bittersweet surrender
--Big Head Todd & the Monsters


Did I mention that I was tired? Like so many other things around the holiday, I just need a break. Maybe this dating thing isn't worth it right now--the effort is sometimes too much. I guess I wish everything were easier & I didn't feel like I often have to jump through hoops. The question remains--where's the prince? All the men I see right now just have so much frog about them--no commitment or no exclusivity, etc., etc....

It's not like I had a bad weekend. I saw the guy from work on Thursday & that was fun, albeit brief. But I don't see a future there either--recent break-up & wants to date, not be with one person. Of course I'll still go out with him if he wants & I do like him, but again a frog.

Saturday was a co-worker's Christmas party. The bull accompanied me & of course we were late. We had just hit the beltway when my buddy texts me to find out where we were. Apparently no one cared about my arrival but had much anticipation waiting to finally meet the bull in person. Such pressure! But as usual, he is such the charmer. My other friend tried to get personal information from him but he evades, evades & dodges...hence the walls I refer to. Sometimes I never know when I'll see the real person--sometimes I do, & that is when I like the bull the most. But it is fleeting & frustrating.

We always have a lot of fun together but I get tired trying to get to the real man. After six months I sometimes wonder how much better I actually know him. And of course I still struggle with our relationship status of committed but not exclusive. There's that frog business.

And the pressure of the holidays: will we spend New Year's together?


Final Note:

To my dear friend Terry Long:
I miss you, you were an amazing friend who had incredible talents & shared them with everyone...Rest in Peace...Love you...."Way to go!" "Excellent!"