Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Red Flags

Every time I start a new relationship I always worry about the red flags.  I hope that I don't run into any & invariably I usually do.  Good example was the last relationship I was in & his unwillingness to allow me to discuss anything that was really bothering me...or getting our sons together...or not being available by phone for an entire day when we're supposed to get together by get the picture.  In fact, looking back, there were red flags EVERYWHERE & they basically drove me nuts!  (Reference the post on Sunday February 22, 2009 Long Distance Dating Or any other one, really).  But that is old news.  

Those red flags can certainly mess up potential dates too--kinda like a list thing that Lori Gottlieb talks about--a red flag could be baldness or height or even his education level.  You cross them out at the starting gate without a second look.  In that case, it may be important to relax those flags a bit because you never know....look at Charlotte & Harry on SATC... Of course a red flag could be a non-negotiable.  Let me give an example...

When I look at my list one of the top items is being a sailor.  OK, you may think that's rather superficial but I don't.  My ex-husband did not like the water AT ALL!  He didn't get sea sick or anything, but for him spending the day sailing was like torture...that should have been a big, huge, planet-sized red flag!  Yikes!!  And I overlooked it!  See what it got me?  Sailing is in my blood so it really is a non-negotiable.  But if the guy is willing to learn to sail & go out with me on the water,  then I can be flexible.  Well, the Bull passed the sailing test...but y'all know the rest.  Xing Fu on the other hand--couldn't ask for much better--definitely no red flag there.  Not only did we race together from Spring through the Summer when we met crewing, (and look forward to more), but we spend a lot of time talking about sailing & looking to finding as much time as we can going out there--preferably together, even if it will be on my parent's push-button sailboat.  

There are of course other red flags & usually about a couple months into a relationship they begin to rear their questioning heads.  And so, upon reflection, and two months in, so far, nuffin'.  We've even talked about it...joked about it and ultimately, can't believe it.  And I'm quite sure we're two of the more realistic people and aren't prone to rose-hued glasses at this place in our lives.  Which is why we say to each other how lucky we are to have found one another.

1 comment:

rkeats said...

What a great post! It's so try that the little things that you thought were cute eccentricities when you are first in a relationship seem to become some of the most annoying characteristics years down the road. And yes, I agree, there are certain things that must be a given if the relationship can grow--like knowing how to sail, being gainfully employed, and the ever popular, not being a compulsive liar and scum (he will not be named but we all know of whom I speak). Anyway, I can't wait to meet this dude and find out if, indeed, Prince Charming turns out to be more Charming than Frog--a sister knows these things.