Sunday, March 14, 2010

Cute Eccentricities

My sister will love that I'm posting this but recently these things have been on my mind:

  "It's so true that the little things that you thought were cute eccentricities when you are first in a relationship seem to become some of the most annoying characteristics years down the road. And yes, I agree, there are certain things that must be a given if the relationship can grow--like knowing how to sail, being gainfully employed, and the ever popular, not being a compulsive liar and scum (he will not be named but we all know of whom I speak)."

So both Xing Fu & I get a little worried that what's so cute & interesting now will shift into the category of "glaring incompatibilities" later--which can cause a mini-freak-outs on occasion.  I think we're both a bit gun-shy because of past failed relationships but trying to learn from mistakes and improve upon them will hopefully allow us to relax a bit.  We both feel so lucky to have found one another & we both are worried that the mundane will take over or we'll begin to take one another for granted...perhaps this blog can help--reread the posts to remind us not to go down that road.  All that & we both tend to think too much!  I guess my "Red Flags" post hit a nerve--but not seeing any is a good thing...

Plus, that Lori Gottlieb book just keeps entering into my consciousness.  She often talks about how she overlooked the guys who weren't the Type-A personalities, or when she met for a first date there weren't any sparks so the thought of a second date just never occurred to her.  I think I also practiced the same behaviors--except I was often in pursuit of those "bad boys".  And then there was Xing Fu.   Xing Fu & I were friends first, racing together, etc.  And although I always thought he was attractive, I never pursued anything because he was unavailable at that time.  So, in terms of first dates, there just weren't any & of course no sparks--just a platonic friendship that I enjoyed; going to music & having great conversation...that was about it.  So when things did change between us, I think it was a surprise that it was so amazing & still is.  Gottlieb also talks about letting a romance grow from the dubious beginnings--if a first date doesn't send shivers, etc. still go on a second--a lot of very successful couples she knows didn't exactly skyrocket out into space when they first met.  

I am trying to get to the point here--within the section about first dates, Ms. Gottlieb also discusses the things that couples don't always like about one another--"I wish he were less laid-back" or "I wish she wasn't so cluttered", for example.  But they choose to accept those things & not grow them into the "glaring incompatibilities".  She says, "[that a couple] has that romantic energy I crave--finishing each other's sentences, being gentle with each other's vulnerabilities, having enough comfort to laugh at their respective less-than-appealing qualities."  That's what I'm interested in right now--the ability to accept & support.  The best part of the above quote to me is the part about "being gentle with each other's vulnerabilities".  Already I think we are.  What have been my vulnerabilities in the past just haven't been an issue with Xing Fu--he is gentle with me--he understands and then those little nasties just fade great is that?  I hope I return that to him as well--I think I do & I try to remember to be gentle as well--soothing the soul. Trusting that being vulnerable is not a risk--& it hasn't been & that's wonderful.

"Men always want to be a woman's first love.  That is their clumsy vanity.  We women have a more subtle instinct about things.  What we like is to be a man's last romance."  

A Woman of No Importance, Oscar Wilde

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