My sister will love that I'm posting this but recently these things have been on my mind:
"It's so true that the little things that you thought were cute eccentricities when you are first in a relationship seem to become some of the most annoying characteristics years down the road. And yes, I agree, there are certain things that must be a given if the relationship can grow--like knowing how to sail, being gainfully employed, and the ever popular, not being a compulsive liar and scum (he will not be named but we all know of whom I speak)."
So both Xing Fu & I get a little worried that what's so cute & interesting now will shift into the category of "glaring incompatibilities" later--which can cause a mini-freak-outs on occasion. I think we're both a bit gun-shy because of past failed relationships but trying to learn from mistakes and improve upon them will hopefully allow us to relax a bit. We both feel so lucky to have found one another & we both are worried that the mundane will take over or we'll begin to take one another for granted...perhaps this blog can help--reread the posts to remind us not to go down that road. All that & we both tend to think too much! I guess my "Red Flags" post hit a nerve--but not seeing any is a good thing...
Plus, that Lori Gottlieb book just keeps entering into my consciousness. She often talks about how she overlooked the guys who weren't the Type-A personalities, or when she met for a first date there weren't any sparks so the thought of a second date just never occurred to her. I think I also practiced the same behaviors--except I was often in pursuit of those "bad boys". And then there was Xing Fu. Xing Fu & I were friends first, racing together, etc. And although I always thought he was attractive, I never pursued anything because he was unavailable at that time. So, in terms of first dates, there just weren't any & of course no sparks--just a platonic friendship that I enjoyed; going to music & having great conversation...that was about it. So when things did change between us, I think it was a surprise that it was so amazing & still is. Gottlieb also talks about letting a romance grow from the dubious beginnings--if a first date doesn't send shivers, etc. still go on a second--a lot of very successful couples she knows didn't exactly skyrocket out into space when they first met.
I am trying to get to the point here--within the section about first dates, Ms. Gottlieb also discusses the things that couples don't always like about one another--"I wish he were less laid-back" or "I wish she wasn't so cluttered", for example. But they choose to accept those things & not grow them into the "glaring incompatibilities". She says, "[that a couple] has that romantic energy I crave--finishing each other's sentences, being gentle with each other's vulnerabilities, having enough comfort to laugh at their respective less-than-appealing qualities." That's what I'm interested in right now--the ability to accept & support. The best part of the above quote to me is the part about "being gentle with each other's vulnerabilities". Already I think we are. What have been my vulnerabilities in the past just haven't been an issue with Xing Fu--he is gentle with me--he understands and then those little nasties just fade away...how great is that? I hope I return that to him as well--I think I do & I try to remember to be gentle as well--soothing the soul. Trusting that being vulnerable is not a risk--& it hasn't been & that's wonderful.
"Men always want to be a woman's first love. That is their clumsy vanity. We women have a more subtle instinct about things. What we like is to be a man's last romance."
A Woman of No Importance, Oscar Wilde