Wednesday, August 18, 2010

A Weight

I'm not usually the type to hold a grudge--in fact if I have a disagreement with someone, I don't wait around to confront an issue--I like to resolve it & move on.  I find it far more stressful to avoid conflict than to face it immediately so the fact that right now I'm not dealing directly with something that happened about a month ago is somewhat surprising.  But I'm still upset & frankly not ready to confront that person.  So instead, I'm writing about it & hoping that it will help me get to a point where I will discuss what happened with the individual & bring it to closure.

I wrote earlier about the week where I felt adrift & without focus & how that affected me.  And interestingly I revisited my Meyers-Briggs test (ENFJ--The Teacher) & it clearly states that ENFJs dislike intensely being alone--yup, me!  That week was all about being alone--bleck!  So I really needed a lot of support--comments like, "Oh, Grow Up!"  just do not help.  That was the first transgression--not that I wanted people to drop everything & come to my rescue, but a little compassion & soothing noises would have been nice.  OK, so I let that one go more or less.  (And even if most folk reading this think I'm being a big baby, so what?  All of us have issues like this & this is just mine.)  

Anyway, a few days later we were all gathered for a political information meeting & the presentation was over & guests were talking & milling around the host's house.  I received a phone call from Xing Fu (away that week) & I excused myself to talk to him.  We had a nice, long conversation & then I rejoined the group.  The next day my friend called me to talk about what she observed & what she had discussed.  She said that it was rude to have taken the call during the gathering & that according to another individual there (actually, the hostess) I shouldn't always be so available to Xing Fu.  When she (the hostess, not my friend) isn't always available to her husband, he's all over her.  I became hugely upset by that whole discussion.  Number one, was the betrayal of my trust to a woman who doesn't even know me that well & has no business giving me relationship advice having only been married a few short years herself.  Not only am I at least 10 years older than she is but I've been in a marriage before myself--additionally, if anyone knows me, I dislike intensely game-playing in relationships.  Marriages are built on honesty--playing hard-to-get games smacks of high school, frankly.  And even more, anyone who's observed my relationship with Xing Fu (and my friend has), & has heard me talk about it (again, she has), knows that WE DON'T PLAY GAMES!!!  So that little piece of "helpful advice" is incredibly insulting on so many levels.  

Secondly, I was not rude.  The main event was long over & I excused myself from the gathering & went outside on the deck to have a private chat.  If the hostess thought I was rude, then she offends too easily.  People were "excusing" themselves by leaving--was she offended that they left?  I don't think so.  No one was waiting for me to rejoin--they were all having conversations inside so I felt no pressure to be a part of that at the time. After my friend finished telling me all of this, I became very irate & abruptly ended our conversation--I haven't spoken to her since.

This is what is bothering me:  she didn't seem to get that her "relationship advice"  was uncalled for, & inappropriate and at that particular time when Xing Fu was away, completely missed the mark in the kind of support I needed & seemed almost mean-spirited since she knows that I don't play like that.  That she betrayed my trust when she injected an opinion of someone that I have no respect for when it comes for long-term relationship advice, and furthermore, even discussed my relationship with her in that kind of detail.  And that now, she hasn't reached out to even discuss what's wrong, she knows that the last time we talked, I was upset--she hasn't bothered to call me to see how things are--so that angers me to this day--as if I had a friend that I hadn't heard from, I would want to know if something was wrong.  It questions her friendship with me that she isn't remotely concerned.  So this is my weight & so far I don't feel that I should be the one to call her.  It is still unresolved.

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