The Space Between

Take my hand
'cause we're walking out of here
Right out of here
Is all we need dear
The space between
What's wrong and right

Is where you'll find me hiding waiting for you
The space between your heart and mind
Is the space we'll fill with time
The space between
The tears we cry is the laughter keeps us coming back for more

--Dave Matthews The Space Between

I've read a lot of interpretations of this song but I always come back to the evening that Xing Fu & I were alone in the house, sitting on the couch listening to this song after we'd had a bit of a stubborn, line-in-the-sand struggle. And both of us are very stubborn people.  The lines that Xing Fu said to me were the most meaningful: "The space between your heart & mind is the space we'll fill with time."  Time--we talk about it a lot--how to get our families to a place where we are comfortable & have love for one another.  Anyone who tells you that they loved their stepfamily from the start is delusional at best.  And also, like a new marriage, we need time to fill our relationship with the laughter as we negotiate our differences.  Even if we have our stubborn differences, and the children will witness them, we are modeling how to resolve them as a couple.  We both have failed that before & the last thing we want to do is fail again.  We want our children to see that two adults can have a positive and lasting relationship--filling the space between with joy, love, & even tears & pain.  That's life. I came across this article on yahoo yesterday that has a lot of good pointers towards building a lasting marriage:

http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/10-habits-keep-marriages-strong-150300067.html 

I showed it to Xing Fu & he liked them all but especially the part at the end regarding the little things: "What really matters is all the small stuff that adds up, such as being there for each other when one needs to vent, or noticing when he needs a hug, or making him his favorite meal just because. 'It's also giving up on the idea that you have to feel in love all the time. Marriage is about trust and commitment and knowing each other,' says Wilk. 'That's what love is.'" Time will get us there.

***Now, everyone take the time to exercise your right as a US citizen & go vote!  And if you are in Maryland (and I usually don't endorse any political viewpoint but I feel VERY strongly about this one) Vote for Question 6--let love marry!!!

Tire Marks

This blog seems to have multiple personalities at times.  Sometimes I write about sailing, sometimes about my relationship with Xing Fu, & recently, very often about being a stepmom & how incredibly difficult that is.  Funny, being a mom is definitely difficult & I sometimes think that I've been putting a hell of a lot more effort into being a stepmom than a mom these days--it is a double-edged sword to be sure.  But in all honesty, it seems that this stepmom gig is harder than the mom gig.  Why is that?  Mebbe it has something to do with the fact that my kid loves me & I love him & we've had years to develop our own peculiar brand of disfunction & this relationship is relatively new & before approximately 3 1/2 years ago, neither of us knew the other existed....

But, I keep working on it & sometimes I feel like I'm spinning my wheels & I also think that sometimes I'm pretty under-appreciated for the things that I do as well.  And recently, after really extending myself so much that I gave up some really important BFF time that I kinda needed, to spend a good portion of the day with one skid, I was just so frustrated because I really did feel somewhat under-appreciated.  And, as if by magic, I downloaded the wonderful resource entitled StepMom Magazine and there it was in this month's issue.  The affirmation I was looking for:

"...what commonly happens is that a lot of men feel uncomfortable showing affection to their wives. They don’t get to be with their kids full time and for many of the men I work with, this is a sorrow for them, to not be with their kids full time. What ends up happening is a lot of wives feel thrown under the bus the week that the kids are there and they are not shown the attention or the affection they desire. They are told by their husbands things like, “I get to see you all the time, but I only get to see my kids half the time.”  From: Eyes Wide Open: An Interview with Gregg Ockun
by MARY T. KELLY, M.A.   http://www.stepmommag.com/monthly-issues/

OK, how true is that!!  And boy have I heard it before....and yes, I totally get the missing seeing the kids full time--I know it would be extremely difficult for me (case in point, whenever my kid is away at camp).  But I shouldn't be cast aside like yesterday's newspaper (do they make those anymore??)  & that is how I feel often & particularly when it's their weekend.  And that isn't reality either.  I like the point that was also made about modeling a good marriage & relationship--it is natural & should be demonstrated to all of the kids--bio & step because neither have seen very positive ones from their parents.  That the relationship is a priority to both of us.  Gregg goes on to say that if he didn't make his marriage a priority, it just sets up further tensions with his wife and well....that leads to further antagonism. He normalizes the marriage.  He makes it a point to make time for the relationship even when his kids are there. 

   "And in order to do that [priority] you have to have respect, you have to show affection, you have to respect your partner’s feelings. And in doing so, I thought it was important that we spend some quality time together, to carve out whatever quality time there is.
It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant. It can just be a walk in the park or date night or whatever other opportunities come along. And we did that not only when the kids weren’t there. I also made it a point to do it when the kids were with us because that’s what parents who haven’t gone through divorce do. (italics/color added) They go out on their own date night, they go out to the movies and they have a babysitter. Why should we not be able to do that just because I’m having my week with my kids? I think it’s perfectly normal."

Statistics back this approach up apparently.  Most re-marriages end up in divorce & according to the article it has a lot to do with whether the household is "kid-centric" vs. "adult-centric".  It ain't easy finding that balance--practice, practice, practice.  And, oh the guilt--it seems to be the biggest issue that divorced fathers inherit.  And it drives them to neglect the one person who will give them the most support....how do you find the balance?  This seems to be the biggest struggle that we have these days. 

deep down true

"I did good," Morgan said, "up till the vows.  Up till the  'death do us part' part.  And I thought, 'He said this same thing to Mom, and he didn't mean it.  How come anyone believes him now?'"

   "He did mean it."

   "Yeah, right," she snorted.  "And look where that got us."

   "Morgan, I'm not going to start defending your father," Dana said quietly. "But I was there 15 years ago when he said it the first time, and I know he meant it.  He had every intention, and so did I.  But sometimes the best of intentions just don't work out.  A lot of times they do, but sometimes they don't."

From deep down true by Juliette Fay

Just finished reading this book & I was quite taken by the above excerpt.  It made me think about when my own folks got divorced. One minute we were this intact family & the next minute, that was blown to bits.  It was pretty tough especially when both my parents were with different people & not each other--children have a hard time with having to give up the idea that their parents won't be "happily ever after."  So when I read this--I was transported back to the day when my dad got remarried & how hard that was for me.  I'm on the other side of that now & I guess I'd kinda forgotten what that was like.  And even though my kid has had a few years to adjust to the idea of mom & dad not together (and thankfully he wasn't at my ex's wedding), I know that it was hard for him to accept someone not his mom at times & not his dad with me.  So why am I talking about all of this?  Well, recently I've been writing about how Xing Fu & I are blending our families together more & more and how well it's been going.  And it has.  I spent Friday evening with him & his kids (my own kid was at his best friend's house) and we had a very nice evening.  

But I guess my message here is to our kids:  I know what it's like to all of a sudden see your parents kiss another person who is not your mom or dad, even if you rarely or ever saw your parents kiss in the first place (extreme unhappiness in a marriage tends to kill those things & kids don't necessarily see the whole picture).  I remember thinking similar thoughts about my dad like the excerpt above.  And the mom's response from the story above is very true--sometimes it is happily ever after & when moms & dads say it the first time they really do mean it.  I know I had the best of intentions when my ex & I first said "I do."  I fought to hold on to our marriage tooth & nail because I didn't want to end up like my parents--but I couldn't anymore & still be me--I hated who I was in my marriage & I knew that I couldn't be in it anymore.  I think if you asked my son if he wishes his mom & dad were back together his initial response would be yes, because everyone wants their parents together.  But very quickly after he thought a minute he'd probably say "No Way!" And then proceed to tell how much easier it is to live with one very happy parent then two who appear to hate each other & never spoke a positive or happy word to each other in his presence anyway--what kind of modeling for positive adult relationships is that?  Now what he sees are two adults who obviously care very deeply for & are very happy with one another--and that's the kind of relationship I want him to model when he gets married.  So yeah, I do have some regret & now it's very fleeting, but I think that the choice I made was definitely for the best, even if at first it is harder on the kids.  Deep down true.*

*Here's a link if you want to buy the book--I highly recommend it:
http://www.amazon.com/Deep-Down-True-Juliette-Fay/dp/014311851X