Vaycay? You Decide!

Last week we all went to the beach for a week.  I mean we ALL went to the beach....all 10 of us!  I have come to appreciate my mom & dad for all the work they did when we were growing up or when, as grown-ups, all of the sisters & their families descended on the house in Lewes for a "few days."  YIKES!!  Here's the break-down: me, Xing Fu, 2 of his daughters, my son, my BFF(J) and her kids (my son's best friend & her daughter), and 2 friends of my stepdaughter's.  I needed a vaycay from my vaycay...just sayin'.  
Top 10 Reasons I Need A Vaycay From My Vacation:
10. Getting up at dawn to make lunch for 10
9. Making 10 wraps with various innards
8. Organizing towels, books, frisbees, sunscreen
7. Packing coolers
6.  Packing car with coolers, beach chairs, bags, books, hats, etc., etc.
5. Apres beach: unpacking coolers, chairs, bags, hats, etc., etc.
4. Grocery shopping!  Everyday!
3. Preparing dinner & cleaning up dinner after the clean-up crew has finished (you know what I mean)
2. Drying towels, bathing suits
1. Evening entertainment: driving to ice cream, boardwalk, shopping, movies, etc., etc.
Additional requirements: cleaning up house after 10 people, making sure nothing is broken, doing laundry: sheets, towels, all dishes clean, putting all bikes, chairs, kayaks, etc. back in storage, locking up, leaving.

Did I say that being on the beach at Cape Henlopen was beautiful?  Absolutely!  Was it great fun?  Indeed!  But when I came home I felt like I'd been working much of the week-whew! I have to say though it was fun to see everyone hanging out, just spending time together.  I enjoyed having the time with my BFF(J), & now, with all of our collective kids being older, not having to be concerned with having to entertain them too much.  We provide the opportunities, but they do the rest.  If we'd done this 7-10 years ago, I think it would have been MUCH harder to do. I'm not complaining, I did have times of relaxation but I'm looking forward to when Xing Fu & I go on vacation--alone!

Tire Marks

This blog seems to have multiple personalities at times.  Sometimes I write about sailing, sometimes about my relationship with Xing Fu, & recently, very often about being a stepmom & how incredibly difficult that is.  Funny, being a mom is definitely difficult & I sometimes think that I've been putting a hell of a lot more effort into being a stepmom than a mom these days--it is a double-edged sword to be sure.  But in all honesty, it seems that this stepmom gig is harder than the mom gig.  Why is that?  Mebbe it has something to do with the fact that my kid loves me & I love him & we've had years to develop our own peculiar brand of disfunction & this relationship is relatively new & before approximately 3 1/2 years ago, neither of us knew the other existed....

But, I keep working on it & sometimes I feel like I'm spinning my wheels & I also think that sometimes I'm pretty under-appreciated for the things that I do as well.  And recently, after really extending myself so much that I gave up some really important BFF time that I kinda needed, to spend a good portion of the day with one skid, I was just so frustrated because I really did feel somewhat under-appreciated.  And, as if by magic, I downloaded the wonderful resource entitled StepMom Magazine and there it was in this month's issue.  The affirmation I was looking for:

"...what commonly happens is that a lot of men feel uncomfortable showing affection to their wives. They don’t get to be with their kids full time and for many of the men I work with, this is a sorrow for them, to not be with their kids full time. What ends up happening is a lot of wives feel thrown under the bus the week that the kids are there and they are not shown the attention or the affection they desire. They are told by their husbands things like, “I get to see you all the time, but I only get to see my kids half the time.”  From: Eyes Wide Open: An Interview with Gregg Ockun
by MARY T. KELLY, M.A.   http://www.stepmommag.com/monthly-issues/

OK, how true is that!!  And boy have I heard it before....and yes, I totally get the missing seeing the kids full time--I know it would be extremely difficult for me (case in point, whenever my kid is away at camp).  But I shouldn't be cast aside like yesterday's newspaper (do they make those anymore??)  & that is how I feel often & particularly when it's their weekend.  And that isn't reality either.  I like the point that was also made about modeling a good marriage & relationship--it is natural & should be demonstrated to all of the kids--bio & step because neither have seen very positive ones from their parents.  That the relationship is a priority to both of us.  Gregg goes on to say that if he didn't make his marriage a priority, it just sets up further tensions with his wife and well....that leads to further antagonism. He normalizes the marriage.  He makes it a point to make time for the relationship even when his kids are there. 

   "And in order to do that [priority] you have to have respect, you have to show affection, you have to respect your partner’s feelings. And in doing so, I thought it was important that we spend some quality time together, to carve out whatever quality time there is.
It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant. It can just be a walk in the park or date night or whatever other opportunities come along. And we did that not only when the kids weren’t there. I also made it a point to do it when the kids were with us because that’s what parents who haven’t gone through divorce do. (italics/color added) They go out on their own date night, they go out to the movies and they have a babysitter. Why should we not be able to do that just because I’m having my week with my kids? I think it’s perfectly normal."

Statistics back this approach up apparently.  Most re-marriages end up in divorce & according to the article it has a lot to do with whether the household is "kid-centric" vs. "adult-centric".  It ain't easy finding that balance--practice, practice, practice.  And, oh the guilt--it seems to be the biggest issue that divorced fathers inherit.  And it drives them to neglect the one person who will give them the most support....how do you find the balance?  This seems to be the biggest struggle that we have these days. 

Another Great Weekend

We tend to write this in an email after every weekend we spend together--obviously a very good thing but it brings me to the idea of appreciation.  I ran across a little snippet about strengthening your relationship with your significant other.  It read:

Get In Your Head

To be happy with your husband, you may have to re-train your brain, says Achor. For 21 days in a row, write down one new thing you're grateful for about your husband. "Research shows that by the end of those three weeks, you will have taught your brain to be more appreciative and loving toward your mate," she says.

We already to this to some degree is what I wrote in an email this morning.  Even if Xing Fu tries to drown me, or knock me out with the boom, he does not blow off the little advice blurbs I send him.  He treats them with respect & recognizes how much we both work to keep our relationship a strong & healthy one.  To that end I certainly appreciate the effort we both put forth--it shows a deep commitment to each other.  And we're going to give it a try without being redundant.  My first one: 

I appreciate that you treat these little relationship advice snippets that I find & send seriously & not just "humor" me.

And I wonder, looking at the recent failure of a relationship that an acquaintance of mine had blow up in her face, if we're the lucky ones.  Of course, she had it coming--hatred spewing people cannot find others who will find them positive, loving people--if you hate, you will see Karma come right back atcha'--how can you have a loving relationship with anyone when you exude such anger & negativity?

I also like to think that for the most part my friends' relationships & marriages are also ones that show deep appreciation--they seem to--this weekend demonstrated that as we all descended on BFF(J)'s house on the water for an impromptu BBQ--

Appreciation

On Sunday Xing Fu tried to off me...

Yep, I was trimming the jib during a race & I was grinding in when all of a sudden we were scuppers in the water & me, well I was almost up to my waist--at least one leg was.  Xing Fu was on main & had forgotten the traveller so we were heeled way over.  And then later, since he didn't get rid of me that way-- He hit me with the boom...tenacious aren't I??

But, I appreciate the attempt--but I appreciate this even more:

"I asked my girlfriend: How did your dad show your mom that he loved her? Her response: "Ceaseless appreciation of everything she did for him. He treated everything she did as if it were a surprise, as if it were the first time he'd ever had her chili or smelled her perfume. He noted every routine kindness. And he loved her the same way, consistently."  

From Esquire


From Xing Fu:   "Looking at my tie earlier today, I smiled at your helping me trim the thread. A loving gesture."  

"I hope we always smile together",  is what I wrote back.

He says these things to me a lot.  Just makes me remember the dating mishaps & how I always had hope that the right person was out there for me & that through it all I'd always kept a positive attitude.  

How great that I have a man who isn't afraid to share his appreciation with me & how incredible is it that he loves to sail.  He may exasperate me sometimes, piss me off, & frustrate me too, but he is, as we approach the year & a half mark, my best friend--I am thankful for all that he does to enhance my life.  Yikes, am I a mushy one right now!