Way-Extended Mishpocheh

I had a very interesting weekend--took/taking a couple days to process & I think it was overall a good one.  Xing Fu's dad & stepmother came in from Texas to spend the weekend with Xing Fu, his kids, me, & my son.  Talk about blending a family.  It was the first time that they met me & my son--that was nerve-wracking just by itself. But it was a learning experience to be sure.  It was also good to learn a little bit about the father of the man I am planning to spend the rest of my life with. I can say that he is spartan (an austere air about him) in his approach--I think Xing Fu is as well--this is not necessarily a criticism--but I see that he comes by it honestly.   I think I am still processing that a bit--but the time spent with everyone was a good one & my son made me proud by being affable & genuinely involved. 

On Sunday, we drove down to DC to visit Xing Fu's oldest at college--we needed two cars so I had one of his kids on the way down & both on the way back (my son was with his aunt (my former sister-in-law)). We had lunch, visited the campus & drove back.  It was a very nice afternoon & I think everyone enjoyed the time together.  Later, we would all have dinner together including my kid.  But first he had to come back from his aunt's house--he had spent Sunday at her boyfriend's music shop--he just loves going there & playing all of the guitars.  So I asked my former SIL if she'd drop him off at Xing Fu's place.  She said sure & now we have a convoluted mess of a mishpocheh...My ex's sister, my son, & Xing Fu's kids, dad & stepmom.  It is kinda cool--my former SIL knows Xing Fu & now his dad & his kids--how strange is that?  My mom says that it's a good thing that everyone is willing & interested to be involved with one another--mebbe eventually I'll get to know Xing Fu's ex's family too--it would be nice if everyone figured it all out & developed a positive relationship--if my SIL, Xing Fu, & I can do this, (and my parents who are also quite fond of my SIL), then I think we all can.  That is my hope for the future--that all of the sides of the families can spend time together in some capacity.

Many Tentacles

Nope, not like this!

Blending is difficult--I think mixing is better--"Shaken, not stirred" kinda describes what it is like to smoosh families together.  Here we are, two separate formerly intact families with our own histories, ups & downs, trials & tribulations, interactive scripts, etc., & now the shake-up: the two families are expected to blend into a new family unit.  HAH!  In fact, an article in the New York Times talks about how truly unrealistic it is:

"The old, Brady Bunch stepfamily model — the so-called “blended family” — has long been out of favor. Indeed, the term is almost universally loathed by family therapists for the unrealistic expectations it promotes of previously unrelated children blending harmoniously with one another and a new adult, and the disjunction between that rosy vision and the more prickly reality that is stepfamily life." --Penelope Green 11/17/10
The article goes on to say that with "blended families", & really any other non-traditional family,  "there’s not one container for this new, many-tentacled thing called 'a family'.”  I concur--and we are learning to make it work daily.

I spent the second half of my vacay with Xing Fu & his kids more or less living with them & it was certainly a good dress rehearsal for the real thing--except that my kid wasn't there--that will be the real test--when all of us are in the house together.  I guess that won't really happen until we move but at least the days together were an opportunity to see what it all may be like.  Again, coming off the week, Xing Fu remarked that he felt it was a great success & I suppose that it was, for us at least, as he stated.  It was certainly far more difficult for his kids--sharing his attention.  I think my son is used to sharing my attention by now as he has had to do so longer than Xing Fu's children--for them it is still an adjustment.  But it is getting easier I think as the weekends go on & I continue to be a significant part of his weekends with his kids.  And I think it is important to continue to do so, so that when the inevitable move occurs, no one will be in a state of shock & awe.  We are no Brady Bunch that is for sure--even when, during one of the first times both of our families were together, one of Xing Fu's kids said that it was like the Brady Bunch & now they had a brother!  Yeah, we'll see how having a brother goes over when they have to deal with stinky socks....

Missed Posts

Been crazy-busy the past few days & just haven't had time to post.  I suppose that is a good thing.  In fact I've missed my annual December 23rd post with the horoscope, my annual lunch with Xing Fu, & what happened over Christmas.  So instead I am posting today's horoscope:

Today's Cancer Horoscope from Cafe Astrology

December 28, 2011

Interactions with others can be intense today and early tomorrow, dear Cancer, but consider whether you are unwittingly stimulating these reactions in others by denying your own role in power plays or other complicated interplays. You may feel you are the innocent party, but are you instigating without realizing it? Consider all angles because today, the power of projection is strong. It can be all too easy to see in others what you are trying to avoid knowing about yourself. With self-honesty, this can be a strong day for taking a relationship to a new level, and for insight into finances.

Interesting tidbit about insight into finances--I happen to be working on financial aid for my kiddo's school...go figure.  The other stuff--not so sure about--as I am sitting here filling out forms & reviewing tax docs there really isn't much interplay with others currently.  


But Xing Fu & I did go to lunch on the 23rd & we did take my son to see Tin Tin in 3-D (and no, this doesn't count as dinner & a movie date because we took my son) on Xmas & then we had dinner at a Chinese restaurant--Ah, Jewish Christmas at its very best--And oy, was it crowded!  Looking back on previous years' posts for these dates, my life certainly has changed and increasingly for the better. So onward we march to the end of 2011--the next few days will be interesting: my kid is visiting with his father until New Year's Eve day, & Xing Fu's kids will be with him (and me) for a few days--hopefully we will have time to again work on blending our families like this past summer when we were at the beach.  To that end, we had a very nice dinner on the 23rd with all of the children & did a gift exchange--we both felt that it was a big success.  Always a chance to test how all the children are doing with each other & with us as we meld.  Check-in for the end of the year: pretty damn good!

Where Did I Go?

Ok, so I've been MIA for a while--not necessarily a bad thing.  With the sailing season in full motion--Screwpile is coming up starting on Sunday--Xing Fu is sailing with Bump... which is always fun, and a bunch of parties including my buddy's (Baltimore Diary) pig roast (that I'll actually get to go to this year), a Peter Frampton concert (yeah, not my typical fare--guess whose??), my kid spending a week on the Schooner Sultana, & very shortly off for a month at summer camp, oh, & work too, I've lost track of time.   I can't believe that we're already in July & that tomorrow is my birthday!  I also can't believe that I'll be 44--I just don't feel that old....I can hear my sister now--"You are that old..."

This summer has been nonstop--just days after Screwpile, Xing Fu & I are taking off with his kids to the beach--yup, my kid will not be with us (camp).  That part will be quite strange.  But a week at the beach without my family & with my man is something new--something I've been looking forward to--I rarely take a vacation.  I think the last real vaycay was to Amsterdam two years ago--wow--it's been two years already!  I'm looking forward to a pause in the action--a time to just breathe & regroup--plus being by the ocean is always a good place for me to be.  And with Xing Fu...'nuff said.

And, contrary to all the stuff I've seen written about blending families (jealousies, obnoxious kids, the ex-factors & a thousand other nasties that I've read about), things continue to go really well with our kids & us.  I even received some texts from one of Xing Fu's kids today--for some reason that was the best affirmation that things are going well--that familiarity & comfort in being able to text me--cool.

The Loyalty Question

As always a busy weekend.  And believe it or not, I wasn't sailing....in fact, for the first time I missed the Miles River Race & of course the weather, wind,etc., was perfect...sigh.  Regardless, I had a good weekend with Xing Fu, his mom, his kids, & my kid.  And, it was my BFF(J)'s annual Day Before Memorial Day party & I was able to see a bunch of friends that I don't see all that often these days--so a good time despite not racing--there will be many more Miles races I'm sure....but to the point of the post:

I have been reading a bunch of "divorced with children & blending families" books these days & for the most part they are all full of dire predictions of hardship--jealousies, loyalty issues, & just down-right meanness. This weekend could have been a disaster because of all of those kinds of things--we had a lot of activities planned for all of us--Saturday we went strawberry picking at Larriland Farm http://www.pickyourown.com/ --great fun & the strawberries to die for--there is nothing like picking a ripe, juicy strawberry off the plant, warmed in the sun, & popping it in your mouth--amazing.  We gathered a ton of them--good thing we had a party to go to--great dessert.  I am also planning to make a couple strawberry-rhubarb pies--Xing Fu's kids' request so it appears that they will not go to waste. But I digress--the different activities--after strawberries I took two of Xing Fu's kids & my own to my kid's soccer game.  Here was an opportunity again for boredom, disaster, any number of things but it went very well--despite my kid's team getting trounced.  Dinner with all of us also pitfalls & then the big party on Sunday.   

Throughout all of this I kept thinking about the Loyalty question.  What's that?  Well, in ALL of the books there is always a section about the children's loyalty to their mother.  They don't want to like the "step" mom so they are undermining, manipulative & sometimes mean.  Especially if they do like the stepmom.  And according to Xing Fu, his kids really do like me--a lot.  So here I am waiting for the other shoe to drop & it hasn't.  Which is great!  I hope it never happens because I am very fond of them too.

It's On!

So much has gone on recently in so many facets of my life.  Of course, my brain has been hooked into sailing--Wednesday night series down on the West River starts tonight--I will be on a non-spin boat this week & next I'll be up in Annapolis on my regular ride for the AYC Wednesday series.   My brain has been so hooked by sailing that when I was at Bed, Bath, & Beyond with BFF(A), I bought sailboat sheets-printed with charts & sailboats--Xing Fu said something about "charting those waters" & then turned bright red last Saturday night at BFF(J)'s house.  Cracked all of us up.  But seriously, I can hear my son saying to me when he comes home Thursday from Florida & seeing the sheets, "Obessed much, mom?"  Guilty as charged.

Also, spending more time with Xing Fu's children.  It was a weird feeling to drop my own child off at the airport (first time traveling alone--I stood at security until he got through--at least his gate was D1, closest to security) & then take on three others.  It was an intense weekend but not in a bad way.  I've been reading a few books lately, one called Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin has been pretty interesting. Not sure that I agree with everything that I'm reading (only a third through it) & I'm not a stepmother in the true sense of the word, but I am the woman in their father's life & that has an entire raft of potential pitfalls, etc.  I think we are going about it all in a very good way so far--carefully, talking about all of the possible outcomes as best we can & he tells me that his kids like me--very good, so perhaps one of the most difficult situations in family-life will work out for us.

Another part of all this has been that all of our kids are away this week & we've been spending a lot more time together--it's been good--in some ways better than when we were last at the beach--for whatever reason, we have covered a lot of ground & looked at some of our sticking points--it has made us closer. 

And I have the week off--WOOHOO!

Whir, Whir, Blend

Families are a fragile thing.  As we continue to "normalize" the two families I feel like a quiet acceptance has arisen from all of the children--it's not a bad one like a sigh of resignation.  More like an, "OK, so this is what this blended family thing can be & it's ain't so bad."  All of us are participating in the March Madness bracket pool--so far Xing Fu & I are tied--damn Syracuse for losing to Marquette--I would've been in the lead!  

However, the best feeling came when Xing Fu told me that his youngest wanted him to call me to see what I was up to on Saturday evening & invite me over---words cannot begin to describe how that makes me feel. It has been a tough year for his kids in particular & to begin to feel a part of their normal weekend is huge.  I remember describing how I felt like I was the man behind the curtain like in The Wizard of Oz. I am glad that I no longer feel that way & I hope his kids are becoming much more comfortable with my presence as well as my son's.  My son joined me on Saturday over at Xing Fu's for dinner.  Last night I had everyone over for Navarin d'agneau (Spring Lamb Stew).  His kids said that eating at my house was an adventure because they will always have something they've never eaten before--their horizons are being expanded.  I like that they see that--that I'm contributing to their lives in some way that they hadn't had before.  I also enjoyed watching the interaction between Xing Fu & his kids--they crack me up--Dad is so NOT cool!  Funny....

deep down true

"I did good," Morgan said, "up till the vows.  Up till the  'death do us part' part.  And I thought, 'He said this same thing to Mom, and he didn't mean it.  How come anyone believes him now?'"

   "He did mean it."

   "Yeah, right," she snorted.  "And look where that got us."

   "Morgan, I'm not going to start defending your father," Dana said quietly. "But I was there 15 years ago when he said it the first time, and I know he meant it.  He had every intention, and so did I.  But sometimes the best of intentions just don't work out.  A lot of times they do, but sometimes they don't."

From deep down true by Juliette Fay

Just finished reading this book & I was quite taken by the above excerpt.  It made me think about when my own folks got divorced. One minute we were this intact family & the next minute, that was blown to bits.  It was pretty tough especially when both my parents were with different people & not each other--children have a hard time with having to give up the idea that their parents won't be "happily ever after."  So when I read this--I was transported back to the day when my dad got remarried & how hard that was for me.  I'm on the other side of that now & I guess I'd kinda forgotten what that was like.  And even though my kid has had a few years to adjust to the idea of mom & dad not together (and thankfully he wasn't at my ex's wedding), I know that it was hard for him to accept someone not his mom at times & not his dad with me.  So why am I talking about all of this?  Well, recently I've been writing about how Xing Fu & I are blending our families together more & more and how well it's been going.  And it has.  I spent Friday evening with him & his kids (my own kid was at his best friend's house) and we had a very nice evening.  

But I guess my message here is to our kids:  I know what it's like to all of a sudden see your parents kiss another person who is not your mom or dad, even if you rarely or ever saw your parents kiss in the first place (extreme unhappiness in a marriage tends to kill those things & kids don't necessarily see the whole picture).  I remember thinking similar thoughts about my dad like the excerpt above.  And the mom's response from the story above is very true--sometimes it is happily ever after & when moms & dads say it the first time they really do mean it.  I know I had the best of intentions when my ex & I first said "I do."  I fought to hold on to our marriage tooth & nail because I didn't want to end up like my parents--but I couldn't anymore & still be me--I hated who I was in my marriage & I knew that I couldn't be in it anymore.  I think if you asked my son if he wishes his mom & dad were back together his initial response would be yes, because everyone wants their parents together.  But very quickly after he thought a minute he'd probably say "No Way!" And then proceed to tell how much easier it is to live with one very happy parent then two who appear to hate each other & never spoke a positive or happy word to each other in his presence anyway--what kind of modeling for positive adult relationships is that?  Now what he sees are two adults who obviously care very deeply for & are very happy with one another--and that's the kind of relationship I want him to model when he gets married.  So yeah, I do have some regret & now it's very fleeting, but I think that the choice I made was definitely for the best, even if at first it is harder on the kids.  Deep down true.*

*Here's a link if you want to buy the book--I highly recommend it:
http://www.amazon.com/Deep-Down-True-Juliette-Fay/dp/014311851X

Scary Monster

Last post I talked about how I sometimes felt we were stagnated regarding moving our families together.  After writing that post I fretted a bit about broaching the topic with Xing Fu--he is very sensitive to his kids' ability to handle these changes & he has been pretty reluctant to move forward sometimes.  But I decided to talk to him about it as we'd already planned a small activity on Sunday leading up to dinner on Sunday evening.  Happily he was receptive to my ideas & so on Saturday evening I went to his place & spent a quiet evening with him & his kids.  I think it went quite well, actually.  I brought a couple games with me: Bananagrams & Anomia.  I want to think that I'm not coming off as trying too hard but I felt that having something to do rather than just sitting & watching TV was important.  At first just he & I played & then everyone else got in on the act.  I hope everyone else felt similarly; that it was successful--Xing Fu did, so that was certainly key.

On Sunday we took a little time in the afternoon to go geocaching--just with one of his kids as the rest of ours were otherwise occupado.  It was great fun & I think again bridged the gap from stranger to I hope, at least friend.  When this all began, I felt that I was this big, scary monster to his kids--and perhaps I was--but as we've integrated things more & more, it is getting easier--I just hope we are able to continue the forward momentum.  I don't think there's any going back to the scary monster--I just hope that we all continue to grow together...and perhaps grow fond of one another.

Been reading some advice columns on blending families & thus far it seems that Xing Fu & I are on the right track..I know that it won't always be easy, & it hasn't but I feel very positive about how we're doing.  My mom even said that she was impressed with our very thoughtful approach to a very challenging & certainly one of the most important aspects of our lives--she said that she felt that the way she did it was not the greatest--I would agree.  Which is why I want to make sure I don't repeat the mistakes that she made--but together, we won't.

Blending & Bending

Other choices have been whirling around recently as well--more like frustrations in some ways.  Xing Fu & I have been working to, to use the vernacular, "blend" our families more.  There are choices on how to go about doing it.  It has been a very slow process  (he'd say that it has been timed just right).  I guess my kid is better able to adjust--perhaps because he's had more years since my divorce or because his father pretty much just shoved his new family in his face without even attempting to blend gradually.  Either way, he's been in a good place regarding Xing Fu's presence in our home & lives for the past year.  I know that in the case of my own parents' divorces & subsequent remarriages, they did it all wrong. All of a sudden, there were these new people--no discussion, no gradual coming to terms--they were just there--it totally sucked & both Xing Fu & I are determined that will not happen in our situation & it really hasn't.  Good. 

Anyway, we are certainly moving forward but I sometimes think his choices of pacing things stagnates a bit.  Generally what we've done thus far has gone very well--but our opportunities bringing our separate families together have been more like events & not the normal comings & goings of life.  What I'd like to see is less of that black & white degree of separation & more of shades of gray.  Activities together for sure but what about the quiet evening at home just chilling?  If he has his kids that weekend, if there's nothing specific going on, why not spend a quiet evening together?  Some of the kids may be around & others may be out with friends--the normal flow of a weekend.  Currently, as I am the sole parent for my son, my ex being in another state, the ebb & flow of our weekend when Xing Fu does not have his kids is just like that at my house.  My son may be home, may be at a friend's house or the friend may be here while Xing Fu is with me.  Nothing special, no event.  I guess that I feel a bit isolated from him when he has the kids & would like us (my son & I ) to be more involved in some ways. 

"Also, as the biological parent, recognize that you have a bond with your child that your partner does not share. This can leave him or her feeling isolated. Be sensitive to this and try to include your partner in daily routines as much as possible. Be sure to find activities that you all enjoy doing together."  

This is an excerpt from an article from the University of Florida entitled Couples Considering a Blended Family by Kate Fogarty, Millie Ferrer, and Sara McCrea.

Kinda where I am right now--I don't want to spend an ENTIRE WEEKEND smooshed together...just a portion...I want to normalize something that has been anything but normal for about a year now--slowly, absolutely, but not stagnated.