Switching Shoes

Here I sit with about 5 different story lines for this post revving through my head.  It's nice to have ideas but I'm just not sure which one to go with.  I guess I can start with the cool stuff--I hadn't posted about this before but I was Top 5 in both of my categories for the Mobbies.  How cool is that?  Unless all two of my readers voted for me everyday & that's what I'm seeing.  Or, I actually have a little readership & that there are people out there who like what I have to say--or laugh uproariously at my stoopidity....regardless, thanks to everyone who did vote for this blog to catapult me from anonymity right up to Number 4 in Lifestyle out of 34 & 5th out of 36 in the Personal.  Awesome!! 

OK, so as usual, what started off as a step in the right direction invariably got flushed down the "terlit" by the end of the weekend.  Eventually, we need to figure this thing out--that it's tough to be on eggshells all weekend; afraid of making a squeak, let alone allowing some steam to be seen coming out my ears.  And that communication just breaks down because I get strident & he gets passive-aggressive & I end up looking like a dope; bad person in front of his youngest.  I so do not want her to have that kind of information to store away & share with sisters & BM so as to provide them with the appropriate schadenfreude.  It is embarrassing & by the time I realize that I've been played the ultimate in passive-aggressive non-communication, I'm in the thick of it.  All of this because I needed affirmation that I'm important to him even when his darlings are inhabiting our house for the weekend.  Don't ask why, please just appreciate that it is needed.  And so, I've done a little research & this is what I came up with:


Put yourself in your partner’s shoes. By understanding their background (and baggage)you develop a sense of why they feel the way they feel. This understanding opens up the opportunity to validate your partner’s feelings by saying, “I understand why you feel that way. I understand why that would hurt or upset you, and I apologize.” Sometimes, oftentimes, our partners just want to be heard and/or understood. I think this is one of guys’ most common communication mistakes. Women want acknowledgement, guys want to prove their point – which makes men oblivious to the obvious – ladies want that emotional validation. (Marcus Osborne-Your Tango) http://www.yourtango.com/experts/galtime-com/communication-hard-why

Putting yourself in the other's shoes is very difficult but perhaps eventually we will be able to do it.  All I can say is that in this instance I needed some affirmation & I didn't get it.  It happens a lot when the skids are around & it makes me less likely to be an understanding & more resilient GF--perhaps Xing Fu may want to put himself in my shoes in this particular circumstance & just do it. 

It All Started With The Who

I am a Who fan.  I have been for, like, ever.  On Tuesday one of the coolest things happened, besides having awesome seats to see The Who, was that I shared the experience with my boy, who I also turned into a huge Who fan & Xing Fu, who being another huge Who fan, was how we started it all.  But first things first.  I must give credit to my 6th grade best friend's uncle who turned me on to the Who when I was an impressionable lass of 12.  Way back in '79.....

Now, I also had a crush on him--he was only 15 himself (don't ask about the uncle thingy...but it's true, he was my 12 year old best friend's uncle).  And I definitely worshiped the ground he walked on, puka beads & all (it was the 70s, yeesh!).  He had this cool attic "tree house" that he'd rigged for stereo sound & it was there, in the throes of pre-teen lust, that I fell for the Who (and the uncle too). He played me Pinball Wizard in its entirety, & that was it...done.  I was a convert & from there, well, My Generation, I Can't Explain, Quadrophenia.....followed until I had amassed every single Who album known to man & some bootlegs too.  The uncle was soon out of the picture but my love for the band that he also loved remains.  To this day, I still think that The Who is my favorite band in the world, even if Pete & Roger are close to my mom's age & can't quite windmill as well, twirl the microphone 10 feet in the air, & don't destroy guitars anymore...so what, their voices are surprisingly still pretty damn good. 

Cut to present time, or about 4 years ago.  I had just started sailing again & was bringing my son with me for Wednesday races on the West River.  If you go back in the blog archives there's a lot about getting back into racing down there. Anyway, after racing, the crew would have dinner together & one evening I sat near one of the guys who appeared to be around my age--turns out that it was Xing Fu but at the time, he was just another dude that I sailed with.  We got to talking & found out that we were around the same age & had kids & after a bit of that kind of exchange we also found out that we both loved The Who. We talked about which albums we liked & continued to have a great convo about music.  And from that point on, we would sit at the table together after racing & talk about music.  He became my "Music Buddy" & then, well...here we are almost 3 years later going to see the band that started it all before we were an us.  WOO WHO!

Winterfest

As most of my two readers knows, I rarely write much about my work on this blog--this is a forum mostly about my personal trials & tribulations.  But I wanted to take the time to talk a little about where I work & the children I work for.  I work in a Baltimore City elementary school.  It is a small school & we often fly way under the radar (we actually like it that way) & rarely get noticed. Like most of the schools in the city, we are entirely a Title One school--many children come from poorer households & we do what we can to supplement the community.  For example, we have a food bank, & we have many organizations who volunteer their time to help our students in the classroom & outside in the community.  

Every year our school hosts a Winterfest for the students & their families & this year is no exception except that one of our major donors is unable to help in the manner that they used to.  In the past they donated toys, books, games, & craft kits so that every child would go home with a present.  In fact, they donated Santa Claus too.  But this year, with the economy the way it is, the organization is just unable to do as much.  A few of us on staff have posted on facebook the following:

"Hoping some of you may be able to help. I work in an amazing school in Baltimore City. Every year we have a Winterfest where kids have fun, food and games. Every child is given a gift to ensure they get at least one gift for the holidays. However, this year the agency that sponsors us is under financial constraints. If anyone is able to buy a gift or gifts please message me. Thank you." 

Within minutes I received numerous offers to help.  I am grateful that many of my friends & family are able to help the students in my school even when some of these folks are facing the same financial constraints.  Usually, I am rather disenfranchised with the whole holiday thingy which appears to begin these days the day after Halloween with ads already for Black Friday.  The consumerism just makes me quite ill.  This year, seeing the response that I have so far received, I am taken with most folks' generosity & willingness to step right up to the plate. Thank you to all of you who are willing to help my school's children receive a gift for the holidays.  

The Space Between

Take my hand
'cause we're walking out of here
Right out of here
Is all we need dear
The space between
What's wrong and right

Is where you'll find me hiding waiting for you
The space between your heart and mind
Is the space we'll fill with time
The space between
The tears we cry is the laughter keeps us coming back for more

--Dave Matthews The Space Between

I've read a lot of interpretations of this song but I always come back to the evening that Xing Fu & I were alone in the house, sitting on the couch listening to this song after we'd had a bit of a stubborn, line-in-the-sand struggle. And both of us are very stubborn people.  The lines that Xing Fu said to me were the most meaningful: "The space between your heart & mind is the space we'll fill with time."  Time--we talk about it a lot--how to get our families to a place where we are comfortable & have love for one another.  Anyone who tells you that they loved their stepfamily from the start is delusional at best.  And also, like a new marriage, we need time to fill our relationship with the laughter as we negotiate our differences.  Even if we have our stubborn differences, and the children will witness them, we are modeling how to resolve them as a couple.  We both have failed that before & the last thing we want to do is fail again.  We want our children to see that two adults can have a positive and lasting relationship--filling the space between with joy, love, & even tears & pain.  That's life. I came across this article on yahoo yesterday that has a lot of good pointers towards building a lasting marriage:

http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/10-habits-keep-marriages-strong-150300067.html 

I showed it to Xing Fu & he liked them all but especially the part at the end regarding the little things: "What really matters is all the small stuff that adds up, such as being there for each other when one needs to vent, or noticing when he needs a hug, or making him his favorite meal just because. 'It's also giving up on the idea that you have to feel in love all the time. Marriage is about trust and commitment and knowing each other,' says Wilk. 'That's what love is.'" Time will get us there.

***Now, everyone take the time to exercise your right as a US citizen & go vote!  And if you are in Maryland (and I usually don't endorse any political viewpoint but I feel VERY strongly about this one) Vote for Question 6--let love marry!!!

Rookie Mistake

“Stepfamilies, too, fall victim TO THEIR OWN VERSION OF PARTISAN POLITICS. By virtue of coming into a family once formed and since dissolved, a stepmother, in many ways, has the odds stacked against her.”  ~STACY SPENCER THOMPSON  Stepmom Magazine

Ok, so it seems that I’ve made a mistake.  Here’s the story:  My BFF(J) plays guitar with a few folks & is performing at a Woodhall Winery  tonight.  On Tuesday she asked if Xing Fu & I wanted to go see her performance at the winery.  I told her that I’d find out what was going on this weekend & get back to her—I knew that Xing Fu’s daughters would be there this weekend but one would be away & the other has a very active social life so I was pretty sure she’d be out with her friends too & we wouldn’t see her for a good portion of the weekend as usual.  I came home on Tuesday after picking my kid up with the skids already there & said to Xing Fu that BFF(J) wanted us to come see her play Friday night.  Somehow, that translated to one step daughter as, “Get lost, we don’t want you around on Friday!”  Not sure how that happened exactly because that certainly wasn’t my message or intent.  It was more like, “I know that usually everyone is doing something Friday night—out with friends, etc., so why don’t we go support my BFF(J) at a cool winery?”  So my assumption was incorrect, but usually it is true—most of the offspring have something planned & often Xing Fu & I are alone on Friday evenings. So now I feel like an evil stepmother & I guess they think that I don’t want them around—not true.  I suppose from now on I need to not make innocent announcements out loud in front of the skids in case they get offended & skew my intent.  If this were a normal family dynamic, it would never have mattered.  When will I learn?  It wasn’t intentional but I guess I’m punished now.  When you look outside in the backyard—that’s me in the doghouse.  Bad stepmother!  Bad!

You Don't Look a Day Over 4

Boyfriend, Please! We've Been Together 4 Years!

How is it possible that I missed my "Blogoversary"? Could it have something to do with hurricane SANDY??? That's it--memorable!   Eh, mebbe except that thus far, fingers crossed, eyes crossed, toes crossed, we still have power here in our little space in Towson.  Instead, I was being domestic since I was off of work--baking bread; pumpkin beer bread (used Guiness)  & banana bread.  Wow! What a change from 4 years ago!  My life has done a complete 180 from the beginning of this blog which was inspired by a bad break-up, to living in a new house that I bought with my boyfriend! In fact, I haven't visited Ok Cupid, Match, eHarmony, J-date (NOT for sailors who want to date other J-boat sailors) etc., since the end of 2009.  Ok, I think I may have gone to OK Cupid to show Xing Fu since he had no need to try the online route & was online-dating curious. But since then, nuffin'. And I like not playing with the on-line stuff....generally, there is no longing to meet ex-preachers with 11 kids for a Telesma Solstice concert anymore.  Although, I wouldn't trade some of the whacked-out experiences I've had--just makes me appreciate my new domestic, blended family & the new adventures in stepmom-land and since I'm still not married....Boyfriend, Please! still works.  But if I continue to get, "So, (pregnant pause) when are you & Xing Fu going to get married?", I may have to go get business cards made that say:

             "No, we aren't getting married.
                 No, not anytime soon.
                 Yes, we like it this way.
                 Yes, many couples who don't marry do
                 Better Together."

Ah, co-habitating bliss! 

And last but not least, it is time for you to go vote for my blog.  You can do this everyday from yesterday to November 8th.  Here's the link: http://data.baltimoresun.com/mobbies/2012/voting/rb-vote-kit.php

That wonderful rag, The Baltimore Sun is sponsoring the Mobbies: Maryland's Outstanding Blogs. So go vote for me in the Lifestyle & Personal blog categories--no money but bragging rights! What a great blogoversary present--it's a gift that keeps giving!

Baltimore Racing & Mobbies

Been a busy few weeks but I've managed to escape to Annapolis most weekends to sail.  The season in winding down & it is depressing--I have to accept that summer is over!  But, one more race this weekend & believe it or not, it's up in Baltimore!  I'm very excited by this because I NEVER get to race in Baltimore. See the link:
http://www.bcya.com/hcup/index.htm

And even better both Xing Fu & my kid will be sailing with me!  The best of all worlds! What an awesome way to end my racing season.  Actually, there is one more race that I'll be in--it is the Left-over Bowl the Saturday after Thanksgiving--all of the left-over & unclaimed prizes from the summer are up for grabs depending upon how you finish the race--fun! But I am really looking forward to the regatta this Saturday & will enjoy racing in waters that I grew up on--I will be channeling my grandfather & hope he's looking down from the great ocean in the sky as I race towards the Key Bridge....

On to the fun--Sunday was a Spooky Wine tasting party at my friend C's house in Annapolis--it was great to see a lot of our sailing friends & the wines were very good--of course after a while they all kinda blended together--even I had to admit by that point that the Merlots even tasted good!  Me? Merlot? Bleh!!
But here is a picture of some of what we had:

 And today I found out that this blog was nominated for a "Mobbie"; the Baltimore Sun's contest for Maryland's outstanding blogs.  How cool is that?  So everyone vote for this blog starting October 29th.  All two of my readers!