Switching Shoes

Here I sit with about 5 different story lines for this post revving through my head.  It's nice to have ideas but I'm just not sure which one to go with.  I guess I can start with the cool stuff--I hadn't posted about this before but I was Top 5 in both of my categories for the Mobbies.  How cool is that?  Unless all two of my readers voted for me everyday & that's what I'm seeing.  Or, I actually have a little readership & that there are people out there who like what I have to say--or laugh uproariously at my stoopidity....regardless, thanks to everyone who did vote for this blog to catapult me from anonymity right up to Number 4 in Lifestyle out of 34 & 5th out of 36 in the Personal.  Awesome!! 

OK, so as usual, what started off as a step in the right direction invariably got flushed down the "terlit" by the end of the weekend.  Eventually, we need to figure this thing out--that it's tough to be on eggshells all weekend; afraid of making a squeak, let alone allowing some steam to be seen coming out my ears.  And that communication just breaks down because I get strident & he gets passive-aggressive & I end up looking like a dope; bad person in front of his youngest.  I so do not want her to have that kind of information to store away & share with sisters & BM so as to provide them with the appropriate schadenfreude.  It is embarrassing & by the time I realize that I've been played the ultimate in passive-aggressive non-communication, I'm in the thick of it.  All of this because I needed affirmation that I'm important to him even when his darlings are inhabiting our house for the weekend.  Don't ask why, please just appreciate that it is needed.  And so, I've done a little research & this is what I came up with:


Put yourself in your partner’s shoes. By understanding their background (and baggage)you develop a sense of why they feel the way they feel. This understanding opens up the opportunity to validate your partner’s feelings by saying, “I understand why you feel that way. I understand why that would hurt or upset you, and I apologize.” Sometimes, oftentimes, our partners just want to be heard and/or understood. I think this is one of guys’ most common communication mistakes. Women want acknowledgement, guys want to prove their point – which makes men oblivious to the obvious – ladies want that emotional validation. (Marcus Osborne-Your Tango) http://www.yourtango.com/experts/galtime-com/communication-hard-why

Putting yourself in the other's shoes is very difficult but perhaps eventually we will be able to do it.  All I can say is that in this instance I needed some affirmation & I didn't get it.  It happens a lot when the skids are around & it makes me less likely to be an understanding & more resilient GF--perhaps Xing Fu may want to put himself in my shoes in this particular circumstance & just do it. 

Caution: Merge ahead

Our move is only 3 days away & we've all been crammed into Xing Fu's smallish condo since last Saturday--tensions are bound to crop up as we try to figure all of this out.  It is a very good thing that we're going to move to a completely new space together when we merge our families--no one has territorial connections & we have to all start from scratch.  Because while we're living at Xing Fu's we're not in our own space & boy can I tell you about territorialism! This past weekend, Xing Fu's children's little dog (about the size of our cat), came to the condo with the girls.  This is what ensued:

 My cat flipped out!  I think we made a tactical error by having the dog here in such a smallish space.  The poor cat hid for most of the weekend & still is off his feed.  Poor cat--we've managed to rock his little world twice in the space of one week--he never knew what hit him....

I think my son & I are grieving a little bit for our house.  I think for different reasons but we're grieving nonetheless. I think that's one thing going through my kid's head--this just ain't his space.  Plus he's no longer an "only" child.  Now he'll be third of four.  Instant siblings!  And, for quite a few years now, it's only been him & me--no other adult to have to contend with--that's gotta rock someone's world to be sure! All this thrust upon him plus moving has got to be tough--I'm just trying to normalize it for him.  But he is feeling it acutely. As a result, I've been doing a little research on blended families & this is what I came up with from Helpguide.org & the authors:Gina Kemp, M.A., Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., and Lawrence Robinson. :

• Changes in family relationships. If both parents remarry partners with existing families, it can mean children suddenly find themselves with different roles in two blended families. For example, one child may be the eldest in one stepfamily but the youngest in the other. Blending families may also mean one child loses his or her uniqueness as the only boy or girl in the family.
• Difficulty in accepting a new parent. If children have spent a long time in a one-parent family, or if children still nurture hopes of reconciling their parents, it may be difficult for them to accept a new person.
• Coping with demands of others. In blended families planning family events can get complicated, especially when there are custody considerations to take into account. Children may grow frustrated that vacations, parties, or weekend trips now require complicated arrangements to include their new stepsiblings.

Wow, seems to me that there is a piece of each of these issues right now for us--awareness is half the battle, I suppose.  And the answers--well certainly not easy, but eventually I think doable if everyone is committed to making it work. I think the foremost response is open communication & building trust.  The authors have this to say with regard to that:

The way a blended family communicates says a lot about the level of trust between family members. When communication is clear, open, and frequent, there are fewer opportunities for misunderstanding and more possibilities for connection, whether it is between parent and child, step-parent and stepchild, or between stepsiblings.

Uncertainty and worry about family issues often comes from poor communication. It might be helpful to set up some ‘house rules’ for communication within a blended family, such as:

• Listen respectfully to one another.
• Address conflict positively.
• Establish an open and nonjudgmental atmosphere.
• Do things together – games, sports, activities.
• Show affection to one another comfortably.

And finally, "create family rituals & establish routines. Decide on meaningful family rituals and plan to incorporate at least one into your blended family. They might include Sunday visits to the beach, a weekly game night, or special ways to celebrate a family birthday. Establishing regular family meals, for example, offers a great chance for you to talk and bond with your children and stepchildren as well as encourage healthy eating habits."  We've been doing family meals for about a year now--every Sunday that Xing Fu has his children, we've come over or they've come to our house for dinner.  I think it has helped us a great deal to have that ritual & I certainly hope that it continues into the future.  So we seem to be on the right track in many ways but it will be an uphill climb that will be a challenge for everyone involved.  

Strange to look back on this blog history & see how much has changed for all of us in the 2 1/2 years we've been together--it's been worth it!

The Three Cs

"The three Cs: compromise, communication, and cuddling! If something seems to be wrong, it's usually because one of these things is missing." -Kim (Cosmopolitan Online)


Wow!  I so agree with that statement as simple as it is.  A couple fractious days in relationshipland.  And although we don't always get along as well as we'd like, I always think that at the end of the misunderstanding, miscommunication, or mis-something we are able to learn a little more about one another.   Yup, we had a bit of a disagreement & as always it had to do with time and waiting--reference to the post just before this one.  And I think in some ways all three of the above Cs were missing which is why we argued in the first place.  For me, sometimes the only thing that my BF needs to do when we've been at it is to simply say that he's sorry & give me a hug & believe it or not, all of my vitriol, etc., will quite possibly just, dissolve....even if he's sorry for just a small part of the issue--like sorry for just the act of getting into the argument in the first place, that small gesture will move the situation miles forward.  When that happens, I don't need to win, I just know that I've been heard & that is most important.


Another piece of this relationship stuff is growing familiarity--everyone knows the hackneyed phrase, "You always hurt the ones you love." Why?  Perhaps one part of the answer comes from something I saw on TV this afternoon (DVR'd).  I've begun watching The New Girl & I really like it.  But I found these statements ring true:

Nick:

“You know what sucks about getting old?

Your friends have known you for way too long. They’ve got too much on ya’.

I want friends who still lie to me because they don’t want to hurt my feelings.  I sadly kind of mean that.”

Familiarity brings verity...when a relationship is new, one is on one's best behavior--now things are different.  But unlike Nick, I'd rather hear the truth & work through it because who wants to cruise through life with only superficial friends?  I hope that when we have disagreements that the resolution brings about a deeper understanding--as well as the three Cs.  :)

I haven't really touched on the compromise thing yet...but I will--that's a big one.

If I Could Say...I Would Say

That whatever issues there are, some people need to grow the F up.  At some point communication with the parent of your child helps to facilitate a better relationship with that child in the long run--avoidance is just cowardice.  Stop snooping & man up!   Ultimately it is your loss & here I am trying to help by suggesting that having a relationship with the other parent is in your best interest.  If I despised you so much would I be remotely interested in trying to encourage interaction?  Nope!   I have no respect for you.  'Nuff said.

Stages

The above comic strip is so true.  It is so easy to misconstrue the other person's meaning.  I'm not saying this has happened, but it is easy to do so especially as we move into a more familiar aspect of our relationship--we are no longer in the throes of the "first bloom", sweep me completely of my feet (although I have been told that I still glow...) part of life and have now entered into a more realistic perspective--I'd like to think it is actually a more intimate stage.

That being said, there have been adjustments especially since Xing Fu has been away recently & finding time for one another becomes sometimes difficult (I reference back to an earlier post:  http://boyfriendplease-sailorgrl.blogspot.com/2010/02/finding-rhythm.html  )  We keep reminding ourselves that communication is key because like that comic above, there are many areas where there could be a break-down, especially with so many priorities & people vying for our attention.  It certainly is a balancing act on so many fronts....one word comes to mind fairly often: COMPROMISE.

I think the last few weeks have been kind of rough for me, an adjustment, a reality check on what I'm thinking.  Xing Fu remarked about that last night--he is right--the real world comes crashing in & working with the reality can be difficult at times for me, but I think we both are working hard to understand what the other needs & adjust accordingly as best we can under our own constraints.  The work we put into this relationship thingy...I wrote this in an email today: "makes me appreciate the positive work we put into us (something we may not have been so willing to do with others in the past)."   Again I can reference Lori Gottlieb & her comments about working into a partnership.  And that's what we want.

Stage: Work in Progress