Sunday, March 15, 2009

Alone Again, Naturally

So I've come to the realization that I need to go it alone for a while. This is not a bad thing...convincing myself of this is what is at issue. I cannot continue to 1) wallow in self-pity & 2) attempt to go out on a date & think everything's ok. Case in point: last night's date. Very nice guy--just not for me. He took me to a great place to eat, we had good conversation, but all I could do was make comparisons--and that my friends, is the problem. Things ran through my head like, "here we are at a French restaurant, & he doesn't get the menu--not a food sophisticate like...", or " the mini-plaid just doesn't work here", or "there is absolutely no excitement to this conversation like I used to have with..."--SIGH. I hate that what I loved about the Bull is clouding my ability to judge new potentials objectively....I'm just not there yet. And what sucks even more is the fact that even though the Bull has serious character flaws, and I would not ever consider going back with him because of them, I still miss all of the really good qualities that ultimately were what I was looking for. My friends say that I'm then one step closer to finding my ideal because I recognize the kind of man I want sans the sociopathic traits. Yeehaw!!

I also know what he's up to as well--not because I've talked to him, but because I know him. He's currently fucking his way around DC & reconnecting with past girlfriends to fuck them too. That twinges my inner competitive edge--I know that's a bit twisted but it kills me thinking that he's doing this & I have no one. Not that fucking your way around DC means that anything meaningful or connected comes from it but it tweaks me just the same.

Anyhoo, having decided to forgo the dating scene for a while takes a little bit of the stress off of me--but not a lot. I get to go "work on myself". Yes, all of the break-up advice is swirling like a swiftly overflowing post-flood river from all points--friends, co-workers, frenemies, etc. What I despise though are all of the people who say to me: "You need to be happy by yourself before you can be with someone else." You know what? Fuck that!! I'll never be happy with myself--is anyone truly? I will be "in a better place" sometime, ready to share myself again soon, but I will always be looking for self-improvement, always. If I wait until "I'm happy with myself" (background music should be lightly happy, flowery music--girly to be precise with butterflies fluttering gaily above wildflowers) I will be waiting forever! No, I decided I needed a break because I realistically cannot be with anyone with the ghost of the Bull lingering. I still cry sometimes, though not as much & I think it has more to do with the going to the parties again as the single girl with all the marrieds and the fun we had going to music with my BFFs & their husbands. It was nice being part of a couple again--but I'll deal--been here before.

And according to BFF(J), and this one I DO believe, "When you least expect it, expect it..."


Ros said...

OK, it's not "be happy with yourself" as in "like who you are and don't want to improve in any area", it's "be happy being alone with yourself, with not being half of a couple". If you cloned yourself, would you be friends with you? Can you spend Saturday afternoon just hanging out by yourself? I think that's what a lot of people mean when they give you that advice. If you (and not that you ARE doing this) are looking for a man because you feel incomplete alone, you're going to be too eager to find a guy to be as discriminating as you deserve.

Incognito said...

Well said, Ros.