Tuesday, March 17, 2009


In an attempt to work through the pain & move toward the future, I continue to reflect on things I need to remember to remind myself why I cannot EVER return to a "friendship" with anyone who acts in a manner that my recent past man did. Aside from the fact that about 10 of my friends would haul me out of my house & beat the living shit out of me, black belt or not if I ever considered it seriously....

When the relationship was relatively new, & I was overly eager: read, somewhat obsessive, my BFF(A) told me to go buy the book Men Are From Mars... I did & one section talked about letting rubberbands stretch because they always came back. I used to wear a rubberband around my wrist when I got too intense & I would pluck myself to keep my head on straight--not sure it worked too well mind you, but at least I tried. Anyhow, I am using the following situation as my rubberband to remind myself of why I cannot be with a man like this again. This story actually comes from the other woman who told me this when we were shooting tons of emails & phone calls back & forth after all hell broke loose a few weeks ago. What folks don't know is that she & I had many conversations about what happened & I truly think it helped me, but this story sticks out as the biggest, most egregious act by the sociopath, AKA the Bull.

After my son came back from sailing camp last summer I was anxious to see his newly acquired sailing skills. I was also anxious for him to meet the sociopath because I had been dating him for roughly a month & he was becoming quite a large part of my life & I wanted my son to be included. Since we were all sailors, the sociopath had the idea that we should rent a boat--the kind he raced: a Flying Scot and spend the day out on the bay. So we meet down on the South River near Annapolis, late of course, & get ready to go out. The wind is blowing at 15-20 knots which is just about on the edge for an 18 foot boat, but we decided that we were capable enough to handle it. It was a little dicey at first but we managed not to flip & had a great time. We ended by going to a BBQ place near Annapolis & then we all come back to my house. It was great--we had a blast & now the introduction to my son was complete.

Here's the yuck, make your skin crawl about this. The sociopath had left his son with the other woman so she could babysit him--the day of sailing, all that night until the middle of the next day! When she told me this, I just about fell out of my chair! How can someone DO that???!!! So this is the story that I remind myself of every time I have a weak moment & I have quite a few. My co-worker, the social worker at my school suggested that I write this story down in the blog because it would make it more real--I think she's right. It is a testament to my future without these types of men fucking it up. Catharsis is important. I am still working on it & I will derive more strength from this--

I will get there. I know this because today I had a very odd moment; an almost physically tangible feeling of auspiciousness. Of a great outcome--a flooding of joy for the future--fleeting, but definitely present.


Incognito said...

Just beautiful. Please keep writing; you will help not only yourself but more people than you know. Thank you, thank you! ~ Ruth

Sailorgrl21 said...

You're welcome...I don't who I'm helping except myself, but it does feel good to get it out there. I reread my post & I can't help but think, "The cahunas!"