Blogoversary--Part II

So here it is...one year--wow! A whole raft of shit has occurred since I started this running dialogue of my single life in the married world--and what a roller-coaster ride!

I want to thank Baltimore Diary for helping me out with so much about blogging--he is a gem among the rocks.

Yesterday I re-posted my first entry just to think & compare what has happened. Last year this time I was reeling from my break-up with the Bull--it didn't really look like it based on what I wrote but I walked around for a few weeks in an absolute daze--in retrospect I wish in some ways we'd stayed broken up--he turned out to be such a scumbag. But, I learned from the experience & many aspects of our time together were amazing...most of y'all reading this can prolly figure out which...

A lot of time on this blog was spent on him & it has helped me finally work through it & I can honestly say that I'm free from him now. I did love that scumbag though--sigh. There will always be a little soft place for the Bull but he has ultimately helped me figure out what I do & don't want in a potential mate.

It has been a ride for sure--from all my sailing adventures to my amazing trip to Amsterdam--what a year! I am grateful for it all--all the new & great folk I've met along the way that I count among my friends now & my nearest & dearest friends that have been there through all the pain & joy, sometimes holding me up & sometimes celebrating with me. I am a lucky gal!

It has also been quite amusing to see the dating blunders I've written about--I think ultimately when I do find the right one it will be fun to go back & revisit it all from time to time just to appreciate the journey.

Overall I am happy with what I've experienced--a lot I would never have lived through if I were still married--it has been quite the adventure & I'm looking forward to many more along the way--

I hope everyone has enjoyed what I've written--all 4 of my readers...and get ready for the continued saga....to another interesting year--Huzzah!

Blogoversary--Part I

So welcome to my blog--if only for my own cathartic need & if no one reads this, at least I know I have a place to spill my guts. Before I get to my cyber-stalker let me just give a little background on why I started this running dialogue of the trials of modern single-mom dating.

I have been on at least 50 first dates (most probably more) & truth be told it gets mighty frustrating out there. Most of these dates have come from my online antics & for the most part have proven that there are A LOT of men out there. Insert the but.... & you fill in your own blank. Unfortunately those men have been just so wrong--except for a recent one--I'll call him The Bull from Van Ness (TBFVN) (here's where the story title comes in).

We met online this past summer & it was a rather instantaneous attraction--musical tastes, check, sailing, check, hot sex, check, check, check....oops--intelligence, quirky world-view...my list could go on. But as all really great things often go as being too good to be true--so did he--as my boyfriend & rather recently(OUCH). You know the old commitment issue--so I fall prey.

However, he seems to have a bit of a penchant for fucked-up former girlfriends. (I like to think that I was the first relatively normal one) but I digress. I've listened to him have a conversation with one such chickie & it is scary what I found out--something to do with stolen credit cards, cash & a DUI. And after 2 years he still has some of her shit stashed away....do I need to say hmmmmm? Anyway the convo was a bit disturbing: threats that if she doesn't make arrangements to pick the stuff up, he'll tell her son what a fucked-up liar she is, etc. I won't say how he has access to her son's info because that'd be too revealing here, suffice it to say-he most definitely could locate him. Anyway, he seems to have collected a few ones like that, which brings me to the cyber-shit.

One of my friends has a blog that I follow pretty closely--check out the list--there it is. He told me a couple months ago that someone was tracking my posts to his blog. Googling my screen name & following the links. So I asked him if he could find out why, how & from where it originated. He couldn't but would tell me if they came back. Anyway, I then googled my own screen name & lo & behold up pops links to TBFVN. Interesting. Time passes & last week my buddy tells me that the stalker has hit again. This time he found out where it came from--now this is very interesting....the SEC! He says--"are you in trouble with questionable stock dealings?" Laughing, I reply--"no way!" But my little red warning light comes on to tell me that TBFVN must be involved--you know...D.C. & all. Now I know it has to be a woman too--who else would be remotely interested in my connection to the Bull? I'm thinking--how stupid is this chickie! Why would you cyber-stalk someone from your work computer anyway??? As it stands, I immediately call TBFVN & tell him that he needs to let the person know to cut the shit out. I know it's relatively harmless, but I think it's really uncool to pry like that into my life & for that matter, my friend's(not TBFVN)--& to leave a calling card! I may google a new guy & pull up court records for safety reasons but I don't go tracking his connections in cyberspace--that's just not right. In a twisted way--it's nice that someone was so interested in who I was that they felt the need to track me twice, but really! My now ex won't reveal who she is, but he assures me that he took care of it--I wonder--what threats did he make against her?

Attentiveness

You know it's bad when people at the wine tasting who don't even know the back story comment on you. My BFFs & I were enjoying the current selections & waiting to taste the wines in the back room when my Purgatory Buddy, SM walks into the shop. He waves at me when he enters & I continue to chat with my friends, knowing that eventually he'll come over--what I didn't realize was that he'd make a bee-line for me & begin to caress my back. Talk about a tell to the entire store. My BFF(A) said that he was quite obvious. She has always had a problem with SM--didn't think he & I should be involved, didn't trust him, etc., but she even said he earned points for his attentiveness. Needless to say, I was quite taken aback especially after Thursday night--I had come off of that evening with a bit of a sense of awkwardness; I had felt that I may have said a few things that bespoke attachments, etc. and wasn't sure if I'd said too much. Apparently I didn't need to worry.

My BFFs & I had been planning to make this a short visit because we had plans to go to another wine tasting where there was a big party--plus BFF(A) & I had 6:30 PM deadlines--her son had a game & I had to meet the rest of my family for dinner at a great restaurant called Cinghiale. (super food & a great Chianti--I highly recommend it). Ah--the best laid plans....

We all stand around waiting to go into the back room & chatting, drinking wine & it was so funny--both SM & I found as many opportunities as possible to touch each other in some way, and not in any overtly sexual way either--like I said, dating purgatory--it's just not public knowledge about us yet except for the folk who knew from the start; i.e., my BFFs. One of the other regulars pegged it--he looked at the both of us & said, "looks like you two need a room." I think we both must have blushed but we didn't move apart either.

Finally we all go into the back & sit & try several beautiful Cabernets as well as my most disliked varietal Merlot. The rep told me that "it would knock my panties off." My response was, "How do you know I don't go commando?" Anyway, I was very pleasantly surprised--it was good! In fact, I may buy it & add it to the only other Merlot in my cellar--one from South America. SM & I were sitting at one end of the row of chairs, then my BFFs & then unfortunately some dude who reeked of the 70's--Old Spice Redux! It killed our palates for the most part. SM & I were the most spared but it wafted our way & SM remarked to me that it was difficult to appreciate the red current & licorice of the Cab when a bad 70's movie was playing in the background.

As we are trying to leave, my BFFs made some purchases, SM & I talk about future plans--dinner Thursday & Eric Lindell in a few weeks. Again, I wish things weren't so complicated with him right now--I know things will change very soon but it's getting harder to be patient.

On my way down to meet my family, late of course, with a pissed-off mother, I stop to text SM (no texting while driving--I was in a parking lot). I said that I hoped I wasn't too silly. Instead of texting back he called me--my music was way too loud & I didn't feel the vibrate either. So eventually I checked my phone & saw he'd called--another level of familiarity. He said he liked that I could be silly & told me about the other wines that were offered after we'd left. I told him I was trying to find the restaurant, which he knew of course, & how late I was. We said good-bye and I just had to stop for a moment & enjoy the fact that maybe finally I had found someone with the right level of sophistication again--with the added plus of being a oenophile. The Bull was not a wine-lover, but he did appreciate world foods & had that level of sophistication that I crave. The last guy I went out with--the one who felt that I could drop by whenever I wanted, truly was lacking in world-sophistication--I knew I'd run circles around him & get awfully bored. This is not being snobby, just that I need to have a convo with a man who knows the difference between curry & galangal. SM gets it & I am cautiously optimistic again....

Dating Purgatory?

Levels of Dating and the words to describe them are so awkward--especially when you are in your forties. One of my BFFs--CFW and I were chatting about my current status with SM. I say we're in dating purgatory. We're sorta beyond just dating because we see each other regularly, i.e., last night and plans for the future--seeing Eric Lindell, but it isn't a relationship yet either. It's the in-between time; the gray area. That brings up the inevitable question of how do you introduce someone to him? He's not my boyfriend & he's beyond a friend--awkward. And before you are in an official "relationship"--as I said--what exactly is that called? We're "dating"? Nope. "Friends with Benefits"? Nope. ????.....Especially if it's complicated, which in the case of SM, it is. In the interest of privacy I won't discuss why, but here I am again with a man & our relationship isn't straightforward---sigh. Hopefully soon it will be, but I am literally in purgatory currently. Maybe again the Universe taking pot-shots at me.

Equally difficult is the word "boyfriend". I am 40 plus years old--boyfriend doesn't seem to work--case in point--when I was with the Bull I felt it strange to say "This is my boyfriend D---". I often just said, "This is D---." I would tell people things like "the guy I'm seeing." And if you've read this blog or the archives, our relationship was never really clear cut so that added another level of awkwardness to the discussion. So at forty plus we need a new term for a "boyfriend"--manfriend or middle-aged manfriend, maybe oldmanfriend?


OK, I've got it now. At a wine tasting I could say, "Hi. This is ----. We're in Purgatory." Heh--SM's my Purgatory Buddy!

Sidedish Friend

Do you want to be my sidedish friend
'Cause I'll miss you if you go for good
Yeah
We can stay together 'til the very end of time

If it's understood that I don't want you hanging out with me
But I want you when I call
And we can stay together separately and we won't be lonely at all

Oh boy
Oh boy
I got to think about that
Oh boy

And do you want to be the one on hold
'Cause you know I'll always come right back
Yeah
We can find a quiet place for both of us to go 

If you always know that I don't want you hanging out with me 
But I want you when I call 
And we can stay together separately and we won't be lonely at all 

Oh boy
Oh boy 
I got to think about that 'cause every time 
(Every time) 
I think I'm all right I think I'll win you over 
I hear you say 
(Hear you say) 

That I don't want you hanging out with me but I want you when I call 
And we can stay together separately and we won't be lonely at all 

I don't want to get too close to you and I don't want you close to me
There's a back door waiting just for you if this isn't what you need 
There’s a back door waiting just for you if this isn't what you need 
Yeah


Rachael Yamagata

Reflections On My Navel

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

T.S. Eliot--The Hollow Men

I have been sick for the past few days & I think I've mentioned before how being sick makes me unusually reflective. There have been a lot of endings recently & the weather, decidedly blechy, makes me rather melancholic.

Today officially marked the end of my racing season. I would have sailed tomorrow but since I have this nasty URI, I don't think it's a bit smart to go out in 10-15+ knot winds, in 40 degree weather, with a steady rain, in order to prove what a woman-stud I am. I emailed the skipper & let him know & he replied that this was pretty much it & feel better--crew party in January, see you after that in the spring (at least I don't need to upgrade my foulies now--very expensive). It was an awesome learning experience & I met some incredible people that I wouldn't have otherwise, made some new friends that I'm sure I'll see over the winter--looking forward to sailing with them all again. So not out with a bang, but a whimper as T.S. Eliot would say. Ah well..all good things must pass & now I need to concentrate on TKD for a while.

Seems like fall has ended as well--I had to put the heat on today--scary. I looked outside & I felt like I was looking at a Baltimore winter scene: cold, wet, & bleak--not even the trees turning could withstand this weird cold-snap. I am not a winter person & always struggle with the bare trees poking into the steel-gray skies from November through March/April. Perhaps I need to think about moving somewhere where there are no seasons except summer....I think I'd miss the Chesapeake Bay too much--can't afford to be a snowbird quite yet--probably never.


Currently, I am sitting in my kitchen working out a recipe for chicken & soba noodles. Cooking is a good activity for me when I am reflective. I can make something & if it's bad then at least there's no one to complain or pass out false praises--i.e. the sauce is wonderful, maybe the chicken was a wee bit salty. I am home alone, my son being at his grandparents with a friend, & unusually I have nothing really planned for this weekend. My excuse of course is that I'm sick & need time to recover. I have to admit that I need more "alone" times without distractions. I spent the last two days in my bed, sick & although I was alone, the only reflection I did was to blow my own nose. Now that I'm on the mend I can take stock...poke my head around & pick the lint out of my belly-button, analyze it & change course if I need to. One of my girlfriends(& I am honored to call her a girlfriend)--the wonderful woman I met in Amsterdam, said something quite profound to me the other day--of course what she said exactly is now lost to history but it shook me--actually a lot of what she says to me shakes me. Again, she & others touch on the drama that I seem to crave. I don't like T.S. Eliot's rendition of how the world ends--I want the roller-coaster ride & I tend to create it over & over. Soul Sister said once I figure out why I may find what I want--in the meantime I keep this wall up called drama for a reason...I have a few days to ponder it & I hope I won't distract myself--I usually do...maybe after a dinner of chicken & spicy soba I may actually think on it.

Boat Envy

(Summit 35) (Ericson 27)

I went to the US Sailboat Show on Sunday & decided that I want this boat. I really loved the look of it--the fact that it's a cruiser-racer is a huge plus. Unfortunately the base price of $250K sorta nixes the whole thing. Ah well--a girl can dream, can't she? Of course the Ericson is most probably what I will end up with at some point. Which is OK since I know that boat inside & out. Well, the Ericson 35 but what's a few feet between boats? Plus Ericsons are just old classic cruiser-racers so I can turn it into what I want too.

The great part about the show was hanging out with my cousins. They have a business & had a booth at the show. We don't get to see each other that often & we had a blast--of course free Gin drinks & a Painkiller certainly added to the fun. We hopped on & off some pretty amazing sailboats, um...yachts--mind-boggling luxuries. I looked at a few new lasers for my kid--radial--not even remotely ready for a full rig. I think an older laser may be the way to go--one that's been well broken-in for now. It was just a lot of fun & I think my son & I will become regulars. Again a tradition passed down from my grandfather. He used to take me every year.

I didn't race this weekend but it was a full one nonetheless. Thursday was dinner with SM--we made a brilliant Thai Salmon dish together & had a blast in the kitchen. I think kitchen compatibility is a very good sign. He told me that he had an amazing time so I'm cautiously optimistic & it looks like Thursdays may be a regular thing for now--I hope. Saturday was wine tasting with the BFFs & at night I went to listen to music at Ramshead Live--great show--not what I tend to go listen to but it was cool.

After driving home from Annapolis Sunday night, I sat on my bed thinking about what a great weekend it had been spending time with friends & family. Grateful.

Wedding Vows

"I don't mind a drop in." Huh? What?? I'm out with a guy on Saturday night & I think he's a pretty nice guy--& then this statement. I look at him, and I must've looked at him just a bit strangely because he clarifies. He says, "If you just want to come over to see me, you don't need to call, just come on over." Suuuurrrre, yyyyeaaahh, just been on a first date & thinking to myself: "Ok, not too bad, a little quirky, but he has potential." And then he says that. WTF???!!! If he drove by my house without calling that would be the end. If my parents "just drop by" that would be a problem. So, no. Do NOT drop by, do NOT pass go, do NOT collect a realationship with me--I'm a busy woman, living my life--I need to plan your visits. Bleh & double bleh--I felt like the man was already writing our wedding vows the way he'd planned out our lives already. And he was whiney because I couldn't fit him in next week--at all. Not even during the week--I HAVE PLANS--yeesh! Between my sports & another Thursday with SM (this seems to be becoming a regular thing...) & racing on Saturday, & Saturday night out with a friend (yep, a man) to listen to music, & the boat show on Sunday. And NO I do NOT want this guy to go with me & my kid. Dude, I am so not into possessiveness--unless I want it & believe me--not anytime soon with you...

OK--so yet again there are all these men & none are suitable--exhibit A described above, all the way to exhibit B--my sailing friend. Extremes, the lot of 'em. My neighbor, also a single woman, sighed & said at least I have a stable to choose from. My reply was--too bad they're old hacks--they can't make it out of the barn let alone making it out of the gate! My mom throws her 2 cents in--similar to a Sex & the City quote--that as I get older the pickins are slimmer so exhibit A may not be so bad....lord help me--

Prickly

Been a grouchy week for me but I hope I've turned the corner now. It hasn't helped that I've been phenomenally over-whelmed at work and Yom Kippur was on Monday so I was off. When I returned on Tuesday I knew I'd get hit hard. I also dislike when I'm out because my team likes to make my empty office theirs--they don't clean up after themselves & I always walk into messes--I wasn't disappointed. It tweaks me every time--love my team & wouldn't trade 'em but for this lil' treasure...Big meeting day on Tuesday so many of my co-workers were in my office as I was frantically getting ready for meetings while cleaning & straightening....irritated a little? One told me that I was grouchy. Gee, what clued you in? Was it my snippiness? The sarcasm? Hmmmmm....I paused & thought about it and sure enough, I was. Which is kinda unusual for me. I'm actually a generally happy person but that set the tone for the rest of the week. I described myself as "prickly". Maybe it's the turn of the season or month or perhaps it's the holiday & what it means, but I really have been ouchy & it has lasted until perhaps this evening. One of my BFFs--CFW told me to embrace my inner grouch--so maybe Oscar & I are becoming friends..

This evening I hope is a shift in the wind. I have two great days of racing to look forward to--both AYC fall series--one Saturday for PHRF & Sunday for one-designs. But tonight I had a very nice evening, without regret, with SM. He came over for dinner & I made whole wheat ravioli with a very fresh tomato and basil sauce. We drank a great Italian wine recommended by the folk at Grand Cru and managed to keep our hands, etc. to ourselves. It was a lot of fun and as I said before--no regrets. Mayhap Oscar is gone now.