No One Is Carol Brady Except Carol Brady....And She Had Alice

I gotta say sometimes this blended family thing blows serious chunks!  OK, that being said, I remember reading some advice once about it being good to buy a new house together that way everyone can't claim territorial rights...good in theory but it doesn't take into account that in some ways, Xing Fu & I are kinda like a newly married couple, with all of the angst that comes in the first year of any marriage & subsequent moving in together issues. And yup, the added smooshing of families also adds more angst & the loss of the only house my kid has ever known, and, and, and....well, y'all get the point.  So why can't I be Carol?  The ability to smoothly glide into her step-children's lives (and Tiger's) & become the loving, cheerful, smiling stepmomma that everyone loves.  Maybe it's easier since they were both widowers & didn't have to deal with intrusive exes & confused loyalty issues. I'm sure the exes must have a bit of schadenfreude whenever there is perceived "drama"--the desire to see the house of cards come crashing down on the household & the vicarious, "I told you it wouldn't work.", while giving that little shake of the head & little half smirk of superiority...Well dammit! I ain't Carol & I really don't have Alice to smooth the rough edges. And sometimes, just sometimes I get oh, so tired of playing the part of something I'm not.  Stress fractures appear in the supposed calm mien & I need to "light out for the Territories" as Stephen King or Peter Straub might say in The Talisman. Which is exactly what I did on Sunday.  I disappeared for 6 hours--I couldn't breathe, I felt unwelcome in my own new house where there aren't supposed to be territorial issues, & I didn't want to scare anyone...so I lit out.  My son knew that I needed to get out & wasn't worried (he knows me so well) & I needed to get perspective & get away from a toxic dump.  I just needed to remind myself that "this too will pass" & that things will get better....in about 4-7 years! as the experts on blending families like to point out. And in reality, even though we've been in this house together since late May, it is still very new to all of us. Sometimes being a Brady is just much easier!

Preparations

Insanely busy time right now--my son's Bar Mitzvah is occupying a lot of time & stress as well as the end of school activities & a major race this weekend.  I may have bald spots at the end of all this....

What I find hugely interesting & somewhat nerve-wracking is the upcoming interplay between all of the participants in this component of life's little drama.  I'm referring of course to the family dynamics, the exes, the mishpocheh, etc., & all of what that entails for the Bar Mitzvah.  I'm a bit nervous regarding my ex--his involvement & the fact that my boyfriend is very involved with me & my son--this is a whole new avenue for me to explore & one that makes Xing Fu & I have a bit of trepidation.  Many evenings & weekends, the three of us spend time together--recently I hosted a dinner for Xing Fu & his mother and the relationship between he & my son is evolving into a very nice one (Case in point: My son is excited to show off his summer camp to Xing Fu when we drive down to drop my son off). And, after all, he's only heard about my ex through me & my family & certainly little of it has been positive.  I hasten to add however, that there are positives--I do give credit to him about my excellent cooking skills that everyone claims I have now & the fact that I have a real understanding of how flavors & textures can work to create amazing things in food.  Certainly, many people, including my BF reap the benefits of my culinary talents. But the overarching theme is a decidedly negative one in reference to my ex.  I hope that he will conduct himself appropriately as this is a celebration of his son's accomplishments even if my ex is not Jewish, or for that matter, very Christian.  And certainly, my ex is welcome to be there, but his involvement in his son's life has been minimal to none.  I know my former father-in-law is very proud of his grandson as is my former sister-in-law & neither of them would even remotely want to create drama.  My ex, who knows, appropriate decorum was never his strong suit.  I will give him the benefit of the doubt--I just want my son's day to be a special & wonderfully memorable one that is free of the seamy underside of divorce & it's inherent drama.

As it stands right now--most of those who we've invited are coming to the event--there will be a ton of people.  I'm certainly thrilled that there are so many friends, & family who want to share with us--it makes me feel great that my son has so many people out there who love & care about him.

Another source of stress are the snoopers to this blog--I can never understand some people's fascination with all of this....  Last I heard, this country is founded on freedom of speech--and certainly I do not name names.  What are y'all looking for?  Condemnation?  Confirmation?  There are a lot of folk from all avenues of my life looking, looking, looking...some everyday & some with veiled threats....is my life all that interesting?  Apparently so for some out there!  I've been advised a few times to make this blog "Invitation Only", but I honestly don't want to do that--I have readers from Hungary to New Zealand to Germany & beyond--that's awfully nice, but why should I cut them off because various individuals are unhappy?  See, I'm not referring to my general readership who have very positive things to say, I'm talking about the stalkers--the negative ones.  Yep, I know that when one writes a blog & it's out there for the world to see,  it exposes the writer to certain criticisms, etc., but still....let it go!  I guess I'm flattered in a weird way....

Sidedish Friend

Do you want to be my sidedish friend
'Cause I'll miss you if you go for good
Yeah
We can stay together 'til the very end of time

If it's understood that I don't want you hanging out with me
But I want you when I call
And we can stay together separately and we won't be lonely at all

Oh boy
Oh boy
I got to think about that
Oh boy

And do you want to be the one on hold
'Cause you know I'll always come right back
Yeah
We can find a quiet place for both of us to go 

If you always know that I don't want you hanging out with me 
But I want you when I call 
And we can stay together separately and we won't be lonely at all 

Oh boy
Oh boy 
I got to think about that 'cause every time 
(Every time) 
I think I'm all right I think I'll win you over 
I hear you say 
(Hear you say) 

That I don't want you hanging out with me but I want you when I call 
And we can stay together separately and we won't be lonely at all 

I don't want to get too close to you and I don't want you close to me
There's a back door waiting just for you if this isn't what you need 
There’s a back door waiting just for you if this isn't what you need 
Yeah


Rachael Yamagata

Reflections On My Navel

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

T.S. Eliot--The Hollow Men

I have been sick for the past few days & I think I've mentioned before how being sick makes me unusually reflective. There have been a lot of endings recently & the weather, decidedly blechy, makes me rather melancholic.

Today officially marked the end of my racing season. I would have sailed tomorrow but since I have this nasty URI, I don't think it's a bit smart to go out in 10-15+ knot winds, in 40 degree weather, with a steady rain, in order to prove what a woman-stud I am. I emailed the skipper & let him know & he replied that this was pretty much it & feel better--crew party in January, see you after that in the spring (at least I don't need to upgrade my foulies now--very expensive). It was an awesome learning experience & I met some incredible people that I wouldn't have otherwise, made some new friends that I'm sure I'll see over the winter--looking forward to sailing with them all again. So not out with a bang, but a whimper as T.S. Eliot would say. Ah well..all good things must pass & now I need to concentrate on TKD for a while.

Seems like fall has ended as well--I had to put the heat on today--scary. I looked outside & I felt like I was looking at a Baltimore winter scene: cold, wet, & bleak--not even the trees turning could withstand this weird cold-snap. I am not a winter person & always struggle with the bare trees poking into the steel-gray skies from November through March/April. Perhaps I need to think about moving somewhere where there are no seasons except summer....I think I'd miss the Chesapeake Bay too much--can't afford to be a snowbird quite yet--probably never.


Currently, I am sitting in my kitchen working out a recipe for chicken & soba noodles. Cooking is a good activity for me when I am reflective. I can make something & if it's bad then at least there's no one to complain or pass out false praises--i.e. the sauce is wonderful, maybe the chicken was a wee bit salty. I am home alone, my son being at his grandparents with a friend, & unusually I have nothing really planned for this weekend. My excuse of course is that I'm sick & need time to recover. I have to admit that I need more "alone" times without distractions. I spent the last two days in my bed, sick & although I was alone, the only reflection I did was to blow my own nose. Now that I'm on the mend I can take stock...poke my head around & pick the lint out of my belly-button, analyze it & change course if I need to. One of my girlfriends(& I am honored to call her a girlfriend)--the wonderful woman I met in Amsterdam, said something quite profound to me the other day--of course what she said exactly is now lost to history but it shook me--actually a lot of what she says to me shakes me. Again, she & others touch on the drama that I seem to crave. I don't like T.S. Eliot's rendition of how the world ends--I want the roller-coaster ride & I tend to create it over & over. Soul Sister said once I figure out why I may find what I want--in the meantime I keep this wall up called drama for a reason...I have a few days to ponder it & I hope I won't distract myself--I usually do...maybe after a dinner of chicken & spicy soba I may actually think on it.