Soul Mate Redux

Excerpted from:


Dating 101: Have You Found Your Soul Mate? 10 indications that you may have found The One By dating expert Diana Kirschner, Ph.D.

So chances are, there is more than one person out there who fits the bill for you. All of them are less than perfect. But if there are no perfect partners, how can you know whether to stay or go? Here are 10 relationship markers to help you know if he or she is The One:

1. When you're together you feel like you've come home.

2. You feel like your partnership was meant to be, as if kissed by destiny.

3. In your communication with each other there is a rapid "knowing" of what each of you means.

4. You have a shared mission in life, perhaps a cause, a career, or the creation of a family life.

5. When you're together the world seems like a better place.

6. Your mood is elevated when you're together. It's not necessarily passion or excitement, although that's there too at times.

7. When you look at him/her you see a part of yourself that's been missing. Perhaps it's her assertiveness or his joy of adventure. But it's something that when added to your life, makes you feel more complete.

8. Being together makes you more hopeful about the future you are creating.

9. You can be more authentic and fully yourself around your partner.

10. Being together makes each of you work harder on overcoming bad habits and becoming more loving people.

Don't worry if you don't feel all 10 of these things when you're with your partner. That's where the imperfection comes in -- either in you or your partner. If you are experiencing six or more of these markers, chances are you are matched well. Over time you can work towards having all of these qualities. Couples who have lasting love find that their relationships get closer and better over time. And that process has been my privilege and good fortune to experience personally -- after a lot of hard work that continues to this day!

Bottom line: your chances of finding The One are better than you think. So go out there and start looking. Love almost always comes in a surprise package that opens up in marvelous and magical ways.

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This article spoke to me on different levels.  One, because a lot of what is on that list resonates with me--coming home for example--huge.  Two,  because like Gottlieb, Kirschner also says that looking for a soul mate has caused many people grief & often people have overlooked someone who may be ideal but not have everything on the list.  And Three, relationships grow--if you work towards it--but that work doesn't need to be work when communication is open & honest.  In other words, looking at number 10, being together makes you work harder to overcome the bad habits--if holding emotion & feelings in instead of discussing them was the norm, now perhaps, learning to tell your partner what's going on is a change that you work hard to maintain.  

I like Kirschner's message--it seems a bit more optimistic than Gottlieb's.  

And I love the list...especially because after looking at it, both Xing Fu & I see that we have way more than 6.

Lucky!

to make a mountain of
your life is just a choice
but i never learned enough
to listen to the voice that told me
always love
hate will get you every time
always love
don't wait til the finish line

slow demands come around
squeeze the air and keep the rest out
it helps to write it down
even when you then cross it out

--Nada Surf  Always Love 


Xing Fu always seems to know when I need some reassurance & he always knows exactly what to say--he told me today that he was lucky--lucky to be with me & lucky to have met me, etc.  I needed to hear that.  But I am the lucky one--This is a man who catches the red-eye & gets home a day earlier after being away on business for most of the week (my mom said that action exceeds her expectations of a great BF), seems to intuitively say what I'm thinking, & makes me feel so cherished.  I know I sound a little over the top but I've waited one hell of a long time to be treated in a way that I should--I only hope that I am exceeding his expectations.  In 20 years I hope I can still feel the way I do--hell, in 30 years!  

Lucky me--looking at a few of my friends' recent Facebook posts--they're looking for their Prince Charmings & so far they're still kissing the frogs like I was.  I keep reassuring them that if I have been lucky (& is it luck? karma? fate?  another question to ponder in the future), they will as well--have hope & maybe read a bit of Lori Gottlieb's book as well as think about not wasting time on the losers who don't treat you right--a la He's Just Not That Into You.  My good friend MAC seems to have followed that advice & is currently snuggling up to a man who also treats her like gold so she knows exactly how I feel too.   One of the points that I like from Gottlieb's book is that she says that single women needn't fall for that old line of being great on their own--if you want a partner for the rest of your life then why shouldn't you?  It's not a weakness.  That was a freeing statement for me--I used to operate under the incorrect assumption that the mere fact that I wanted to share my life with someone was a weakness.  Lucky it ain't. 

Cute Eccentricities

My sister will love that I'm posting this but recently these things have been on my mind:

  "It's so true that the little things that you thought were cute eccentricities when you are first in a relationship seem to become some of the most annoying characteristics years down the road. And yes, I agree, there are certain things that must be a given if the relationship can grow--like knowing how to sail, being gainfully employed, and the ever popular, not being a compulsive liar and scum (he will not be named but we all know of whom I speak)."

So both Xing Fu & I get a little worried that what's so cute & interesting now will shift into the category of "glaring incompatibilities" later--which can cause a mini-freak-outs on occasion.  I think we're both a bit gun-shy because of past failed relationships but trying to learn from mistakes and improve upon them will hopefully allow us to relax a bit.  We both feel so lucky to have found one another & we both are worried that the mundane will take over or we'll begin to take one another for granted...perhaps this blog can help--reread the posts to remind us not to go down that road.  All that & we both tend to think too much!  I guess my "Red Flags" post hit a nerve--but not seeing any is a good thing...


Plus, that Lori Gottlieb book just keeps entering into my consciousness.  She often talks about how she overlooked the guys who weren't the Type-A personalities, or when she met for a first date there weren't any sparks so the thought of a second date just never occurred to her.  I think I also practiced the same behaviors--except I was often in pursuit of those "bad boys".  And then there was Xing Fu.   Xing Fu & I were friends first, racing together, etc.  And although I always thought he was attractive, I never pursued anything because he was unavailable at that time.  So, in terms of first dates, there just weren't any & of course no sparks--just a platonic friendship that I enjoyed; going to music & having great conversation...that was about it.  So when things did change between us, I think it was a surprise that it was so amazing & still is.  Gottlieb also talks about letting a romance grow from the dubious beginnings--if a first date doesn't send shivers, etc. still go on a second--a lot of very successful couples she knows didn't exactly skyrocket out into space when they first met.  


I am trying to get to the point here--within the section about first dates, Ms. Gottlieb also discusses the things that couples don't always like about one another--"I wish he were less laid-back" or "I wish she wasn't so cluttered", for example.  But they choose to accept those things & not grow them into the "glaring incompatibilities".  She says, "[that a couple] has that romantic energy I crave--finishing each other's sentences, being gentle with each other's vulnerabilities, having enough comfort to laugh at their respective less-than-appealing qualities."  That's what I'm interested in right now--the ability to accept & support.  The best part of the above quote to me is the part about "being gentle with each other's vulnerabilities".  Already I think we are.  What have been my vulnerabilities in the past just haven't been an issue with Xing Fu--he is gentle with me--he understands and then those little nasties just fade away...how great is that?  I hope I return that to him as well--I think I do & I try to remember to be gentle as well--soothing the soul. Trusting that being vulnerable is not a risk--& it hasn't been & that's wonderful.

"Men always want to be a woman's first love.  That is their clumsy vanity.  We women have a more subtle instinct about things.  What we like is to be a man's last romance."  

A Woman of No Importance, Oscar Wilde