Separation Anxiety

Came across this on Huffpost today. Pretty spot on so I thought I'd share as it has been since 2004 when my ex & I separated & I could've used some of these wise words:

 

20 Things I Wish I Could Have Told My Newly Separated Self

by Jackie Pilossoph

As I look back on myself as a newly separated 41-year-old with two young children, I realize now how utterly lost I was. Those first several months were brutal. Not only was I trying to navigate the waters of divorce, dealing with the ups and downs of litigation and mediation, but I was also trying to heal my broken heart, and at the same time trying to find my way to a happier life.

It was like a roller coaster, and I remember that winter, I got the worst flu I've ever had in my life -- probably my body's reaction to months and months of some of the worst stress I can ever remember.
Had I had someone like me (a divorce blogger and someone who has been there) to give myself some good advice, it would have been nice! A lot of stress, probably most of it, stems from the fear of the unknown, so if someone would have given me a few nuggets of advice, it really would have been useful.
So, here are 20 things I wish I could have told my newly separated self.
1. This isn't going to be easy. Put on your seatbelt and go for the ride. Try to enjoy the non-bumpy times, because there aren't many, but some parts of the journey are wonderful, believe it or not.
2. Your ex is hurting too. And he's angry. Try to be understanding of erratic, unreasonable behavior. I'm not saying accept it. It's not okay. Just understand why it's happening.
3. Getting divorced doesn't make you a failure so stop looking at it that way.
4. Be careful who you talk to. Airing your dirty laundry to the wrong people could have consequences.
5. Reach out to the people who love you. They want to be there for you. Don't sit in a room and cry by yourself all the time. There are times you need to call up your girlfriend and just sob.
6. You won't be alone and single when you're 70, so stop worrying about it.
7. Your kids are going to act out, cry a lot, and possibly be angry. It's your fault for getting a divorce but their behavior isn't YOUR fault and it doesn't mean you made a mistake getting divorced. Deal with it the best you can and get your kids therapy if you think it will help them. Don't feel guilty.
8. Your ex will have a girlfriend in the next two weeks. Be prepared. And, he will still be cold and distant to you, no matter how blissful he seems with her.
9. Your in-laws will act like strangers to you. Be prepared to be in shock when they treat you like the scum of the earth.
10. Some of your friends will stop calling you or returning your calls. Don't take it personally. Your divorce is THEIR issue.
11. Some of your friends will start calling you and want to get together to hear the dirt on why you got separated. After one get together, you will never hear from them again.
12. Start doing yoga. Today.
13. You're going to get calls from your attorney telling you what is happening in your case. Some calls will cause you to cry so hard you will hyperventilate. Remember that it will all turn out fine if you make good, ethical choices, be the best mom (or dad) you can be and don't break the law.
14. You're going to meet a lot of men who will paint a bleak picture of what the dating scene after divorce is like. Trust me, there are good ones out there! Don't lose hope.
15. One night, you will be out and you won't be expecting anything, and a guy who you never thought would be interested in you will be. And it will make you feel young again and sexy and pretty!
16. There will be so many nights you will feel exhausted and feel like things will never get any better. They will.
17. If someone other than your soon-to-be ex tells you that you should consider getting on anti-depressants, consider that they might be right.Many men and women go on medication for the short term during the beginning of a divorce. There's no shame in it!
18. Worrying doesn't really do anything except cause sickness and disease and make you feel depressed.
19. Whenever you feel extreme anger, sadness, depression or anxiety, do one of two things: go to the gym or write in a journal. Just do it. Don't even think twice. Those two things are guaranteed temporary remedies.
20. Don't lose sight of other things going on in the world, or your friends and family's lives. Your divorce isn't the center of the universe.

Jackie Pilossoph is the author of the blog, Divorced Girl Smiling. She is also the author of her new divorce novel with the same name, as well as her other divorce novel, FREE GIFT WITH PURCHASE. Ms. Pilossoph is a weekly business features reporter and columnist for Sun-Times Media. She lives in Chicago with her two kids. Oh, and she's divorced!

Follow Jackie Pilossoph on Twitter: www.twitter.com/

Prove It!

by Shel Silverstein

It's scary that Thanksgiving is so near--seems like yesterday I was hiking out during a windward leg of the Screwpile Regatta.  Sigh....I think this weekend may be the last sail of the season.  As we talk about all of the things that we are grateful for & give our thanks for family, friends, etc.,  during the season, I think this little piece of advice fits right in. I keep coming across things in my travels that strike me as important & good ideas to try.  Xing Fu is a good sport because I keep trotting out activities & he very willingly jumps right in.  I haven't run this one by him yet, but I think he'll give it a go.  

Anyway, I was reading Good Housekeeping (I know, I know, me??  Good Housekeeping???),  and inside there is a monthly advice column called "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin.  It's all about finding your happiness--through various thoughts, actions, with yourself, family, etc.  I usually find a few good tidbits in it--in fact, may have written something from it before, but I was struck by this one.  Her happiness thought for December is: 

Hug more, kiss more, touch more.  These actions take no extra time, energy, or money, but they make a big difference.

 http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/health/wellness/hugs-and-kisses
She goes on to include this advice for greeting family warmly when they come home or making sure to bid farewell also.  This builds connectedness, creates feelings of worth & meaning, & shows that family members are cherished.  I like this & I want to try it.  But also I like what she says about her "spiritual master" St. Therese of Lisieux.  St. Therese said, "It isn't enough to love; we must prove it."  We often forget to show the people we love that we love them.  Saying "I love you" is nice to be sure, but hugging, touching, going out of our way to welcome someone home is a simple way to prove love.  According to Gretchen Rubin these are "proofs of love."  I couldn't agree more.  In fact, I often write about the little things--here's another one that I hope becomes a big habit.

Another Great Weekend

We tend to write this in an email after every weekend we spend together--obviously a very good thing but it brings me to the idea of appreciation.  I ran across a little snippet about strengthening your relationship with your significant other.  It read:

Get In Your Head

To be happy with your husband, you may have to re-train your brain, says Achor. For 21 days in a row, write down one new thing you're grateful for about your husband. "Research shows that by the end of those three weeks, you will have taught your brain to be more appreciative and loving toward your mate," she says.

We already to this to some degree is what I wrote in an email this morning.  Even if Xing Fu tries to drown me, or knock me out with the boom, he does not blow off the little advice blurbs I send him.  He treats them with respect & recognizes how much we both work to keep our relationship a strong & healthy one.  To that end I certainly appreciate the effort we both put forth--it shows a deep commitment to each other.  And we're going to give it a try without being redundant.  My first one: 

I appreciate that you treat these little relationship advice snippets that I find & send seriously & not just "humor" me.

And I wonder, looking at the recent failure of a relationship that an acquaintance of mine had blow up in her face, if we're the lucky ones.  Of course, she had it coming--hatred spewing people cannot find others who will find them positive, loving people--if you hate, you will see Karma come right back atcha'--how can you have a loving relationship with anyone when you exude such anger & negativity?

I also like to think that for the most part my friends' relationships & marriages are also ones that show deep appreciation--they seem to--this weekend demonstrated that as we all descended on BFF(J)'s house on the water for an impromptu BBQ--

50 First Duds

A while ago I used to write about my dating experiences--usually the 50 first duds, um, dates & my impatience about meeting "the one."  Times have certainly changed since then & I am so happy to be with Xing Fu because I know how hard it is out there as a single 40-something mom trying to find a partner, friend, lover, non-cheater, hard-worker, etc., etc.  But I also say that one's conduct (woman) & personal outlook about finding that person, has an awful lot to do with the success.  I can say this because I've been there, done that.  I'm not trying to be the old, all-knowing sage of dating, but I think I do have some thoughts worth sharing on the topic after having the various experiences that I have had--anyone out there remember the Bull?  Yeah?  Well, that's where I'll start...

We broke up & it was ugly.  This was the epitome of a liar & a cheater--reference back to the fact that he had me in Baltimore & another woman in DC.  Yup, classic bad man behavior.  OK, so for a while I wrote on this blog how hurt I was & how horrible his behavior was, and it was to be sure. But how did I deal with it?  Yeah, I vented about it, I cried, called my BFFs, & started back on the dating websites (waaaay too early) but I did NOT, under ANY circumstances, stalk, harass or talk to the Bull ever again.  It so happened that the other woman & I had several conversations & emails back & forth, & ultimately I believe she forgave him (stoopid woman, but I understand) & they ended up together.  And that hurt.  A lot.  But as I said, I understand because it is very hard for a single mom in her 40s to find a decent guy.  Reference to the article from Slate http://boyfriendplease-sailorgrl.blogspot.com/2010/11/freaks-geeks-and-economists-from-slate.html that I posted in November..about the supply & demand of dating in your 40s http://boyfriendplease-sailorgrl.blogspot.com/2010/11/supply-and-demand.html. But, and I'm being deliberately redundant, even after she & I talked, I NEVER, EVER, contacted the Bull.  I didn't look him up on facebook, I blocked his online dating profiles on Ok Cupid & other sites, & I didn't harass his DC chick.  I was "done, done"(to use the engineering vernacular), even as hurt as I was.  And I never gave up hope that he'd be out there--hence the positive outlook.  I read many books & articles (many of which I posted about here), & I got back out there.  But I also made a very deliberate decision about getting back out there.

Back on the dating sites--POF (Plenty Of Fish), Ok Cupid, Yahoo, Match, eHarmony--at one point I'm sure I had a profile on all of them & I went out on a lot of dates.  And sometimes the guys were cool--Amsterdam anyone?  And I did ignore Lori Gottlieb's advice--don't you do it!  Because ultimately she has a very good point (points).  But as I was out online, I was very specific about going about this "finding the one" in another & ultimately the most successful way.  I've written about it--do what you love.  Go out & get active--no passivity in "waiting for the one" to find you on POF.  I'm sure I read this advice somewhere in my travels but I certainly took it to heart.  I went sailing--a lot.  I got active & for that first summer I spent all of the after-race parties as a single person, but I made friends & I had a blast.  And I was NOT at home waiting.   And you know the rest of this fairytale story--I have met the most wonderful man who loves me for me (and sails--a lot).  I most definitely believe whole-heartedly that my conduct & attitude have everything to do with this success.  Karma, karma, karma.

So why am writing about all of this now?  I was inspired by a woman of my acquaintance who is struggling to let go & truthfully is not going about it very gracefully.  I believe she deserves better but she will never find it until she has a significant paradigm shift. I hate to say this but she will NEVER, EVER find someone worthy of her unless she stops harassing her ex & his new girlfriend (no matter how skanky she thinks the new one is), and adopts an attitude of gratitude.  No, I'm not trying to be cliched here, but it must be all cup half full & this litany of hate ain't winning her points in the Karmic Bank & Trust. There has been a ton of support thrown her way, very good that she has friends who care, but throughout the drama, there were some folk who told her over & over to get over the guy.  Let it go--quit giving the guy her power....and they are right.  At a certain point, about a month or two after my break-up with the Bull, I stopped referring to him so much & began writing more about my 50 first duds, and sailing...because I was out there doing what I loved & not perseverating on a loser.  So to this woman who deserves better, I beseech you to go out & live your life (don't worry about being happy with yourself--no one ever is, but make friends with yourself instead) & conduct yourself with grace--this bitterness makes you ugly & no guy wants that! 

"Would you stop feeling sorry for yourself? It's bad for your complexion!" --from Sixteen Candles.

Cute Eccentricities

My sister will love that I'm posting this but recently these things have been on my mind:

  "It's so true that the little things that you thought were cute eccentricities when you are first in a relationship seem to become some of the most annoying characteristics years down the road. And yes, I agree, there are certain things that must be a given if the relationship can grow--like knowing how to sail, being gainfully employed, and the ever popular, not being a compulsive liar and scum (he will not be named but we all know of whom I speak)."

So both Xing Fu & I get a little worried that what's so cute & interesting now will shift into the category of "glaring incompatibilities" later--which can cause a mini-freak-outs on occasion.  I think we're both a bit gun-shy because of past failed relationships but trying to learn from mistakes and improve upon them will hopefully allow us to relax a bit.  We both feel so lucky to have found one another & we both are worried that the mundane will take over or we'll begin to take one another for granted...perhaps this blog can help--reread the posts to remind us not to go down that road.  All that & we both tend to think too much!  I guess my "Red Flags" post hit a nerve--but not seeing any is a good thing...


Plus, that Lori Gottlieb book just keeps entering into my consciousness.  She often talks about how she overlooked the guys who weren't the Type-A personalities, or when she met for a first date there weren't any sparks so the thought of a second date just never occurred to her.  I think I also practiced the same behaviors--except I was often in pursuit of those "bad boys".  And then there was Xing Fu.   Xing Fu & I were friends first, racing together, etc.  And although I always thought he was attractive, I never pursued anything because he was unavailable at that time.  So, in terms of first dates, there just weren't any & of course no sparks--just a platonic friendship that I enjoyed; going to music & having great conversation...that was about it.  So when things did change between us, I think it was a surprise that it was so amazing & still is.  Gottlieb also talks about letting a romance grow from the dubious beginnings--if a first date doesn't send shivers, etc. still go on a second--a lot of very successful couples she knows didn't exactly skyrocket out into space when they first met.  


I am trying to get to the point here--within the section about first dates, Ms. Gottlieb also discusses the things that couples don't always like about one another--"I wish he were less laid-back" or "I wish she wasn't so cluttered", for example.  But they choose to accept those things & not grow them into the "glaring incompatibilities".  She says, "[that a couple] has that romantic energy I crave--finishing each other's sentences, being gentle with each other's vulnerabilities, having enough comfort to laugh at their respective less-than-appealing qualities."  That's what I'm interested in right now--the ability to accept & support.  The best part of the above quote to me is the part about "being gentle with each other's vulnerabilities".  Already I think we are.  What have been my vulnerabilities in the past just haven't been an issue with Xing Fu--he is gentle with me--he understands and then those little nasties just fade away...how great is that?  I hope I return that to him as well--I think I do & I try to remember to be gentle as well--soothing the soul. Trusting that being vulnerable is not a risk--& it hasn't been & that's wonderful.

"Men always want to be a woman's first love.  That is their clumsy vanity.  We women have a more subtle instinct about things.  What we like is to be a man's last romance."  

A Woman of No Importance, Oscar Wilde