Oozing in Gently

"You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family.  Families aren't dying.  They're merging into big conglomerates."
--Erma Bombeck

I think one of the best pieces of advice I received about being a "stepmom" (quote marks 'cuz I ain't one officially) was from my mother--a stepmother herself.  She told me that it was important to sit back & watch & not push myself on Xing Fu's kids.  For me that is extremely difficult--I want the most important people in his life to like me & accept me--so anxiety over that translates into the need for over-interest.  I've fought mightily against that trend & I think I've done pretty well with it, but I remind myself often to sit back & let the situation unfold.  So it was interesting when I came across a section in a book titled The Courage to be a Stepmom by Sue Patton Thoele where she discusses just that.  The book was given to me by a co-worker way back in March or April & has been sitting by my bed gathering dust as I've decided recently that many "stepmothering" books are evil.  More on that in a sec.

What Thoele says is that as a stepmother I should "ooze in gently" like introducing a new cat or kitten into a family. "Lovingly let 'em alone to sniff out the new house."  Stay in the background--be there to provide what is asked for & let them come to you for what they need/want--or set out a food dish & water in the case of a cat...let them set the pace (cats usually do).  Expecting an instant family just won't work--first of all, unlike having your own children, you & your _(fill-in-the-blank)____ have each other's children as steps...an "unnatural alliance of your kids & my kids."  Additionally, Thoele says that often these children are beyond the "cuteness" stage & bonding over the long term just hasn't happened.  There's just no shared past history.  In fact, I often feel VERY left out when Xing Fu & his children discuss past events that shaped them as a family--very exclusionary & difficult--yes, we are making new memories now (beach vaycay, e.g.), but those are very few as everything is so new in the grand scheme of lifetime events. All I can do is sit back & allow our connections to unfold.  We are getting there--slowly but surely.  Sometimes it is pretty hard--sometimes I have to grit my teeth, remain calm, & remind myself that I'm the adult.  And sometimes it's pretty wonderful--like when one of the kids mentions that they wished my son were with us at the beach so he could enjoy the big raft at the water park with us.  Actually, I think most of us involved really want this to work--even the kids.


     Darest thou now O soul,
Walk out with me toward the unknown region,
 Where neither ground is for the feet nor any 
      path to follow?

 --Walt Whitman


Back to the evil book thingy--all of these books except for the one I'm currently writing about just paint the most negative stepmonster pictures for our future as a blended family--I need affirmations, a shoulder to lean on, understanding, answers to why a behavior is manifesting...you know--support.  That's why I've set most of these books aside and was reluctant to open this one.  I'm glad I have cracked the binding open because at least this section of the book has been very affirming. 

It's On!

So much has gone on recently in so many facets of my life.  Of course, my brain has been hooked into sailing--Wednesday night series down on the West River starts tonight--I will be on a non-spin boat this week & next I'll be up in Annapolis on my regular ride for the AYC Wednesday series.   My brain has been so hooked by sailing that when I was at Bed, Bath, & Beyond with BFF(A), I bought sailboat sheets-printed with charts & sailboats--Xing Fu said something about "charting those waters" & then turned bright red last Saturday night at BFF(J)'s house.  Cracked all of us up.  But seriously, I can hear my son saying to me when he comes home Thursday from Florida & seeing the sheets, "Obessed much, mom?"  Guilty as charged.

Also, spending more time with Xing Fu's children.  It was a weird feeling to drop my own child off at the airport (first time traveling alone--I stood at security until he got through--at least his gate was D1, closest to security) & then take on three others.  It was an intense weekend but not in a bad way.  I've been reading a few books lately, one called Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin has been pretty interesting. Not sure that I agree with everything that I'm reading (only a third through it) & I'm not a stepmother in the true sense of the word, but I am the woman in their father's life & that has an entire raft of potential pitfalls, etc.  I think we are going about it all in a very good way so far--carefully, talking about all of the possible outcomes as best we can & he tells me that his kids like me--very good, so perhaps one of the most difficult situations in family-life will work out for us.

Another part of all this has been that all of our kids are away this week & we've been spending a lot more time together--it's been good--in some ways better than when we were last at the beach--for whatever reason, we have covered a lot of ground & looked at some of our sticking points--it has made us closer. 

And I have the week off--WOOHOO!

Stuck-Up in Illinois

According to my son's new stepmonster, he is stuck-up. She said it to his 11 year old face. Now anyone who knows my son in any way cannot say that he's stuck up. Stuck up & my guy are a juxtaposition. She got mad at my ex-husband because he was paying too much attention to my son & not paying enough attention to her & her boy. One needs to understand that this was the first visit my son has had at his father's new place in Illinois since he moved there in September of 2007. You'd think she'd want my ex to pay attention to our son. But this merely points out that this woman is 1) very insecure, 2)silly, & 3)rather stupid because all she'll do is alienate my son from his dad even more. Oh well. This is just one part of the "weekend visitation" that my son had to endure.

The story:
As a family we all went to visit my sister & her family in Chicago for Passover. Part of that visit was that my son would go to his dad in a drab town about an hour & a half outside of Chicago. Passover was awesome--my brother-in-law outdid himself putting on an amazing seder for all of us & friends of theirs. He is a bit of a foodie as am I, so it was fun seeing all the amazing places he & my sis have gone to eat in Chicago & experiencing his own great cooking. It was good to be together & for the most part everyone behaved themselves--we all know how families get. I was able to spend very necessary time with my sister alone--even trying to teach her how to drive stick on her porsche. We always have such a great time together & we rarely get to see one another. Luckily, no princess room in sight, for me at least. Her daughter has a great princess room though--the addition of the gauze butterflies brought back some Florida rooms I know....

Anyhow, my son gets picked up at my sister's house on Friday. The fun begins: my ex looks horrible--I've described him before but now it was just...well...grotesque. When I was married to him he did not look like this cuz I'd never want to be around something like that. He & his new wife had driven up with the babies: a boy a year & a half & a girl just a few months old. Now this is a man living off the dole & he's squeezing out new babies like no tomorrow. They arrive in a Dodge Durango that reeks of cigarette smoke--my ex doesn't smoke as far as I know--more on this later. But even worse is that my son has to cram in between two clunky car seats with two screaming babies for the hour & a half trip back to Bumblefuck, Illinois. Barf!!

On Sunday my son is dropped off: He walks up to the porch & the cigarette smell rolls off of him in waves. I almost gag. He tells me that his step-grandfather smokes 4 packs a day & plays videos all day long. That is a huge health hazard--my son said he had severe headaches the entire time he was there. My sister & I shove him in the shower, dump all of his clothes--clean & otherwise into the washer & fumigate his coat, shoes & bags with Febreze. I got a headache just being near all his stuff. Not to mention the poor little babies--I may not like my ex or his simpleton of a wife, but those poor babies don't have a chance in hell not to develop asthma or other major health issues. My son begins to describe the squalor that my ex has now sunk to. Question as to whether or not there's adequate working sinks, cleanliness is definitely not a priority, & most folk there in this small house with 8 people & then the addition of my son do not work--only the brother of the stepmonster does apparently. You are getting the picture that just makes me shiver with aversion. Again, those poor babies. All I have to say about my ex is: I may have had to pay off a shitload of his debt, endure his lawsuit to change visitation & have to attend a "Special Issues in Parenting" Class, & deal with my poor son having to accept that his dad has moved away. But I have to say that ultimately I've gotten the much better end of the bargain here. I have a wonderful son who is most definitely NOT stuck-up but one of the most empathetic & kind boys I know with amazing talents--that no one in Bumblefuck, Illinois could even conceivably understand. I have a great house, albeit small. I've got a good job & my health (although I am feeling kind of sick at the moment). I have amazing friends who love me no matter what & a family that despite itself is there for me & my son. My ex doesn't really know my son & hasn't really participated in raising him for quite some time--he is missing out on raising this wonderful kid. I have self-respect & know that I am not relying on public tax money to support me. After all of this--my last comment is: Ain't Karma a bitch?