Oozing in Gently

"You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family.  Families aren't dying.  They're merging into big conglomerates."
--Erma Bombeck

I think one of the best pieces of advice I received about being a "stepmom" (quote marks 'cuz I ain't one officially) was from my mother--a stepmother herself.  She told me that it was important to sit back & watch & not push myself on Xing Fu's kids.  For me that is extremely difficult--I want the most important people in his life to like me & accept me--so anxiety over that translates into the need for over-interest.  I've fought mightily against that trend & I think I've done pretty well with it, but I remind myself often to sit back & let the situation unfold.  So it was interesting when I came across a section in a book titled The Courage to be a Stepmom by Sue Patton Thoele where she discusses just that.  The book was given to me by a co-worker way back in March or April & has been sitting by my bed gathering dust as I've decided recently that many "stepmothering" books are evil.  More on that in a sec.

What Thoele says is that as a stepmother I should "ooze in gently" like introducing a new cat or kitten into a family. "Lovingly let 'em alone to sniff out the new house."  Stay in the background--be there to provide what is asked for & let them come to you for what they need/want--or set out a food dish & water in the case of a cat...let them set the pace (cats usually do).  Expecting an instant family just won't work--first of all, unlike having your own children, you & your _(fill-in-the-blank)____ have each other's children as steps...an "unnatural alliance of your kids & my kids."  Additionally, Thoele says that often these children are beyond the "cuteness" stage & bonding over the long term just hasn't happened.  There's just no shared past history.  In fact, I often feel VERY left out when Xing Fu & his children discuss past events that shaped them as a family--very exclusionary & difficult--yes, we are making new memories now (beach vaycay, e.g.), but those are very few as everything is so new in the grand scheme of lifetime events. All I can do is sit back & allow our connections to unfold.  We are getting there--slowly but surely.  Sometimes it is pretty hard--sometimes I have to grit my teeth, remain calm, & remind myself that I'm the adult.  And sometimes it's pretty wonderful--like when one of the kids mentions that they wished my son were with us at the beach so he could enjoy the big raft at the water park with us.  Actually, I think most of us involved really want this to work--even the kids.


     Darest thou now O soul,
Walk out with me toward the unknown region,
 Where neither ground is for the feet nor any 
      path to follow?

 --Walt Whitman


Back to the evil book thingy--all of these books except for the one I'm currently writing about just paint the most negative stepmonster pictures for our future as a blended family--I need affirmations, a shoulder to lean on, understanding, answers to why a behavior is manifesting...you know--support.  That's why I've set most of these books aside and was reluctant to open this one.  I'm glad I have cracked the binding open because at least this section of the book has been very affirming. 

Blending & Bending

Other choices have been whirling around recently as well--more like frustrations in some ways.  Xing Fu & I have been working to, to use the vernacular, "blend" our families more.  There are choices on how to go about doing it.  It has been a very slow process  (he'd say that it has been timed just right).  I guess my kid is better able to adjust--perhaps because he's had more years since my divorce or because his father pretty much just shoved his new family in his face without even attempting to blend gradually.  Either way, he's been in a good place regarding Xing Fu's presence in our home & lives for the past year.  I know that in the case of my own parents' divorces & subsequent remarriages, they did it all wrong. All of a sudden, there were these new people--no discussion, no gradual coming to terms--they were just there--it totally sucked & both Xing Fu & I are determined that will not happen in our situation & it really hasn't.  Good. 

Anyway, we are certainly moving forward but I sometimes think his choices of pacing things stagnates a bit.  Generally what we've done thus far has gone very well--but our opportunities bringing our separate families together have been more like events & not the normal comings & goings of life.  What I'd like to see is less of that black & white degree of separation & more of shades of gray.  Activities together for sure but what about the quiet evening at home just chilling?  If he has his kids that weekend, if there's nothing specific going on, why not spend a quiet evening together?  Some of the kids may be around & others may be out with friends--the normal flow of a weekend.  Currently, as I am the sole parent for my son, my ex being in another state, the ebb & flow of our weekend when Xing Fu does not have his kids is just like that at my house.  My son may be home, may be at a friend's house or the friend may be here while Xing Fu is with me.  Nothing special, no event.  I guess that I feel a bit isolated from him when he has the kids & would like us (my son & I ) to be more involved in some ways. 

"Also, as the biological parent, recognize that you have a bond with your child that your partner does not share. This can leave him or her feeling isolated. Be sensitive to this and try to include your partner in daily routines as much as possible. Be sure to find activities that you all enjoy doing together."  

This is an excerpt from an article from the University of Florida entitled Couples Considering a Blended Family by Kate Fogarty, Millie Ferrer, and Sara McCrea.

Kinda where I am right now--I don't want to spend an ENTIRE WEEKEND smooshed together...just a portion...I want to normalize something that has been anything but normal for about a year now--slowly, absolutely, but not stagnated.