Friday, January 28, 2011

50 First Duds

A while ago I used to write about my dating experiences--usually the 50 first duds, um, dates & my impatience about meeting "the one."  Times have certainly changed since then & I am so happy to be with Xing Fu because I know how hard it is out there as a single 40-something mom trying to find a partner, friend, lover, non-cheater, hard-worker, etc., etc.  But I also say that one's conduct (woman) & personal outlook about finding that person, has an awful lot to do with the success.  I can say this because I've been there, done that.  I'm not trying to be the old, all-knowing sage of dating, but I think I do have some thoughts worth sharing on the topic after having the various experiences that I have had--anyone out there remember the Bull?  Yeah?  Well, that's where I'll start...

We broke up & it was ugly.  This was the epitome of a liar & a cheater--reference back to the fact that he had me in Baltimore & another woman in DC.  Yup, classic bad man behavior.  OK, so for a while I wrote on this blog how hurt I was & how horrible his behavior was, and it was to be sure. But how did I deal with it?  Yeah, I vented about it, I cried, called my BFFs, & started back on the dating websites (waaaay too early) but I did NOT, under ANY circumstances, stalk, harass or talk to the Bull ever again.  It so happened that the other woman & I had several conversations & emails back & forth, & ultimately I believe she forgave him (stoopid woman, but I understand) & they ended up together.  And that hurt.  A lot.  But as I said, I understand because it is very hard for a single mom in her 40s to find a decent guy.  Reference to the article from Slate that I posted in November..about the supply & demand of dating in your 40s But, and I'm being deliberately redundant, even after she & I talked, I NEVER, EVER, contacted the Bull.  I didn't look him up on facebook, I blocked his online dating profiles on Ok Cupid & other sites, & I didn't harass his DC chick.  I was "done, done"(to use the engineering vernacular), even as hurt as I was.  And I never gave up hope that he'd be out there--hence the positive outlook.  I read many books & articles (many of which I posted about here), & I got back out there.  But I also made a very deliberate decision about getting back out there.

Back on the dating sites--POF (Plenty Of Fish), Ok Cupid, Yahoo, Match, eHarmony--at one point I'm sure I had a profile on all of them & I went out on a lot of dates.  And sometimes the guys were cool--Amsterdam anyone?  And I did ignore Lori Gottlieb's advice--don't you do it!  Because ultimately she has a very good point (points).  But as I was out online, I was very specific about going about this "finding the one" in another & ultimately the most successful way.  I've written about it--do what you love.  Go out & get active--no passivity in "waiting for the one" to find you on POF.  I'm sure I read this advice somewhere in my travels but I certainly took it to heart.  I went sailing--a lot.  I got active & for that first summer I spent all of the after-race parties as a single person, but I made friends & I had a blast.  And I was NOT at home waiting.   And you know the rest of this fairytale story--I have met the most wonderful man who loves me for me (and sails--a lot).  I most definitely believe whole-heartedly that my conduct & attitude have everything to do with this success.  Karma, karma, karma.

So why am writing about all of this now?  I was inspired by a woman of my acquaintance who is struggling to let go & truthfully is not going about it very gracefully.  I believe she deserves better but she will never find it until she has a significant paradigm shift. I hate to say this but she will NEVER, EVER find someone worthy of her unless she stops harassing her ex & his new girlfriend (no matter how skanky she thinks the new one is), and adopts an attitude of gratitude.  No, I'm not trying to be cliched here, but it must be all cup half full & this litany of hate ain't winning her points in the Karmic Bank & Trust. There has been a ton of support thrown her way, very good that she has friends who care, but throughout the drama, there were some folk who told her over & over to get over the guy.  Let it go--quit giving the guy her power....and they are right.  At a certain point, about a month or two after my break-up with the Bull, I stopped referring to him so much & began writing more about my 50 first duds, and sailing...because I was out there doing what I loved & not perseverating on a loser.  So to this woman who deserves better, I beseech you to go out & live your life (don't worry about being happy with yourself--no one ever is, but make friends with yourself instead) & conduct yourself with grace--this bitterness makes you ugly & no guy wants that! 

"Would you stop feeling sorry for yourself? It's bad for your complexion!" --from Sixteen Candles.

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