"Bonus" Families

Worst case scenario

Not to leave any stone unturned as we merge our lives together, I am going to flip the channel from the house (which is overwhelming & stressful by itself) to our continued quest to "blend" our families.  I don't like the term blended family--I was looking on the internet and I found a few articles about moving in together with step-families.  One article called the families "Bonus" Families.  I like that.  Xing Fu's kids are a bonus--a positive addition to my smallish family--I get to be a stepmom to girls--I don't have girls.  I get an opportunity to be a "mom" to girls in my life--something I didn't think I'd ever experience as I believed that I had a boy & that was that.  And conversely, Xing Fu has the opportunity to be a "dad" to a boy--something he never figured on either.  Definitely a bonus.  


Anyway, what I've been reading has to do with successfully smooshing us into a new family unit when we'll all be under the same roof.  And in particular that same roof should be a new one.  Get a great start.  Instead of moving into his place or her place, find a new home.  This can be neutral territory and a fresh start for all.  This eliminates the problems caused by some of the family feeling eternally like "outsiders," and the "insiders" feeling like their territory is being invaded or encroached on.  The cost and trouble of getting into a neutral home might be substantial, but the benefits may be well worth it.

Check.  Got this covered.  In fact, Xing Fu & I signed our first official document together with the realtor last night.  Cool.  And also as a result of last night's meeting the "For Sale" sign goes up in front of the house on Friday.  Wow, I can't believe it is actually happening--it's one thing to have the contractor here working on the house but it's quite another to actually see the sign out front.

The next piece of advice seems to be not to expect that the process will be easy or happen overnight--I am truly learning that now. Don't expect the process of blending families to be easy.  The process is almost always one of the most challenging, frustrating, and heart-breaking experiences of your life.  Expect to go through phases with highs and lows, mistakes and successes, over a period of four to seven years.  Having your expectations too high might crush your resolve to hang in there when things get really hard. 

It has been pretty hard & it has had ups & downs & when you think things are hunk-dory between all of the family members--think again!  I just hope it doesn't take 7 years--everyone will be in college by then!  

And then there's the concerns about discipline & re-directing the kids:

Discipline your own children -- not your step children.  The older the children, the more important this guideline can be.  Work out and agree on some posted "house rules" to be applied to everyone in the home.  Do this in a family council (after you and your spouse have come to terms on the major issues).  Then make sure that you are the primary enforcer with your children, not with your step-children.  Xing Fu & I are already discussing these things & the house rules advice is HUGE--we recognize that even now.  

I find the next piece of advice also very helpful with regard to how one grows the relationship with their step-children:  Become a friend with your step-children.  Friendship should be your primary role with them -- something like a fun camp-counselor relationship.  Consider winking and smiling at them when they get away with something.  Give up completely on the idea of improving the discipline of your step-children.  It's a war you can never win.  Surrender now.  You can be a back-up and support to your spouse at times, but if you come across as more strict, or more consistent than their parent, you will lose.  If you are determined to be a positive influence the behavior of your step-children, keep it 100% positive.  I think we're getting there as well--it is bumpy at times but I see the progress.  

And finally, something that I know I've talked about before & am a firm believer in: Put your marriage first.  The greatest gift you can give your children is the lasting image and influence of a loving, committed, fun relationship between their parents.  Schedule a weekly date night away from the kids, and make it a priority!  Much of your daily communications will be about problems with the kids, but try to make date time a vacation from family problems -- a time to focus on enjoying each other.  Despite other failings in the family, if the children grow up wanting to have a marriage like yours, you've been a successful parent.  Okay, so we're not married but we are committed to one another & are in this for the long haul, hence buying the house.  And I wholeheartedly agree that modeling positive adult relationships goes a long way to helping children grow up to have their own--respect one another.  Show love. I think we're there.  Now to sell the house & hopefully quickly too.
 
 

Boxing Day

This weekend was all about finishing my house.  The general contractor is getting closer to the finish line & Xing Fu & I took Friday off to spend the weekend getting to my finish line--de-clutter, dump, & purge all of the 11 years of stuff accumulated.  The house looks nothing like it did about a month ago & it really is looking like a house that is ready to be listed for sale--which kinda blows my mind.  The end is in sight--we're on the home stretch & now this house thing feels more like a reality instead of a pipe dream--I think it really hit me when my BFF(A) came down to inspect the changes yesterday.  

We'd gone down into my wine cellar to look at all of my boxes--Xing Fu & I spent a lot of time boxing up all of my wine--well, only about half thus far--12 boxes & about 100 more bottles to go.  As BFF(A) & I looked around the cellar--the wine racks stacked & empty & all of the boxes neatly labelled with what was inside (PN=Pinot Noir, CdR=Cotes de Rhone, e.g.), & she said, "I can't believe that you're going to leave."  It's true--I've lived down the street & her family was one of the first we met in the neighborhood.  Our sons have gone to the same schools together since kindergarten & only pursued their own pathways this year by going to different private schools. We've spent so many summers having impromptu barbeques & crab feasts & driven our kids back & forth to dances.  It is going to be so strange not to be in the same neighborhood anymore. Same kinda feeling for BFF(J) too.  Her hubby remarked that it would be different when we move because our boys won't be 5 minutes from each other anymore--15 minutes to be exact.  Just dropping my son off at their house will take a little more planning now--I truly hope that it will not change things too much. On one hand, I am excited for the future & my life together with Xing Fu but on the other, I'm scared that my friendships (& my son's) with my BFFs will change significantly as well--will wine tasting Saturdays be as easy as they are now when I move? 

Leaping Forward

I so wanted to write a blog post for Leap Day.  Just having that date stamp is kinda cool--yeah, okay, geeking out a bit...

But in general it has been a leap forward--the house will be listed very soon & I've picked up 15 empty wine boxes to begin to pack away my wine cellar.  The upgrades in the house are taking shape--like a new cook top--nicely painted cabinets, & soon I hope, a new floor...I also think that this weekend will be a real push for getting all of the rest of the house ready for showing--

Perhaps I am taking a "leap of faith" in thinking that we can time this right--finding a buyer & finding a house to buy at the same time.  I know that it probably will never be that easy but a girl can dream.  And of course I am concerned that this will time itself right into the middle of sailing season forcing us both to cut out of some regattas. Ah, the stress of it all!

And in case some of you out there are thinking that I may just follow Leap Day tradition & propose--think again!  Last year I pranked a bunch of folk on April Fool's Day but I will abstain from such insouciant behavior now. Interesting reference to Chaucer here:
 In Leap Year they have power to chuse
The men no charter to refuse 

(This couplet was attributed to him.)

So chickies--today's your day!  Go for it!  And Happy Leap Day!  

Weltschmerz

Yup, going all German on ya'.  Been a difficult month & am definitely feeling what wikipedia defines as : world-pain or world-weariness.  And earlier in the day, just had one of those events that in the grand scheme of things is small, but just sort of tipped me over the edge into weltschmerz.   Been on the edge of tears all day for no direct reason (other than a funeral).  So those of you engaging in schadenfreude (love those Germans--they have some really great words), gape all y'all want with glee. Yeah, I know in the bigger picture, I'm in good shape--just feeling the pain.  Three funerals this month & one of my kitties passed away too.  All of the people who have gone were amazing people who made it easier to smile. And they all passed away from cancer--way too early. Soooo...it just sucks.

And the stress from getting the house ready to sell & all of that emotion is taking a toll as well. I see the repairs, the painting, & even ordered kitchen cabinet pulls but I feel like I'm spinning my wheels & just waiting. Like I'm in stasis & not getting any closer to buying a house & moving forward....sigh. I wanna go search for my new house but it's not quite time yet & I'm worried that my house won't sell & we'll be stuck & really unable to move forward.  

The tipping point was work this morning.  I went in for a half day & never stopped to breathe until I left.  But that wasn't the issue--I generally like being busy.  It was the whack-job parent who felt it necessary to chew me a new one while the office staff laughed in the background.  And I didn't do anything wrong.  She accused me wrongly of keeping her from participating in her child's IEP meetings for two years running.  Intellectually I know she's crazy & flinging stoopid accusations that have no basis in reality, but in my heart it wounded me because I work very hard to build positive relationships with my parents--it is intimidating for most of them to attend these meetings & I try very hard to make them feel at ease--with humor & empathy.  And I think for the most part I succeed, until something like this happens.  Just tough to swallow sometimes.

And the final blow & again it is a small one, is that Xing Fu is away on a night that we'd be together.  Normally not a huge issue but with everything else swirling around off-kilter, I really needed that island to wash ashore on for the evening.  I just miss him.

 

Make Me Wanna Gag!

In honor of the upcoming Valentine's Day & because I am an incurable romantic, I've been trolling the 'net for advice. Plus, Xing Fu & I have been accused of being that couple that makes you want to gag...yeah, you know the type. In fact, when I got home from work this afternoon there was a box waiting for me of 12 very large & beautiful chocolate-dipped strawberries.  Yum!   I am unapologetic for my behavior--I really hope that we are still that way in 30 years too...just sayin'.  So here is advice that I found that highlights those nonverbals. This is from the following web site: http://www.caring.com/articles/5-surprising-actions-that-show-love?utm_medium=partner&utm_source=msn

I know I've written about this one in the past:  touching is everything.  "... touch telegraphs affection faster than words do. Thank your brain and your skin's abundant nerve endings for why touch feels so nice. The emotional brain "gets" touch communication more immediately than it understands words, which have to be processed first through the speech centers, says David Givens, director of the Center for Nonverbal Studies in Spokane, Washington, and author of Love Signals.

"If seeing is believing, touching is knowing," he says."  But this touching does fade as the relationship continues--so kissing in the morning & other times, holding hands when watching TV, or in the car are all ways to reconnect quickly. 

The article also talks about being in sync with one another--doing things together--taking a walk, or in our case while going geocaching, etc., we tend to fall into stride with each other.  According to the article it is "mirroring" behavior--a common courtship ritual--it says further that we tend to unconsciously imitate one another when we feel close.  "Couples do this unconsciously all the time: Watch a pair who are flirting. Social scientists call this "synchrony" -- simultaneous action – when members of a social pair match their behaviors. "It's a strong way of being alike," Givens says."

There are a few others in the article--all very good suggestions but I close with this one: Small, everyday gestures of connectedness.

"Those small gestures don't have to be store-bought tokens; they can take the form of a daily catch-up with a traveling lover, the everyday loving gestures you show a spouse -- making the bed first, bringing him coffee, scraping ice from her car in the morning."

Even though I received a very nice gift this afternoon & I truly appreciate it (although I will need a lot of help consuming them), it is the small, caring gestures that I think about the most.  Like bagels in the morning.   

Under Pressure

Pressure pushing down on me
Pressing down on you no man ask for
Under pressure that burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on streets

It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming let me out
Tomorrow gets me higher
Pressure on people - people on streets

--Queen & David Bowie

ACK!!  I m feeling a great deal of pressure right now--this house thing is taking on a life of it's own.  The kitchen floor is torn up now, painting will be starting soon, & we have been looking at houses on the market. We want to get my house listed by the end of February--and of course, I am praying that it sells quickly.  Problem is that the house up the street is also for sale....new kitchen & bathroom...but what my house has is a brand new roof as of last Thursday, new windows & doors, and some upgrades.  If someone who is buying doesn't like the new kitchen in the house up the street(I went through the house with my realtor just to get a picture of what I was up against), then mine will be ideal because they can put in a kitchen that they want.  Also, I have a corner lot & the lot up the street is tiny.  I am putting in new floors.  The ones in my competition are not wood but what appears to be cheap laminate.  I have decent wood floors throughout so that is another selling point.  But this is the pressure--to be competitive in this buyer's market, to get everything done with a general contractor who seems to move at the rate of molasses (but he's really a good guy--no weird stuff) but is thorough, to get the clutter, & all the accumulation of 11 years' worth of crap packed up, thrown out, or given away, & staging the house to sell.  Of course I haven't mentioned the other big issue:  finding a house that works for our families....as I said, "ACK!!"

Where Are They Now?

Last night my friend MAC & I were chatting on Facebook & had a little giggle about past subjects on this blog.  What came of that is the "Where Are They Now?"

Hmmmm....where to start?

Mr. Amsterdam--
Spent the next few weeks after our trip offering new internet dating women opportunities to go abroad--all expenses paid.  Most thought he was nuts & didn't go out with him.  One day a woman took him up on his offer & off they went to Italy.  They're married & visit the Bridge of Sighs every year on their anniversary.

Salad--
Skiing the half-pipes in Vermont.  Really!

SM--
Still Married!  Really!

Preacher Man--
Swore off alcohol after our date...until the next woman crazy enough to go out with a man with 11 children.  She introduced him to pot & now he's a grower in Humboldt County.

The Bear--
Found wearing the bear suit a female magnet so wore it to parties whenever he could.  Fell in with the Furries & is "yiffing" with his unicorn.

Drummer Boy--
Did not do well in the dating scene--got back with his wife & is part of a polygamous marriage with his "brother-hubbies"--all 4 of them. 


Seamus--
Bad boy to the core.  Will never change!  Really!


And, last but certainly not least:


The Bull--
Went back to the other woman & begged her forgiveness.  She took him back...for a month.  Until he told her that he wanted to be polyamorous & would she become a swinger?  She kicked him out & he went on a bender in which eventually his genitalia shriveled up & he has resorted to using a penis pump.  Because of over-dying his hair, it all fell out just before his 50th birthday.  He still thinks he's a Lothario but most women think he's a lech.   He lives alone with his online porn to keep him company.  He may have caught a video of the bear & his unicorn one night....


Of course there are many more but those are the ones that I remember the most.

And as for Xing Fu, aka Music Buddy?  Well, I think most of you know the story...The Frog Prince.  Is it happily ever after?  --time will tell.  "Ribbit"