Other choices have been whirling around recently as well--more like frustrations in some ways. Xing Fu & I have been working to, to use the vernacular, "blend" our families more. There are choices on how to go about doing it. It has been a very slow process (he'd say that it has been timed just right). I guess my kid is better able to adjust--perhaps because he's had more years since my divorce or because his father pretty much just shoved his new family in his face without even attempting to blend gradually. Either way, he's been in a good place regarding Xing Fu's presence in our home & lives for the past year. I know that in the case of my own parents' divorces & subsequent remarriages, they did it all wrong. All of a sudden, there were these new people--no discussion, no gradual coming to terms--they were just there--it totally sucked & both Xing Fu & I are determined that will not happen in our situation & it really hasn't. Good.
Anyway, we are certainly moving forward but I sometimes think his choices of pacing things stagnates a bit. Generally what we've done thus far has gone very well--but our opportunities bringing our separate families together have been more like events & not the normal comings & goings of life. What I'd like to see is less of that black & white degree of separation & more of shades of gray. Activities together for sure but what about the quiet evening at home just chilling? If he has his kids that weekend, if there's nothing specific going on, why not spend a quiet evening together? Some of the kids may be around & others may be out with friends--the normal flow of a weekend. Currently, as I am the sole parent for my son, my ex being in another state, the ebb & flow of our weekend when Xing Fu does not have his kids is just like that at my house. My son may be home, may be at a friend's house or the friend may be here while Xing Fu is with me. Nothing special, no event. I guess that I feel a bit isolated from him when he has the kids & would like us (my son & I ) to be more involved in some ways.
"Also, as the biological parent, recognize that you have a bond with your child that your partner does not share. This can leave him or her feeling isolated. Be sensitive to this and try to include your partner in daily routines as much as possible. Be sure to find activities that you all enjoy doing together."
This is an excerpt from an article from the University of Florida entitled Couples Considering a Blended Family by Kate Fogarty, Millie Ferrer, and Sara McCrea.
Kinda where I am right now--I don't want to spend an ENTIRE WEEKEND smooshed together...just a portion...I want to normalize something that has been anything but normal for about a year now--slowly, absolutely, but not stagnated.
Last year we were brand new & my feet never touched the ground. This year I'm happy to say that even though my feet have found the solid earth, I am still glowing. For Valentine's Day I made reservations at Miss Shirley's which is open usually only for breakfast & lunch but makes an exception for Valentine's. They have a great menu & I thought it would be nice to celebrate there. My BFF(A) & her husband joined us & we had a wonderful dinner. Before dinner Xing Fu brought me a dozen long stemmed red roses--I am a sucker for roses--actually usually any flowers, but these were quite beautiful. No stuffed animals in sight. I had painted him a little picture of some sailboats which I gave to him & had pasted a copy of e.e. cumming's poem entitled "yes is a pleasant country". That poem has always meant a lot to me--pretty sure I've posted it on the blog too. It was a wonderful evening--we are lucky.
Today I came across the following article: http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=25751528>1=32092 How Do You Know When You're In Love. I really liked what it had to say (not just about being married--again, this applies to LTRs as well) & reminded me of how I often think about Xing Fu in that way. The downside from the article: I don't ever want to get to the point where I only tolerate him...if that ever happens, it will be time for us to part ways. I honestly can't think of when that will happen and that is a good thing. But I was struck by what the author had to say about the Scottish couple he stayed with--how long they'd been in love & the seemingly "little things" that kept them connected. Saying goodbye for example--that longing, however small, to be with the one you love. Or wanting the person you are with to be happy--seeing their joy & it then being wrapped up in your own sense of well-being & happiness. Being in the presence of the love of others & appreciating that.
It truly was a weekend & Valentine's Day for the record books--been a long time coming.
"You don't know. And I don't know. You have to look for yourself. Measure carefully and you'll almost always be right."
On a winter Sunday I go To clear away the snow And green the ground below April all an ocean away Is this the better way to spend the day? Keeping the winter at bay What were the words I meant to say before you left? When I could see your breath lead where you were going to Maybe I should just “let it be” and maybe it will all come back to me Sing oh January oh! How I lived a childhood in snow And all my teens in tow Stuffed in strata of glow Hail the winter days after dark Wandering the gray memorial park A fleeting beating of hearts What were the words I meant to say before she left? When I could see her breath lead where she was going to Maybe I should just “let it be” And maybe it will all come back to me Sing oh Janu... Oh January oh
---The Decemberists
On Groundhog's Day my mom & dad celebrated their 33rd anniversary. (Yeah, dad is stepfather but he essentially raised us so he's more like my dad in everything except blood.)
But that's not what this post's about. On that day I asked my mom about their longevity. I asked her if there was one thing she could say that contributed most to the success of her marriage what would it be? Her response did not surprise me...in fact, a lot of what I've been reading lately about successful relationships (marriages), has what she said and it is stated rather prominently in these articles. She said that she & dad share most activities together--they love to do the same things: sailing, traveling, golf, etc. That their level of energy is very similar. And it's true--when I think back over the years, mom & dad have always been together doing something. The doing together. In fact, my mom had great role models too--my grandparents who were married forever (72 years!), did everything together as well. I'm pretty sure that my grandmother was not quite the fan of sailing as my very obsessed grandfather was (hmmm..I wonder where I got that gene?), but almost every weekend until she wasn't able, she was out there with him on the Chesapeake, often sitting, baking in the no-wind doldrums of a bay summer, dishing out a full-course luncheon. Or golfing, or traveling, or the many other activities that they did well into their 80s--together. They saw the world together--made sure that their grandchildren learned to want to try new things & took us everywhere--but usually it was the both of them--
I think that's rare now & perhaps that's why many folks have that disconnect after a while--they begin to lead very separate lives. One goes & sits on the sofa watching TV when the other wants to go out & go to see music--and so the pattern begins. The destruction of the partnership--the separation. Of course having children creates a way different paradigm but after the kids are old enough to have their own friends & arrange their own "play dates", well, then you have one another again. Do you embrace it or are your lives so separate that you can't retrieve the togetherness anymore?
My ex-husband & I were completely different--he, so NOT a sailor, loved to be on the computer ALL OF THE TIME & me, I just wanted to be out in the world--disconnect. At first I enjoyed playing computer games with him but then my true nature took over--I wanted to be out in the mix of the world not sitting & watching it go by while playing computer games or chatting online with people thousands of miles away that I'd probably never meet in person. It just never got any better & we could not retrieve our togetherness & after a while we just didn't try anymore. I think that happens a lot--we didn't really share the same activities when we got down to it. All I wanted to do was get out & sail as much as possible & he had NO interest in anything water-related--even the beach held little excitement for him. When the family would go to the beach, we all have a collective mental image of him sitting in the living room with his feet propped on the coffee table, reading a magazine for most of the time while we went off to the beach or walk in the town, or go to any other number of activities. For someone else, I assume his current wife, it is OK, for me, no way & thus contributed to the downfall of our relationship.
Yeah, you don't do everything together--my BFFs' husbands join us occasionally for a wine tasting, & they certainly do not go shopping with us, but many, many other activities are done together. I look at my friend's marriages & I also see them doing activities together--having been married for almost 20 years--and their's are successful as well. There are the bumps to be sure, but, they are out there--skiing, seeing music, camping, whatever--but it is together.
Ok, so what this all boils down to is of course how it relates to the relationship that I'm building--where do we sit on this? I have mentioned before that Xing Fu & I have a lot in common--we both love being out & about--last weekend seeing Dr. Dog at the 9:30 Club & enjoying Ethiopian at Etete right before the show, case in point. But one of the biggies, one that a friend of ours once said & I've been saying for a while myself is "Never date a non-sailor." We spend our summers sailing and our winters thinking & talking about it.
It is part of that common ground--the activities that we do & what we love to do together--I think that bodes well for our future, together.
I received an email this afternoon from a guy from one of the dating sites I thought I'd discontinued a long, long time ago. (I went back & made sure to cancel the subscription.) All of a sudden I was transported back over a year ago to my continued online quest for no more frogs.
"OK, so I appreciated the honesty, charm and smarts of your profile -- rare in the online world. As I read it, I kept nodding my head "Yes" so much, that now I have a neck ache. (You'll be hearing from my attorney.)"
He seemed like a nice, earnest guy--called my desire for a man between the ages of 40-55, "quaint" (he is 59), & seemed rather literate--possibly someone I may have been interested in at the time (but the age difference does give me some pause). While it was nice to receive the email, I am grateful that I am no longer "on the market" & sent Xing Fu an email telling him as much. So strange to think about it--in such a different place--now more worried about communicating thoughtfully & enjoying even the mundane in our relationship. Certainly no more negative alone on Valentine's Day sentiments. Just don't give me any stuffed animals.
A while ago I used to write about my dating experiences--usually the 50 first duds, um, dates & my impatience about meeting "the one." Times have certainly changed since then & I am so happy to be with Xing Fu because I know how hard it is out there as a single 40-something mom trying to find a partner, friend, lover, non-cheater, hard-worker, etc., etc. But I also say that one's conduct (woman) & personal outlook about finding that person, has an awful lot to do with the success. I can say this because I've been there, done that. I'm not trying to be the old, all-knowing sage of dating, but I think I do have some thoughts worth sharing on the topic after having the various experiences that I have had--anyone out there remember the Bull? Yeah? Well, that's where I'll start...
We broke up & it was ugly. This was the epitome of a liar & a cheater--reference back to the fact that he had me in Baltimore & another woman in DC. Yup, classic bad man behavior. OK, so for a while I wrote on this blog how hurt I was & how horrible his behavior was, and it was to be sure. But how did I deal with it? Yeah, I vented about it, I cried, called my BFFs, & started back on the dating websites (waaaay too early) but I did NOT, under ANY circumstances, stalk, harass or talk to the Bull ever again. It so happened that the other woman & I had several conversations & emails back & forth, & ultimately I believe she forgave him (stoopid woman, but I understand) & they ended up together. And that hurt. A lot. But as I said, I understand because it is very hard for a single mom in her 40s to find a decent guy. Reference to the article from Slate http://boyfriendplease-sailorgrl.blogspot.com/2010/11/freaks-geeks-and-economists-from-slate.html that I posted in November..about the supply & demand of dating in your 40s http://boyfriendplease-sailorgrl.blogspot.com/2010/11/supply-and-demand.html. But, and I'm being deliberately redundant, even after she & I talked, I NEVER, EVER, contacted the Bull. I didn't look him up on facebook, I blocked his online dating profiles on Ok Cupid & other sites, & I didn't harass his DC chick. I was "done, done"(to use the engineering vernacular), even as hurt as I was. And I never gave up hope that he'd be out there--hence the positive outlook. I read many books & articles (many of which I posted about here), & I got back out there. But I also made a very deliberate decision about getting back out there.
